Tuesday, November 29, 2005

so today i was in a depressed mood. don't know why [actually i do know why but i don't want to elaborate further.] so binge i did. i ate and i ate and i ate. thought i'll go to the gym to work it off. when i was walking to the gym, i saw z. so i had one of those 10sec brainstorms: to say hi or not? i decided on the former. so since like the gym has these glass walls so that those treadmill-ers can look out, i stood in front of her and rapped the glass, much to the amusement and distraction of all the other fellow treadmill uncles and aunties. she was looking at her mp3 player. i rapped the window, waved, rapped it more, and waved harder. she hardly glanced up and there was not a response from her. this really annoyed me.

i went to the gym deciding that i'm just gonna do my thing. i'm not gonna fabricate what happen and lets just say for the rest of my gym stay, i just cldn't be bothered to say hi again. why bother when that was what she did? besides, it is NOT the first time. a similar incident happened on saturday when she ignored me till the point i was shouting at her then she reluctantly gave me monosyllable answers. as much as i would like to give her the benefit of the doubt that she is distracted, i truly don't think thats the case.

i think the whole incident, compounded by the incidents unveiled in yesterday's posts, really pushed me to the limit. i was controlling tears in the gym, i had no mood to do anything and i practically begged xing to take a cab down to keep me company. bless xing for she really did. she's a star (no pun intended). but the whole "gym" session ended up being one where i sat somewhere and mopped and controlled tears and talked to xing. i didn't even do anything. so when my parents ta baoed dinner, i was more than happy to wallop the whole packet and rummage the kitchen for more.

i hate the total effect that this whole z incident has on me. i hate fearing the worst, i hate doubting myself, i hate hating myself, i hate thinking day and night about it, i hate binging when i am upset, i hate those sleepless nights when i lay awake thinking/worrying and most importantly i hate losing the people i love most. i don't hate her but i hate what she is doing to me and its repercussions on my mental health. it's making me feel miserable. like i'm not worth anything at all.
i don't know why i just can't get to sleep. maybe because of all the emotions and thinking i'd been doing. don't even know what i am feeling. a mix of sadness, frustration, loss, i don't know. i'd been fully aware of the repercussions of posting the previous post. it's not about gaining sympathy or what shit, but it's more like speaking up, for once. i knew it could do harm to my relationships with some people but i chose to value my need for speaking up more.

i don't know whats gonna be the outcome of it. i can very well lose the people i love most or everything can remain unchanged. i really don't know. to me, it looks 50-50. but anyhow. i've taken the gamble. i thought i'll feel much better speaking my mind but while i feel much better, a different set of worries arises. i've laid all my cards on the table and right now am feeling very vulnerable. i guess that's how it's gonna go huh. it's a trade-off. no one really wins but i may very well still turn out to be the very big-fat loser. no sashimi. no sentosa. no clubbing. no cartel. no shopping. no markk. no g. but whats said, i won't retract. i've got to tell myself. this is for me. the me who never says anything when pple think i am the bad guy. i just sit there like a woodblock and take it.

this is for me.
some people will know i had a falling out with a friend earlier this semester, let's call her Z. while some part of me wants to blog this, the other part of me doesn't want to. there's always two sides to a story and to only hear one side will be biased. but i'll try my best to tell it the way it is. should there be any inconsistencies, may someone pls correct me. so z and i had been friends for about three years. we met when i was still in singapore doing my o's, while she was just completing her a's. we had a common group of friends whom we hung out with and all of us got along together. when i enrolled in uwa, she was also a freshie, having taking a year off after the a's to work. so naturally, we got pretty tight in uni. however, in the midst of being tight, she had this habit of befriendly someone else and then going off to hang out with her new friend. so other than seeing her in class, i hardly talked to her. first, it was a.c, then m, then a.t. each time one of these people and her had some issues, she'll look for me. and when she makes a new friend, she runs off again. i didn't mind i guess. i just took it in my stride. i think that really started the whole problem was when both of us failed a unit and had to retake it. by this time, she knew my good friend, t. he also took the same unit as us. so we sat together for class, 4 times a week. i have to admit, it was on my part that i got really jealous that she and t got along very well because as you would know, i really liked t alot. when t and i had problems, she offered to play mediator. however, when she got too personally involved, i told her a few times that i dont think there's a need for mediator and asked if she could stay out. it didn't work that way, so i snapped. snapped big time. not my most jealous moment. we had a temporary falling out, in which i admited my fault. frankly, up to now, sometimes i wonder if she had stepped out, would i have really snapped? i concluded that i dont think so. i was angry that she chose to remain involved when it wasn't even about her. i know (and she had stressed) that she had good intentions and i trust that she had. but the good intentions led to being a hindrance.

So we decided to take the semester break to cool down. It was a perfect opportunity you can say. During which. She vented her anger on her boyfriend, who was trying to help us (because I’d ask him to help). But yeah. Things sorta worked out and we tried to get back to working out the friendship again, after all since we use to be tight. School started and things seemed to be better. But it all started when N’s dad passed away and N was in need of some care and affection. Being one of her closest friends arnd, I had to step up to the situation. Esp since I cared for her well-being and was so concerned. Uni is hard enough to begin with and to have all these crap coming upon anyone, it’s just overwhelming. So naturally, I started paying a lot of attention to N. in that period of time, Z broke up with her boyfriend and was feeling very crap about it. At that time, I felt sorry for her and spent time chatting with her and trying to console her. But in my mind, my priority was with the friend who just lost her dad. It was being biased or something but how I rank my priorities. In the meantime, Z and I talked on and off.

But I think its just suddenly I got thinking about how Z treated me when uni 1st began. When uni started in first year, initially we were tight. But when she got to know this friend A.C, I never did hear from her again. And when things between her and A.C had some issues, she came telling me what was going on. And because, truthfully, I don’t have that many friends in uni, just enough to get me by, so of course I will listen to her. Then when A.T came along, she was off with him. I hardly saw her in uni anymore. Most of the reason lies with me, I was missing a lot of class because I had a boyfriend then. But she never contacted me nor did I hear from her. And when A.T really broke her heart big time. I was back to listening to her on the phone for 3,4 hours a day about what happen. I have to make it clear, its not that I minded listening. Hell, she is my friend and I care for her wellbeing. I did not mind listening to her despite it taking up a lot of my time. but then when uni started this sem. It was back to the same old pattern. She had befriended these couple guys, and they were really close to her. And since then, she was disinterested in talking to me when I went over. Maybe she can say she was busy or something, I never did ask her I'll admit. But I hardly heard from her. She was forever meeting those 2 guys.

