i am officially homeless. and school has been crazy since day 1. i wonder how long will i last with my overload. i love crys. she is the most gracious person, despite our love-hate relationship. she has opened up her house to me to crash for as long as i need until i find a place. nevertheless, i will insist on a love gift when i leave, for the rent/amentities and food.

school has been like crazy-hectic. 4th year is like a wham!bam!slam! thing in your face. if i thought i was poor thing, wait till you see nick. nick has been a total sweet thing. he woke up @ 7am just to accompany me to class the whole day despite having no school himself yesterday. of course he was a buncha sour grapes but he was really sweet about it. i reckon crys has a lil something for him. hahaha. all she goes is.... "so cuteeee! soooo cute!!"

everyone thinks i am a paedophile. take one look at nick and think i am staying with some 17yr old. ok, i had to admit, he looks a crapload better in real life than in the photo i'd posted.. which makes him a whole lot cute. i have no romantic attraction to him but damn, the attraction we get walking together. it's worse than me and jem. hahaha. come to think of it, i haven't seen nor heard from jem since i returned. i tried to contact him but it went unanswered. sighs.

some things are just so weird. neither have i seen nor heard from terry. oh wells. one big messy thing which i am not gonna care about. it's good enough to have nick with me. he's a good guy. he has been carrying my stuff for me since i popped my knee. oh, haha, both of us are in black and white combis today.

so funny. he's my newest galfriend. he has a good sense of dressing too!

flashback on the week!

1. chinese new year - ooooh, all the hakka food. all the teochew food. fooood.... now all that weight...

2. stjames powerhouse fabulous monday. i can't get enough of it baby. i swear i have never seen this many hot, desirable guys in my entire life. drool baby, drool. while we shouldn't sweat on petty things in life, i will never come close to petting any of these sweaty 'things' ever. unfortunately. [photos to be up soon]

3. in the midst of my glamorous podium dancing with my loveable ced, i popped my knee and tore a ligament. poor jeff - off he was with me to SGH A&E. now, i am everybody's favourite LAME fag hag on crutches.

4. i have the fugliest timetable anybody can have. i cannot believe i am assigned 5-7pm classes for corporation law! that bloody timeslot are for working mature age students. everybody else i know got their top choices. except me. screw this crap.

5. amidst my bitchfit, my housemate offered to sit in with me during those classes. if he had classes earlier in the day and is waiting for me before going home together, thats one thing. sweetest thing is that... he actually has no school on that day. awww, nick....

6. we. are. still. homeless. and honestly, i don't understand why because we have fairly forgiving budgets.

7. i never fail to have that feel-good feeling when i am out with my bro, like lunch with him @ raffles place today was just..... happiness. he's like my comfort pillow.

8. did i mention that i hate my spastic timetable? i can just cry. bloody 4th year. i already knew you were going to be a pain in my freaking ass.

9. i miss you jem. yes, i do. more than you'll ever know.

doncha wish your housemate was hot like mine? *evil laugh*

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

true for ceddy. true for mark. true for me.

my best galfriend showed her relentles support for me at the airport. awwww. *hugs*

once again, the thorn among the roses.

the man responsible for my education and whom i am indebted to indefinitely.

tina, monique, mark and i at louis' BIG THREE ZERO birthday dinner.

a lilttle alcohol never hurts anyone. dons is so cute!! joanna was red and definitely G.O.N.E while joce looks on in amusement.

the 2nd table. they are what makes my stay in australia so bearable!

our table!! i think i was a tad too tipsy by then... hey, the lobster noodle and champagne is a deadly combo. shoots you straight up to blissland!

the very 'beautiful' birthday boy, louis (as he describes himself) and the ice cream cake.

crystal (my ex housemate), tina and i wanted to go for lobster noodle @ northbridge chinese restaurant tonight. however, we found out that it was fully booked for a wedding. when we popped our heads in, tina and i realise we knew the married couple! gull and cindy!

so we decided to popp over to anothe restaurant for snow crab noodle. the bill sent me into a fit when i went to settle it.

we saw.....
we ate.....
and we conquered!! *burp*

thank goodness it was worth every bloody cent (many cents that is...)

been house hunting. totally exhausting. but i need to find a place by this weekend. it has been extremely discouraging too. places which fit our criteria are either taken or subject to restrictions. but i will get around it.

so hungry. have had fruit salad, peppermint tea and tina's scraps for brunch at DOME. going to the hospital cafe to grab some snacks soon.

