i feel terrible. honestly. partly because i am leaving singapore. yes, it's awfully sad to part with my family and my close friends. but the main reason why i feel like crappy poopoo is because i have been such a selfish bitchy bitch.

wallowing in self-pity has always been my weakness. and this time round, i just turned a blind eye to most things around me and endured my loneliness, sleepiness, overactive mind and pain thinking there isn't anyone else that i know of who is going through such level of troubles. childish i know. we all need to learn and for manja me, it's now. better late than never i guess. yes, it is indeed jeff and mark's wake up call which shook me up - to look around, count the blessings and take the first step of self-improvement.

just moments ago, i just learnt that there was someone else that i knew who was going through as much hurt, pain and suffering as i was. but that he didn't show it. i should have known. his msn nickname would have been a sad face or "down and out... but i will bounce back soon" or "what is love". but bitchy bitch me never took the initiative to ask. i knew he was going through half of what i was experiencing. yet, i never expected him to have even more and greater problems thrown in as well.

i asked him about it earlier and the simple reply "nope" affirmed my suspicions. he was down and out alright, like me. but as his msn nickname said he would "bounce back to what he was before" and be ok. he had such a mentality but yet i didn't. this reverts back to the previous post about life's lessons in coping/dealing with problems. our lives still go on regardless, like what mark said.

i feel ashamed. i was so blinded by everything, i failed to consider even those close to my heart. he and i share the same genes, we live across the hallway to another when i am back home. yet he doesn't hide behind his mask of problems. neither does he wear his emotions on his sleeve. maybe its a boy thing - something i really wanna believe in. despite it, there's no excuse for me. i am going to learn. and be someone jeff, mark and i myself can be proud of.

kor, i respect (and love) you.