So I decided that it was a matter of time I had to bring this up. So one day, over the internet I told her really nicely (because I'd learnt from my lesson the previous time that it was uncool to blow up) how I felt. About being the spare tyre. And she lost it at me. She started accusing me of treating her badly over N and stuff. And I told her she cannot use N as an example coz right now N needs a lot of TLC. If she wants to correct me on this, she better do. But I remember specifically I was EXTREMELY CIVIL TO HER and told her we should settle this nicely. I remember my exact words “I’m not trying to find fault with you but I better say this before I can’t. I don’t wish to stir trouble and just want to make my thoughts known to you.” The last round, I was the bad guy for losing my temper so I was uber determined it wasn’t gonna happen again. But she just lost it and lost it and lost it. She accused me of making this difficult and stuff. So I told her before it got out of hand, lets end the convo and hope she reflects on it.

So that was it. The confrontation. i knew the 1st time I was hell uncool (even though I’d wish she could stay out of it when I told her to) so the 2nd time round, no way was I going to be the one who lost it. So it’s just like that for weeks. Frankly, I’m fine the way it is. During the exams, I started taking the initiative to msg her on msn just for civilized small chat. She was polite and civilized too but she never did start any convo, which is fine by me. Small steps is good.

So we’re both back in Singapore and we share common friends, those especially dear to my heart. Which is fine. But they wanna go for sashimi, something I love and do stuff together. I’ve given it a lot of thought. I do want to be fine with everything and forget what went on in perth because right now, she doesn’t seem like she minds. So let’s just say if I opt out of it, I seem like the bad person, the guilty party... but I’ve thought about it. All my life, I just take the blame for things gone wrong. I never ever stand up for myself. I just play the bad guy. And for once, I don’t know why. I don’t want to be the bad guy anymore. Keeping quiet is tiring. Like xing once said about me “you’re misunderstood”. I’m afraid so.

I admit fault on my part for the first round, but in the second time round, I truly don’t think I lost it there. I tried my very best, my absolute best to try resolve things and make my thoughts known to her as best I could, so that nothing remains bottled and so I won’t explode. I am also aware I caught her at a bad time, a bad time to tell her what I thought, which isn’t that good. But the attitude she gave me that round, I really don’t know. She says she was sick and tired of me treating her like a spare tyre. But she should in reality know the only other couple close friends I have are N and A while she has her biz clique. I sometimes don’t know what is going on. I really don’t.

Mark is so dear to me and I want to do the right thing for him this time round. Let’s all just hang out together nice and fine. But sometimes, I have kept quiet so long. And while I have been trying to get little snippets of convo from her over the few weeks, I don’t quite think she thought she lost it the last round. i.e. the bad guy is still me. But really. I don’t know. I’d apologized so many times to her over the 1st incident. Emotions were high over that one guy. Part of me wants some acknowledgement from her that she was in the wrong this time round. But part of me wants to put it all behind and just live with it. For the sake of harmony between everyone. I spent nights since I have been back thinking at night. Mark is so dear to me and she is dear to him. Why do I have to make things so difficult? But I don’t know. When xing told me I was misunderstood, suddenly I realized I just didn’t want to be misunderstood my whole life. That’s not about making other pple’s lives difficult, but it’s about doing something for myself once. I don’t know.

Sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s not about me isn’t it. It’s about others. I want to do this whole sashimi thing or anything for mark’s sake. Hell, she is dear to him, like he is so important to me. But I don’t know what’s holding me back. I really don’t. I wish I knew. Amidst all this chat I tell myself I’ll be ok, I’ll enjoy it. But playing the bad person when I knew I was not and then keeping quiet about it. It’s hard to get by. Maybe because I'd done enough of those crap and it’s about time I stand for what I feel. I don’t know. I just don't.

Someone please tell me what to do.

Monday, November 28, 2005

this has been one of the best ever weekends, since i don't know when. a realistic estimation would be in the last 2 or 3 years. i am not kidding. reason being that i had the opportunity to spend some hardearned time with my parents and both markk and G on BOTH days. i couldn't ask for more. something i hadn't had the chance to do in the last couple years or so.

the past couple years i actually hadn't been spending much time with markk nor g due to their NS or work committments. something always cropped up and i never got to spend much physical time with them. and often enough, it made me feel so lonely and down, though i never told either of them. because they know me best, in their respective ways. and to not be able to spend quality time with them on a frequent basis on the last couple of years was just, deeply saddening. it's hard to describe but i'd say i was just disappointed, sad, lonely and depressed. afterall, they are so so so dear to me.

anywho. lets focus on this weekend. the three of us caught a movie, PRIME, on saturday night. prior to that, we had dinner at cafe cartel with nick too. had the seafood combo (for 5 people) [i opted out of the combo because too much fried stuff] and the viking the rock. the viking the rock is this dessert meant for 4 people - 10 scoops of vanilla + choc icecream and cookie bits. for only $15.80. how worthwhile is that!! highly recommended by all of us! plus, i had 10% discount and markk got some smart points on his uob card. this is a sign - that we should go there more often!! since the food's great, company's great and we get perkks! how awesome.

the movie was alright, perhaps my favourite genre - romantic comedy. perhaps a little let down by the ending, but then again, like marrk said, realistic. i have to say though, the lead actor in the show was Y.U.M.M.A.Y. definitely. markk agreed with me. him in his CK underwear, i loike! markk likes too. oh man, both of us are like 2 peas in a pod - we have the same tastes in men too! *gasp* oh oh, and i have to announce that i had the best seats in the cinema!! because..... *ahem* i had my head resting on markk's shoulders and my feet on G! if there's any confessions i have to make, it's that markk's shoulders are my weakness. i can just lose my backbone and happily lean on him for all my life. they are addictive. love his shoulders, love him.