remind me to post pictures taken at the airport and louis' 30th birthday dinner @ kardinya south ocean restaurant. i had abit too much to drink - 3 full glasses of champagne and 4 glasses of wine. all under 30 mins. mmmm.

i feel terrible. honestly. partly because i am leaving singapore. yes, it's awfully sad to part with my family and my close friends. but the main reason why i feel like crappy poopoo is because i have been such a selfish bitchy bitch.

wallowing in self-pity has always been my weakness. and this time round, i just turned a blind eye to most things around me and endured my loneliness, sleepiness, overactive mind and pain thinking there isn't anyone else that i know of who is going through such level of troubles. childish i know. we all need to learn and for manja me, it's now. better late than never i guess. yes, it is indeed jeff and mark's wake up call which shook me up - to look around, count the blessings and take the first step of self-improvement.

just moments ago, i just learnt that there was someone else that i knew who was going through as much hurt, pain and suffering as i was. but that he didn't show it. i should have known. his msn nickname would have been a sad face or "down and out... but i will bounce back soon" or "what is love". but bitchy bitch me never took the initiative to ask. i knew he was going through half of what i was experiencing. yet, i never expected him to have even more and greater problems thrown in as well.

i asked him about it earlier and the simple reply "nope" affirmed my suspicions. he was down and out alright, like me. but as his msn nickname said he would "bounce back to what he was before" and be ok. he had such a mentality but yet i didn't. this reverts back to the previous post about life's lessons in coping/dealing with problems. our lives still go on regardless, like what mark said.

i feel ashamed. i was so blinded by everything, i failed to consider even those close to my heart. he and i share the same genes, we live across the hallway to another when i am back home. yet he doesn't hide behind his mask of problems. neither does he wear his emotions on his sleeve. maybe its a boy thing - something i really wanna believe in. despite it, there's no excuse for me. i am going to learn. and be someone jeff, mark and i myself can be proud of.

kor, i respect (and love) you.

indeed the bitter truth is always the hardest pill to swallow. so people, esp friends, always end up beating around the mulberry bush before eventually getting to the point. i, for one, have always prided myself in being someone who tells it like it is. and to have very close friends who are as blunt as my nose can be a double edge sword. but i choose to see it as a blessing.

i am gonna share something really personal. although it may put me in an extremely negative light, i don't bother. blogs are not just meant to highlight how pretty, smart, capable or wonderful someone really is, but rather it is an insight to an individual's life, the good and the bad to give the writer a balance in personality.

today mark and jeff shared with me, individually, that they didn't like the way i was coping with my problems/grief. the overloading, the breakdown, the kaypo-ness of meddling with other people's problems and then burdening myself with it. the end result is me breaking down in the past year- the gambling, going missing, crying my eyes/lungs/heart out over some guy and the binge drinking. they were extremely worried about me and it pained them to see me like that. they want me to be happy, not to sweat on petty things (and i shouldn't pet sweaty things either. sidelined.).

both mean well and there is no anger at all on my part. if anything, it makes me treasure, respect and love them even more. i feel like sharing with everyone what mark shared with me (as he was more toned down) because i believe everyone can learn something from it. he committed alot of honesty and wisdom on life's lessons into the conversation (or lecture). i hope you don't mind, without me asking, bro.

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"whatever happens in life, life goes on. your whole world does not just stop there and then. when the tsnami came, it washed away everything. family, a house, a home, farms... a country. but there, life still goes on. you got to work and rebuild your life back. it is something that must be done, there is no compromise about it. businesses fail - but we still have to carry on. i can say, that there is nothing in this world that can happen, and we can say 'shucks it's checkmate for me' because this is something that we have been doing, nothing new. sure, it's hell tiring but no one ever said life was easy.

what your friends will do is help you along the way, someday they get tired too and hopefully you can piggyback them. but you cannot walk the distance for them. somewhat like i cannot sit the exams for you [like what my mum always use to say]. there will be people along the way to perk you up but at the end of the day, you got to go through it.

shit happens throughout life. when people die and pastors say "you should be comforted that the person is no longer suffering on earth", it is indeed very true.

you can put yourself in my shoes. someone gave you something you wished for. whether or not you want to disappoint the person or not, its up to you. but i make it my personal goal to be the best that i set myself to be. what i want, i will get. call me spoilt, but i achieve everything through my own efforts, blessed with the gifts and opportunities i am given along the way which are major bonuses.