i love them boys.

today was to the gym. you know the amount of flab i have? it's disgusting!! i have been eating non-stop since i've touched down in singapore, not to mention what a glutton i've been in perth. so it's only right i make a start at the torture-house, my keppel gym. i guess things aren't that bad when your khakis are there too. but yeah. my fitness is surprisingly crap. and really, that new trainer, shahrin, he's a bloody good and pushy trainer. i like. but then, i have also concluded, i am bloody weak. i am a million times worse than i thought i was. sheesh, talk about ego-deflation.

i had dinner with my family and then set out to meet markk in the city since he has some work to do there. nothing much to do so we ended up eating - him his dinner and me more dessert [there goes my so-called gym workout]. ended up shooting pool, something we both haven't done in a long time. don't think he was really keen on it but there was nothing much better to do and he was being a good sport in giving in to me. thanks bro bro. sorta thrashed him at pool but then again, he hasn't played it since his teenage days and trust me, that was awhile backk. but it's all good. a lil sms from his boss got him in a little crap mood though. =(

the special thing with markk and g is that i can be who i am in front of them, no pretences at all. i don't even need to vet what i am saying. hell, anything goes. what can i say about each of them? markk - he's my 'bro', my support and protector. he is truly GOD-sent to me because GOD knows i need him. i don't know what i bring to his life or what i have to offer, i can only try but what he has brought to my life, it's indescribable. i don't know what i'll do without him. we are so similar that sometimes it's freaky and uncanny but hell, i love the fact we're sooooooo similar. gerald - my lifelong buddy, the friend who has gone though thick and thin with me. from the times of swimming to badminton to bowling to singing. he has stayed loyal and true to me always. thats what i love about him. he has also proudly graduated from rach's "hot guys identification" school. which makes him my first ever graduate in this field. and this tells alot of how f.well he knows me. both of you are so special to me. geez. i am getting all emotional typing this as i reflect back. all those memories flashing back chronologically in my mind.

lastly, what can i say about family? hard earned time with them. it cannot have been more aptly put. i have waited so darn long for some quality time with them. lunching with them, having dinner with them. gosh. if these two days are a taste of what heaven is like, crap, i don't wanna go back to earth.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

i am super frustrated.

extremely.

stupendously.

frustrated.

Friday, November 25, 2005

spent the whole of wednesday cleaning up my room. tidying it and stuff. and then, the exciting part, going out dinner with chad, isaac and huimin. sort of like a double date. we girls did dress up to the nines and the boys came in berms, tee and sandals!! so disappointing. decided to head to hog's breath cafe for steak because i had serious steak-cravings. the boys were sooo sweet and complied with my prissy little request. =)

i sat with zac and huimin with chad. and you know, i have spent 2 years figuring out why i have SUCH a bloody soft spot for chad. i use to think (or would like to think) it was because he looked so much like marcus, that hair, specs, eyes, height, physique and even the voice to some extent (accent definitely different). but really. just sitting opposite him at dinner and taking one good look har stare at him, he's just chad. he's not marcus-lookalike. he's chad - very boyish cute, metrosexual (as mimi labels him) and great smile. at times, he does come across as being a little gay, which was the butt of my jokes that night, but he is really quite a charmer. after dinner, we went back to my place where i'd prepared simple dessert. just sat in my room to chill and chat. the atmosphere was quite intimate, really. though nothing happened [duh].

really enjoy the company of the 2 guys. zac is just soooooooooooooooooooo humorous. while chad, what can i say, indescribable. together, they make my stay in law school a world of difference. love them both heaps!

i'm back in singapore now. this is what i call home. i miss my room in aust. but the love of my room in aust isn't sufficient from keeping me away from my loved ones.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

let's see.

how do you react when you find out that the guy replacing your next door neighbour is drop dead cute? do you:

a) continue feeling sad that such wonderful boys are moving out;

b) have a mixture of sadness and excitement, because you still feel a tad bit guilty that you're eyeing the new guy;

c) start praying for the old neighbour to move out faster so the cutie will officially be your neighbour THEN start planning frequent dinner parties so you can get to see him;

d) tell the old neighbour "you pick your replacements well";

e) C and D;

f) none of the above.

i think i'd go with option (e). when my momma educated me on guys, why didn't she tell that indo chinese guys are not only rich but f.cute? i guess she forgot the last bit.

Monday, November 21, 2005

went out coffee with louis and aaron today. realise it's been a long while since i'd last since aaron. missed him heaps. he'd been this brotherly figure here in perth and ever since i'd stopped going to BPCWA, we hardly chat. it was a good catch up. initially we wanted to go to oriels but when we got there, it was bloody packed! so we headed for my usual, bubble tea.

dennis' little dating topic has been hanging around in my head for awhile now, so i took the opportunity to bring it up with 2 different guys to seek their opinions. rather interesting but poor louis, he really seems too innocent!!! i think he'd be taken advantage of in the not too distant future, it's just a matter of time. prove me wrong yah, louis?

anyways, somehow it evolved into the topic of will i date a poorer guy. and my answer is most likely not. i don't care of you guys start dissing. 2 years ago, if you'd ask me the same question, my answer will be yes, without a doubt. the rachel 2 years ago was a passionate "love conquers everything" girl. but with another failed relationship under my belt [not that i had many!] i'd become more cynical. my ex-bf (who might be reading this) was from a different socio-economic background. i use to think it didn't matter. but i realise it does play a very large role in partner-seeking, because it is essentially related to your upbringing.

well, J's family operates so much differently to mine. an example i'd give (which i've edited abit to make it a more concrete example) will be that of private sports clubs. one night while having dinner with his family, his father passes a comment about private sports club [edited part: let's say he said that it's for only rich, arrogant, snobby people who have nothing better to do with their money]. i paused for a second there. i grew up all my life going to keppel. frankly, i cannot imagine not going there. it was through keppel i knew the guys i'd grown to love so much - gerald and markk. it was in keppel where i had swimming lessons, played badminton, golf, dined, and gymmed in. i cannot fathom what it would have been like if i never went there. and whilst i'd gone there all my life, i didn't realise, until i got to primary 5 or 6, that recreation clubs were only for the people who can afford it, namely the upper class people. i use to think anyone can walk in and use the facilities. i didn't go to the club intentionally to set myself apart from others.

i am not discriminating the less fortunate people. i am not rich myself. but GOD has blessed my family with alittle more. on the contrary, i respect the less well-off people. i have a friend who isn't well-off, but she is one of the dearest friends to me. she is determined, kind-hearted and most importantly the best possible friend she can be. i cannot ask for more. i love and respect her despite her background. however, when considering a lifelong partner. it's more than just friendship. this is the guy you're gonna marry and have kids with. so back to the issue, marrying a guy from the same socio-economic background ensures that the guy is able to provide you with the same standard of living you are use to and there will then be one less reason to argue. the thing is, even if the girl is willing to compromise on this one issue, one little compromise upon another upon another adds up to one who massive issue: FINANCES. i am no expert at this, most definitely, but one of the most common reasons for divorces and quarrels is one that of finances. its just hard to reconcile the differences i think. just too tough.

initially louis was scoffing at me but after much explanation (in my round-about way) he said he understood. but frankly, i still think he doesn't. after it didn't work out with my ex, i'd given it much thought. no amount of indefinite love can mend all the loopholes in the incompatibility, unless it was GOD's will. but if it wasn't, the relationship ain't gonna survive on just love. i can give so much more examples on the tough-ness of a guy being from a lower socio-economic background but i shan't. i'm extremely tired (eyes about to shut any time soon) and i'll get way too grandmother-naggy.

some people can argue that there are situations where it all worked out. yes, i defintiely agree the happy endings do occur sometimes. it was GOD's hand in the relationship, but would think there's a large proportion of such situations that don't. and i think, personally, it wouldn't work for me anyhow. but at least, i've tried my best and given it all i've got. but the differences just wouldn't reconcile. and well, what doesn't break you makes you. my views on this whole "dating less well off guy" has changed. i don't think i'd look for a guy that much richer too. it just wouldn't feel right.

guess my brain has shut down. will comment more after i've gotten some winkks.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

spent the whole day at church today. it was good. =)

we had this lunch gathering after church today - i ate heaps!! geez. we had curry, prata, chicken wraps, sushi, salad, fruit punch and heaps more! i wanted to go home after lunch but tina wanted to stay on and pray for the mission team that was going to hongkong next week. so i hung around too. the team was putting up a preview of the programs they were going to do on the trip. this punkkish guy caught my eye. ok, i'm a paedophile, he looked barely fifteen. very cute with this bandanna and cap thing going on. but i was thinking, nah. he doesn't impress me. f.crap, he proved me wrong.

when he started to dance, break dance to be exact, i almost fainted. he was practically gliding in the air, defying gravity. you can ask anyone sitting in the front row with me. i was gobsmacked, with my mouth side open. he moves bloody better than usher. he is f.HAUGHT! i like!! his moves, his grooves. bring it on!! [quoting dennis]. and the best thing is, he's actually older than he looks - 18 i think. i'm not so much of a paedophile after all.

his name is nathan. yes. i'm loving that name already. *hearts starts pounding uncontrollably*

Saturday, November 19, 2005

RACH'S TOP 10 HOTTEST MEN OF 2005

10. andrew g - cleo bachelor 2004. need i say more?

9. colin farrell - everyone loves an irish bad boy!

8. lee harding - black eyeliner. black nails. i like!

7. jared leto - have you seen him with his boy boy hair? *swoon*

6. jay chou - you've got the looks and the groove.

5. james franco - pin up boy runner up!

4. michael vartan - oh, drown me in your eyes forever!

3. robbie williams - once my darling, always my darling.

2. fredrik ljungberg - who adores him in CK undies raise your hand!! spicy!

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.
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1. Mak Joonhowe - sexy. gorgeous. and most realistic of all.
today was a good day. not because anything fancy happened. went to meet mimi after her final paper. we made our way to the city because she wanted something to hold her boobs up in the dress she was wearing to her couz's wedding. in the end, well, unintentionally, i purchased this pair of kitten heels, from this f.branded designer. *faints* i can't believe it. really can't. it's darn pretty but still! anyways. we then rushed back to mimi's house for her to pack up and off she went to the domestic airport to catch her flight to melb. i went home alone. somewhat wishing it was me catching the flight back home. home to my family. home to markk, g and my girlies.

had a dinner appt with dennis, alex and crys tonight. sort of a double date. the other neighbours use to tease dennis and crys, alex and i. so there you go, a mini double date. we headed out. dinner was surprisingly alot more fun than i thought it would be. dennis is like this serious, super guai boy next door kinda guy. [mimi can vouch that!] and i mean. i thought he was awfully introverted and stuff. but tonight, man, did he prove me wrong. he is one of the most HILARIOUS guys i'd ever met. serious. we had this discussion on dating. so dennis' older sister (who's 35 by the way) likes to give her kid bro quite alot of advice on love. and well, there was much debate at the bubble tea table. so lets go through it one by one, dennis' thesis.

Dennis' thesis titled "GIRLS SHOULDN'T STUDY TOO HARD OR NOT THEY CANNOT FIND A BOYFRIEND"

HYPOTHESIS ONE: GIRLS, IF YOU GET A PHD, NO GUY WANTS TO DATE YOU.
well. this was what dennis' main issue was about. if you have a degree, stop at it. if you get a masters or honours, it's no good. and then he wags his finger at tina and says "thats why you're still single still". his reasoning is that if you spend too much time studying, not only are you too well-educated for some guys, you will also grow old and boring and not have the opportunity to meet girls. crys and i refuted that it isn't the case. perhaps university is a good meeting ground for people. besides, this is the new age. if a girl drops out after a diploma or after Os, what i she cannot find a guy [as oppose to what dennis thinks?], then she has no job, no money and no guy! it's a lose-lose situation for the girl. there's no guarantee a guy will come along and look after her for the rest of her life. in addition, whilst dennis thinks that girls who study too much are too smart to handle, surely no educated guy will want to present his uneducated girlfriend to his bosses during the annual dinner and dance right? ironically, dennis doesn't mind dating a girl with a phd. *hahahaha - the lecturer himself doesn't even believe in his own theory* [which i'd kindly add on his behalf that he claims that he is making comments at the general male population but not himself]