we all have to balance, work hard and play hard. this makes life more meaningful. there are alot of things beyond our control but these are the ones, all the more, you MUST get past them. you like someone but he doesn't like you back, too bad. get over it. lousy job or lousy boss? you either work it out or find another job. life goes on.

don't let the little things along the way change your goals and plans. as some say (and i believe), these are little tests from God. take them as little thorns on the roses. you must NOT stray from your path still. when things overwhelm, get out, get away. when things neutralizes, then come back and face them. we cannot face everything all at once, we are only human. just go through one thing at a time and worry when we should. there is only one way to it. that way, we can get past our problems, learn and move on."
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truth in every word. mark and jeff - they are soft, yet firm. they love but they tell it like it is. they laugh with me but they share with me things that they have learnt the hard way. the joy, the tears, they have seen it all. respect is not freely given but earned. they have my utmost respect and love. their kindness and love for me, i can never repay. i am indebted to them a lifetime. i will not let you boys down, here is my promise.

*if you wonder why we brought up such a topic, continue wondering. you'll know why in due time.

ced organised a 'farewell' dinner at his dad's restuarant for some good old cantonese food. it was wickedly awesome!! i cannot remember the name of the restaurant but the address is 96 amoy street!

the food was awesome but the company was even better. it's overwhelming to be around the people whom you love dearly and be treated so well. their kindness to me, i can never repay. thanks to yan, queenin, keita, isaac, mark, gerald and ced.

after dinner, we indulged in some cam whoring in this secluded park area thing. i cannot remember feeling this happy in a while and spending some quality time with mark.

special mentions to yan whom we manage to convince her to buy and wear a dress. i reckon that we all looked really pretty!! the photo is so girlish (just ignore the peace thingy)

mark reminds me of the laughing/smiling buddha when he sits on this wooden thingy. extremely endearing.

we then proceeded to mr teh tarik, under my request. i don't get teh tarik in perth. the only place that sells it, makanmakan @ vicpark puts a crapload of condense milk - insulin poisoning! in the end, everyone ordered milo dinosaur and i wanted one. :(

along the way, we got distracted by this lady who was making lil animal figurines. ced and gerald bought one each. the fascination of it all!

despite being not dressed for the occasion and not up for it, i relented in going to st james power house as i've never been there. i finally popped my powerhouse cherry!

again, thanks to ced for bringing the buncha us in for free. mark's mum and laopa came too. are they hiong or what! mark's mum has st james membership. thankfully, st james wasn't as disappointing as MOS or zouk. they played heapsa handbag songs, so even the gang enjoyed themselves tremendously!

yes, i love mark and gang. i dread leaving this place. to go back to being alone. it was truly a memorable day.

been so self-absorbed and consumed with my own problems, which seem like they are neverendingly increasing. there's alot to rant about but there's also none to discuss about. some are just too personal, too destructive to blog about. it will change the way you look at me. i think i have enough self-pity to last my remaining lifetime, i need not collect more.

i've become an insomniac, too many things going round in my head, driving me insane, ever so gradually. so i decided to change my blogg skin. it is kinda 'me' but yet, i'm not like crazyy about it. it's rad but maybe a lil too young for me. however, since time wasn't of the essence, i just decided that burning time on trying to edit someone else's html code was rather worthwhile. credit goes to bananapancakes, who does happen to be my SC junior i realise.

my time in singapore is coming to an end. in a couple more days, i'll be leaving on a jet plane, fully aware that every circumstance around has changed. and as usual, powerless to do anything about it. i hate that feeling. i hate all the animosity in the air, the icy tension, the tandrums, the guilt i am made to feel for every slightest thing. i've done no wrong, i've hurt no one. why, as mark says, why does everyone treat me so meanly? am i unreasonable? i don't think so. sighs.

i don't wanna go back to perth. i don't want spend 3 weeks and chinese new year all by myself. i don't want to go back thinking what is gonna happen in singapore. will i still have a mum when i come back? i don't wanna worry about my life there, and the lives back here. i don't wanna worry about my overloading. i don't go insane trying to cope with the ridiculous workload.

all i want is peace, love and companionship. none of which i have right now. i want to thank my very close friends who have been here in my recent grief - xing, jeff, mark and queenin. i cannot express the gratitude, love and appreciation i have for you. thank you.

to avoid ending on an uttermost self-wallowing note, congrats to amy who has recently become 'mrs krokene' (did i spell that right?) see, not everyone's love life is as terok or non-existent as mine. and oh yes, in true blue rach fashion, she once again crushes on a boy who has boyfriends.