HYPOTHESIS TWO: IF A GIRL IS NICE TO YOU, IT DOESN'T MEAN SHE LIKES YOU SO YOU SHOULD BACK OFF [AS TOLD BY HIS OLDER SIS]
this was f.hilarious because crys and i were quick to point out the contrary. for example, restating dennis' example: if a girl whom your barely know decides to sit next to you in the computer lab a few days in a row despite all her friends sitting elsewhere, she might just be friendly. NO DENNIS, NO. THE ANSWER IS SHE PROBABLY LIKES YOU! If you barely know the girl and vice versa, but suddenly, this chick takes great pains to sit with you and be extra nice to you, chances are, she fancies you! Now we all know why you're still single [yes, dennis indeed almost rammed his head against the wall at tea fushion. he is going to call his sister up to scold her. poor girl.] isn't it quite obvious? geez. i'm not saying it applies to everyone, but crys and i believe it applies to at least 80% of the female population.

HYPOTHESIS THREE: WELL EDUCATED GIRLS ARE MORE LIKELY TO BE AGGRESSIVE.
Another one of those hilarious theories. dennis reckons that if a girl is smart, when the couple quarrels, she will be using fanciful words to scold him and act all condescending - the guy will be subjected to verbal abuse. well well. dennis dennis, here's what aunt rach has to say. do you think that dating an uneducated ah lian will solve the problem? she may not verbally abuse you but she'll use her long manicured fingernails to scratch you and pull your hair till you've a bald patch to illustrate her point, instead of using just merely colourful language. so as you always say "bring it on!" are you really sure you want to bring her on??

HYPOTHESIS FOUR: EVERYONE DESERVES SECOND CHANCES DESPITE BEING A CONVICT.
i was the one who brought this topic up on: will you date someone if you know he/she has been to jail? crys, tina and alex all said NO. i persisted saying "even though it's just a little thing like cheating on a bus tickect twice which resulted in being in jail for 2 months?" crys' idea was that if you can cheat on bus fare, you can also forge cheques and so on. so it's a no for her. dennis was once again "bring it on!" his reply: "she can be a rapist or murderer, but if she has turned over a new leaf and changed, why not? i must also love her enough. bring it on!" woah. shocking man. then he added on a second thought "i just might sleep with a knife under my pillow." haha, dear dennis, are you sure you won't end up chopping your own arm off in your sleep? well, my two cents worth is that if it was a petty crime, perhaps i might consider, it really depends. people do deserve second chances. however, if you are talking about a rapist/murderer, sorry man. thats a no-no. i'm not saying they may not have a change of heart, chances are they might. but my conscience wouldn't let me live with such a guy. kudos to dennis in regards to that.

HYPOTHESIS FIVE: BE COOL. REGARDLESS. [ANOTHER ONE OF HIS SISTER'S AWESOME ADVICES]
dennis' sister told him: "before you do anything with a girl, call me and i'll tell you what to do. whatever it is, be cool. don't give too much away." dennis, there's a reason why your sister is 35 and still single (sorry to all those lonesome figures out there. i may join you in years to come). the blind leading the blind. in this era, its all about one word. SNAG. if you don't know what it is dennis, please ask any girl. it means sensitive new age guy. girls love guys who pay attention to the small details, pays the appropriate compliments and is warm and affectionate (note: NOT OVER-affectionate. know when to draw the line). being cool just means hard to get and seriously, it doesn't take much to scare the girl off in that case. be the SNAG you are within dennis. we all know you are an old romantic [1 v 4 as to the "sometimes love just ain't enough" or "love conquers everything" battle] dennis was the one one who thinks love conquers everything. so for once dennis, don't listen to your sis and get warm and fuzzy!

well. there were lots more that we'd discuss which can't fit into a hypothesis category of its own. but this was like a revelation to me. there i was thinking dennis was the most shy, quiet, serious and level headed guy and yet there he is, being one of the most hilarious guys i'd met. i'd been his neighbour for 3 semesters now and it only took me tonight to realise he's very lovable! what a dimwit i am. the sad thing is that the only reason why we had this dinner was that he is graduating this sem and is returning to malaysia forever. it was like a farewell get together. n the end, we ended the convo by dennis restating his original thesis statement by telling each and everyone one of us girls "stop studying after you're done with your degree!" yes, mr romantic!

anyway guys and girls, have you say in relations to our mini dating 101 schedule.

[P.S. This post is not meant to offend any diploma holders, school drop-outs or ah lians. we may have a tad bit advantage interllectually, but i am sure you guys are more street-wise.]

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

criminal law paper. what can i say about it. hilarious. no, it wasn't easy. on the contrary, the lecturers are bloody conniving. the topics they'd set were the ones that no one expected to come out. and the topic i have been begging not to come out, well it did. mistake of law and mistake of fact. i can't f.distinguish those two!! but yes.... the paper was f.hilarious. the whole paper was modelled after desperate housewives. i know, lame right. but it's hilarious because prior to knowing pete, my DH knowledge was zilch. but since we were incorporating DH video clips in our criminal law project, i had them on my comp, so he and i use to spend hrs watching the clips and mimicking them [while drew and huimin... *ahem* slogged away]. i can imagine pete trying to stifle his laughter during the paper. no wonder the names gabrielle, carlos, john and bree looked soooo familiar. took me a good long while to figure out why. and when i did, i was bloody distracted by the humour behind it.

criminal law does wonders to me. after the paper, i was all crazy. took the bus down to the city to attempt to change a pair of shorts i bought. and guess what? scottie was working today!! he usually works on fridays and saturdays only. scottie, scottie, scottie! i publicly declare he is heaps cute!! top guy!! he's soooooooooooooooo lovable. had my usual tanga shot. walked arnd abit then went back. this is where it all went crazy: i was waiting for mimi at broadway to go grocery shopping. from far i saw this chick in black three quarts, black singlet and a grey racerback. she wore these paris hilton sunnies and was looking extremely shick [sleek and chic]. i seriously thought it was mimi, started waving my arms madly arnd and doing the mini guu impersination. that chick stared at me as if i was crazy. actually, i was. it wasn't mimi. how embarrassing. so we did our usual grocery shopping and i went home to cook.

massive spider on my wall, like MASSIVE and BLACK. what the crap. i almost intoxicated myself to death from the fumes of the insecticide but yet it refuse to die. of course in the end i had the last laugh lahs, but it was really traumatising. feeling quite energised, i decided to go the gym after cooking a lovely dinner for mimi, right mimi? [cooked indian curry and made yummylicious desserts for her - which i polished up the leftovers] the gym pple pissed me off man. the last time i went there, i asked them for their closing time, they told me 11pm. and today, i got kicked out at 8.30 when the guy told me they were closing. i was like... "but i just got here!!" he said too bad. and speakin of weight issues, did you know its possible to put on 2kg in 2 days just by eating the amount of chocs i ate in that 2 days? 3 family sized cadburys + 2 cadbury snack size + half bar of melted cooking choc + 4 cups of milo/hot choc. amazing right. i was MAJORLY upset. had a little chat with the gym guy who was equally shocked at the amount of choc i'd consumed. stress, i said.

despite my late arrival [of around 7.30], i managed to use the treadmill without anyone waiting for me or me waitin for anyone. i hope markk is proud of me. i think the real motivation today was the 2kg weight gain in 2 days. i was so disgusted at myself. i managed to cover what i aimed to cover. however being kicked out at 8.30 was really annoying because usually, i feel lethargic and lazy after about 80mins of workout, but today, i know i had the energy, zest and anger to carry me through a full body workout, which means i'd say about 2hrs worth. but yet it had to be cut short. really annoying.

its night now but i think i'd clean the kitchen. crys was hinting earlier that the kitchen is really polluted and i do agree with her. no one has really done anything since its exams. however, i don't understand why david wldn't help us out. he isn't taking his exams this semester coz he is dropping out of his course. he is technically free and spends his time watching tv everyday till 2,3 a.m. he should show some consideration for us, exam-stressers. but now that mine is over, i shall do my bid and clean the whole damn thing up. might as well. sooner or later.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

the verdict's in. lee's out.

boo. idol is screwed up. i don't understand how lee and dan can be kicked out. yet kate "getting-skinner-by-the-week" de-something can still be in the contention of being crowned idol when she had 3 consecutive weeks of forgetting lyrics. shameful! am "i'm-such-a-crybaby" emily williams? forever crying. tsk.

on the way home from st cat's today (huimin's hostel), was listening to "listen to your heart" by DHT [NOT the one from casey donovan! pulease!!]. the song was sent by jaks a while backk. somehow, listening to it tonight brought back memories. bittersweet memories. it's good to reminise i guess, just as long as you don't get too self-absorbed. so when i got too emotional on my way home, i put a stop to it all. some memories are just meant to be tucked away, with no more questions asked.

one more paper to go. really freaked. i don't want a repeat of fa and torts, which went horrendous. had a massive binge after that to flush the awful nightmare away. not quite. polished off 3 family sized choc bars + 2 normal choc bars off today. stress. forever and a day blaming it on stress. that's it, another 3kg being put on i reckon. what the f.hell is wrong with me. sheesh. i need some bloody help soon and quite before i end up like casey donovan.

Monday, November 14, 2005

i have been an avid fan of australian idol since the first series began in my college year. this year is no different. now it's crunch time - down to the top 3. who will be the next aussie idol? each year, i have a favourite and this year, once again, is no different. firstly, in the top 3, we have

1) emily "i'm-a-crybaby" williams. single mum with a little girl. brilliant vocals. great control. cries every week over nothing. does horrible renditions of britney's bubblegum pop but performs awesome Whitneys. far too emotional to be the next idol, though she is tipped to be the hot favorite.

2) kate "getting-skinner-each-week" de-something. just shows how well liked she is, in my eyes. once again, great vocals. however she has this perpetual f.ugly on her foreheard like she is constipated. personally lacking any personality whatsoever. however, major kudos to her for being able to pull of "lady marmalade" when she lost her voice.

3) lee "rock-punk" lee. personally, my favourite. distinct punkk image. awesome performer/showman with an extremely positive attitude. very likeable. however, vocal range is limited to punkk-ish songs but does awesome renditions of any song he picks. as kyle says "he has the whole package". massive fan base but has been been tipped to be kicked out tmr.

idol plays a really big part of my life in australia. i can go without watching any other show on tv, but idol is something i won't miss unless there's some absolutely impt event going on at that very same time. i am quite fanatical about it now when its ongoing but when the season ends, my interests in it fades off until the new season arrives. i am writing this because some people think i am overly obsessed with it but i beg to differ. it's my lifestyle here in perth. it's gives me the incentive to look forward to something, rather than nothing at the end of the week. it's the little things that evokes the otherwise non-existent happiness in my life. for now.

so yeps... tomorrow is the verdict. please say lee won't be kicked out. he's been great throughout it all. eyeliner, black nails and all.

anyways. did i mention i am such a fashion whore? gosh. i am out buying shorts in full force just because they're in fashion? what's wrong with me! i don't even have the legs to pull it off!! what on earth am i thinking? i probably wasn't even thinking at all!! save me!!

Saturday, November 12, 2005

i lose track of time so easily, esp during exams. its already saturday and there i was wondering if it was wednesday or thursday. gosh. out of my head. anyways. i went to the uni gym today. was really annoyed. firstly, you got to pay $10 to enter, then they have this strict time limit on all cadio equipment, 20 min on each equipment. and there were only like 3 treadmills? i almost died waiting. and when i did my jog, which i must proudly and surprisingly add that i jogged for the straight 20mins, i was attempting to cool down when this man came up to me and told me off to get off the machine. because he claimed the 20 minute limit imposed included cool-down time. apparently, that wasn't the case (because i went to ask the instructor). just because he is older he thinks he can push me around. attitudual. but on the overall, i am quite pleased with my jogging. because people who know me knows i have very badly worn out knees which cause me alot of pain and oh yes, i am pretty unfit so jogging is like argh! to me. hence, not bad rach!

after gym. mimi and i headed to the city, to see scottie. [haha, not really] for those who are wondering who's scottie, well, he's the guy that works at this smoothie/juice bar who is really friendly. he's not the typical HOT BUFF TAN kinda cute guy, but scottie certainly is very charming. he's tall, lanky, kinda arty with curly dark blonde hair. and he stays like a 10min walk from my ex-homestay! why didn't i know him then? *rach whines* i'll try post a picture up when i've got one of him. yeps.. mimi just had a paper, so we needed some destressing, after the horrors of yesterday [in my case]. bought this tee which is kinda cute, alittle goth but yeah, cute. oh, and managed to get a steal from sportsgirl. it's kinda like a black halter top. very versatile piece - simple day outings, clubbing, meet-the-parents, anything! from $60 bucks reduced to $20. sweet. its alittle small now... but i'm getting there.

you know, the last time i did one of those friendster questionaiires, one of the questions was about the last time i was being complemented. i frankly, i don't remember getting any, for as far back as i can remember [do note i have an extremely dodgy memory]. however, after reading markk's blog, i really cannot explain right now how i am feeling. its something that means alot to me. because all this while, i doubt my self-worth. yes, i have low self-esteem. i hardly look the part probably, but i do. i am a born thinker. i think too much for my own good and i know that. i always wonder am i good enough to be in a law school. good enough a daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend to my loved ones, and most recently, am i good enough for him? and in regards to the last question, no. i was never good enough for him, am never good enough for him and never will be good enough for him. however, i have come to realise you cannot be someone you are not just for the sake of being accepted or for "face". the chinese love their "face" [ai mien zi], but i tell myself, a front cannot be always put on show forever. it doesn't mean i stop trying to improve myself,i still try my very best to be the best daughter, sister, friend, bestfriend, girlfriend, student, Christian and whatever else i can be. even if the best means never being good enough. there's so much and so hard you can try. and if you cannot make the cut, you just can't. and i guess, to me, whats where i fall short.

of course it doesn't mean i won't stop trying to be the best i can be. but sometimes, you just can't try. for example. i don't think i am attractive enough. do i succumb to plastice surgery to improve on my looks? of course not. because i have to take pride in the woman that GOD made me out to be. in HIS eyes, i'm perfect. but not in many guys' eyes. i'm short, chubby (or rather, fat), bespectacled, small-eyed and i have cheek pouches, just like chipmunks, only half as cute. some things just don't change [perhaps other than weight issues] what do you do then? between me and you, i don't know. but whatever it is, i tell myself everyday [and am telling you now] that regardless, you just got to pick yourself up and when you walk, walk with your head up. no, i'm not asking you to be arrogant, but to appreciate the world as it is in all its glory and be proud of who you are. sure, why should you listen to someone who has just confessed that she has low self-esteem right? the thing is, i know i lack self-worth and yet i acknowledge the importance of being proud of who i am - it's an oxymoron and i am working towards improving that aspect. nobody's perfect and like everyone, i am far from being perfect. right now, i am still feeling the lows from the recent confessions about him, and perhaps i've hit a low. but this doesn't stop me from looking up to where i need to be and start taking the 1st painful steps to ascending the ladder. time heals all wounds, its just a matter of how long. and i think it will just a matter of time when i get there.

i really appreciate what you wrote markk bro, because no one has ever held me in such high regard ever. if there's one thing i hope for now, its that i can live up to that standard. i know there are times i will stumble and fall, but i hope i won't let you down.

Friday, November 11, 2005

And sometimes if I close my eyes,
I can see, another place and time....

indeed. how apt. been reminising alot. i realise, sadly, that i have been living in the past. don't get me wrong, it's not as if i do no want to move forward. fact is, i want to. to the point of going to great lengths to convince everyone else around me that i am looking forward, everyone else but myself. whenever i walk along matilda bay, my mind starts wondering...... why, where, how? all these questions, left unanswered. ironically, i don't want answers. perhaps these are just merely rhetoricals, but why are we the way we are today, i don't know. i know we can never return to the past, to the time when the world was only yours and mine, so i thought. of course the world never belonged to us, but it use to feel that way then.

i wonder if why i am feeling the way i do today is because of retribution. i'm not really into the whole philosophy of it, but rather, i do believe in don't do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you. i'd done great wrong and needless to say, am ashamed of it. but if i had a choice, i wldn't have. now, some people will tell me i did have a choice but chose to ignore the other option...... but i find myself being defensive here - i still believe that up today, i did try my best in all my power to not allow it to happen. but it did. i fell for you. despite it being wrong. and i knew it.

how can you fall in love with someone in just a minute, and not get out from it for a lifetime? i don't think i have lived long enough to answer that question. just about when i am 80, i'll answer it. for now, i'm still stuck in that time warp. i know i'd get out of it, eventually and stop living the fantasy that i have been in, but for now..... nothing changes. listening to DJ Samm's Heaven on amy's playlist "baby you're all that i want, when you're lying here in my arms. i'm finding it hard to believe, we're in heaven. love is all that i need and i found it there in your heart. it isn't too hard to see we're in a heaven." sweet. "nothing can change what you mean to me." indeed.
c u r r e n t m o o d :
stoned. tired. screwed. scared. melancholy.
c u r r e n t o u t f i t :
light orange statement tee "ITS NOT ME. ITS YOU." + trackkies
c u r r e n t w o r d o f t h e d a y :
heaven.
c u r r e n t s o n g :
heaven by DJ sammy.


today's exam.. financial accounting.... gosh! this exam wins top price for the worst exam, ever. this beats my ebs exam last yr where i scored 20%. sighs. i'm feelin very crappy about it. turned to my best mate, food, for solace. and to worsen my woes, see above. that is certainly playing a great deal in messing up my already-messed up life. i forgot to add in the previous that he affected me so badly till i poured my heart out to my dad one night last sem. which is really funny, because i think my dad was as shocked as i am. it all started like this: he was causing me sleepless nights. so one night, i popped a sleeping pill. since it takes about 30mins for the effects to kick in, i decided to take a shower and then head straight to bed. however, i took 40mins in the shower, so by the time i got out, i was groggy. and while settling into bed, my dad rang. bad timing. due to the undue influence of sleeping pills, i couldnt control any emotions. so when he asked me how i was, i burst into tears and admist sobs and hiccuping, a huge chunk of the story about him came pouring out. since i have never ever, in my entire life, told my dad about my "love" life, i think he was shocked beyond words. to call his princess to hear her crying over some guy. poor dad. haha.

but yeah... today's paper was poop. so hello there, chocolates. i think i'd hit the gym tmr. i got to make a start. since i'm not a member of any gym here, its $10 per entry at the uni gym. steep but i have to make a start. this paper is a goner. i failed it. out of 180 marks, i only knew how to do 10 marks worth of accounting shiat? man, like bro bro, like sis. we both just can't do accounting eh, markk? sigh. i hope i live to tell the tale. it's not because i didn't study, its because 1) its accounting and i hate accounting, 2) they expected us to draw up financial statements from scratch when they NEVER asked us to do it before? of course i didn't know how to draw it! they always gave templates to be filled up for tuts, so how was i to know that they wouldn't be giving us templates for the exams?? wht the f.crap. 3 down, 1 more to go. i don't want to fail the last paper too. this sem's exams are pure f.shiat, even though i had so much more time to study. what the hell is wrong. i don't know. but i wouldn't even dare to hope this round. not at all.

last paper, criminal law. the unit which was the most shocking last sem. from thinking i scored single digit in the exam to scoring a distinction. will i be able to pull it off again? i doubt it. but dear GOD, please let it happen.

and to G: you have noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo idea how much i keep talking about you here!! so it's all good!!!! your friends know me and my friends know you!! i'm way way way way excited in seeing you soon! *muacks* loving you.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

and sometimes if i close my eyes,
i can see, another place and time....
it's been awhile since i'd blogged a proper entry. think it's due to the exams... the exams are still ongoing, got a paper tmr in fact. don't ask me why i decided to blog. probably exam stress getting to me. been facing quite a bit of pressure with body image - man, this sounds so aussie idol with kate and her tuckshop lady arms, but yeah. i'd realised everyone lost so much weight since those SC days. before mimi retorts, shut up! you're doing ok alright? i know your weight is alittle like a yoyo but you've lost on the overall. i think with me, i'd been maintaining my chubby frame well, until this sem particularly. it's funny how i like to blame everything and everyone else around me but myself... but perhaps i'm reeling too much from the heartbreak last sem. i don't open up much to anyone arnd here over whats going on with me, the real me and not just the superficial me. mimi has been a great friend and so have the others arnd me, but perhaps i have placed too much emphasis on appearing as if i am well and truly over him. but perhaps not.

in a way, i know how markk feels but then again, i don't. unlike him, i never had the privilege of him being mine. so whilst markk has those happy memories, i lack any. therefore at night when i am alone in my room (it's been so different since joy left the house. the house now is... quiet and dead) i just eat away my sorrows. i think i sound like i need some dire help. maybe right now, i just need markk and g by my side. i realise despite what special friendship i have with mimi (she is still great), markk and g makes everything right. (sorry mimi) and i think the reason why is because G, esp, has been there since i was a little little girl... all the way up to now. and we have proven inseparable. he knows me better than i know myself and with him, i'm just me. the pretty, the ugly, the corrupted, the play-innocent, the smart, the dumb, whatever. and markk, what can i say about him? he's like the bro.... whom i never really quite had. i love my bro with all due respects, don't misunderstand me. its just that with markk, i am allowed to be vulnerable and scared. because he is such a formidable and protective figure in my life. with these 2 by my side, what more can go wrong in my life? i can wept all i want. for now, i can only count down to the number of days again when it will all seem right.

i think i have seem to digress from my original topic. so like i was saying, i feel all this pressure in regards to weight - my parents think i am too fat, my bro is ashamed of intro-ing me to his friends (coz i am too fat), even my grandparents think i am too fat (they asked me why i cannot be slim like my cousins, mich and cheryl). sometimes i use to laugh it off. but deep down inside, yeah, why ain't i thinner? i think this semester has spiralled alittle out of control - with me putting on more weight (i better not disclose how much weight) due to frequent eating and stress. i don't eat extremely unhealthy stuff like fried foods or something - i just eat more than the normal girl. it's almost like people arnd me tell me i shldn't eat so much and i do know its true, but is it right to conform to society?

i realise one thing i like about australia. 1stly. the clothes aren't as ah lian as singapore 'fashion' now. [got into a little debate over this with my mum - she thinks i shld buy more stuff from singapore but i think its way too ah lian] 2ndly, i can fit into the clothes better in aust. in singapore, i feel its so challenging to buy a pretty top, because a) it's too tight or b) i'm too big. both are the same prob - so as you can see, its tough. in aust, i wear a size 10, which is equals to a S in aust. (size 8 is XS, size 12 an M and so on). thats because the aussie population is overweight. mimi was saying before, she dares to wear sleeveless tops in aust but not in singapore and in some sense, i know what she means... its ok to be daring here, but not ok to be daring in singapore. people judge you for it. correction, people judge you for everything in singapore. its tiring. sometimes i wish it need not be the case. the pressure to be thin right now is getting to me. but i dont plan to conform. not now anyway. as long as i don't turn out to be casey donovan's size (aussie idol season 2 winner who is a size 20 i think). i realise you can be chubby and fit. its just how fit you can get. i wld like to think i am fitter than some of the thinner girls i know. so thats a good thing. for now, i'd just aim to keep my fitness in check - whatever else, will be will be. if i cannot find a boyfriend who loves me fats and all, then i'd be better off an old maid eh.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

"You have lots of friends,
don't you, Pooh?"
asked Piglet.

"Yes,
but only one Piglet."
Pooh answered.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

scottie doesn't know,

rotten. i fancy him....

shhhhh.