after all has been said a done. its time to move on.

the new blog's http://taintednarcotics.blogspot.com.

i have yet to do it up. but give me some time.

this will be the start of many more things to come.

thank you for the advanced birthday present.

i believe, the first you have given me in our 7 years of "knowing" each other. this reply is long overdue. and i believe, this moment is definitely the apt time to reply.

for me, what burnt the most during this 7 years was carrying around the pain of being gossiped about/ostrasized. for something which was never meant to surface; for a childish spur of a moment err. i chose, at 14, to disappear. at that point in time, it seemed right, justified. maybe if i could do things differently again, i would do this differently. whatever it may be, disappearing didn't mean the pain lessened. no. it haunted me. in school, at night. and these years of being kept apart...... my mind always wandered back. all the what ifs.

finding you after 5 years, it was bittersweet. once burnt, twice shy. but 5 years on, i truly believed i was ready to have a friendship with you. i was hurt and scared. trust me, it wasn't just you. i was farking scared shitless. initially, as much as i didn't care what people thought/said, i definitely did not want to reopen another can of worms - generating more talk. now, i shld know better not to care what people see and talk about.

i believe i have let the past go. i don't know about you. its clear we both do not want to deal with more 'what ifs' and bear more regrets. we may be wary about each other, but we both know there is this invisible force holding us together. something we can't shake off or break off. so its for us to make the best of it. and try.

for one more day. "if you had the chance, just one chance, to go back and fix what you did wrong in life, would you take it? and if you did, would you be big enough to stand it?" yes i would, i would....

thank you for the 21st present.

credit goes to: xing* for her brilliant effort on this invite.

puss baby. i miss you so much.

i don't think i have felt as much pain, hurt and disappointment as i did today. not since my best friend's death.

i don't think i have cried as hard as this before.

i don't wish to blog about the details. lest people accuse me of being attention seeking. apparently, its attention-seeking enough for me to say how sad i am. i cannot even be real.

up to this point in time, i thought my biggest disappointment was fucktard. once again, i have been proven wrong.

exam debrief.

administrative law: considering i burnt 2 entire weeks looking at administrative law, the exam still went haywire. i couldn't correctly identify the various issues in the paper - improper purpose, irelevancy/relevancy, inflexible application of policy, behest.. all look the same to me.

corporations law: try cramming 428 pages worth of notes into one day. possible? no. but that's what i tried to do. but failed miserably. with some luck, i will clear this. barely. that's all i hope.

foundations of asian business: suppose to be idiot proof. all i had to do was memorise 4,500 words. but complacency got the better of me. i decided to start studying only 10 hours before hand. my brain decided to shut down. and now the joke is on me, the fool.

intellectual property: the weakest unit of the lot. had a mere 9hrs to study for this. couldn't finish studying. 2hr paper. spent the 1st 50 mins writing irrelevant issues only to realise so. struck off everyting and started from scratch. in the end, i did not answer 17 marks out of the 50 mark paper. go figure. hello intellectual property in 2008.

i am planning to do something drastic with this blog. sit tight, wait and see.

gee. the innovative things law students put in their powerpoint presentations.

i've tried and tried. but i can't let go.

i tell myself i need to move on in time. once i thought i had it all worked out. but what i would never expect is for you to use me and then hurt me in the most cruelest way ever.

stripped, broken and burnt. if only anyone can look inside my crushed heart and demented mind and tell me i am not paranoid and i'll be ok.

anyone. someone.

i have the most awful dream last night. i don't even know how it happened. i woke up sick in the stomach. ready to puke.

i dreamt that fucktard had a girlfriend. this short-haired, fiesty little thing. he was wearing his olive green CK lycra tee and DKNY skinny leg jeans. she was in some tiny shorts and a tee. they were standing in front of me making out, with his hands in her shorts around her ass and hers in his front pocket.

she then grabbed his hand and led him to his room and shut the door in front of me. i remember i was just watching on blankly in this dream. somehow, the next scene in my dream was that i was at the mall, and i saw the both of them having a meal... somewhere along the way (its either i forgot what happened in the dream or it got fastforwarded) - i was looking on in her house as they were having sex. while in the 1st scenario when they were making out, i knew i was visible to them - like they cld see me but wanted to prove something to me. but in the scene where they were humping..... i had this sickening gut feeling i was dead. a ghost watching on.

and i got awoken abruptly. by fucktard coming into my room to get something. i find it so hard to face him. after all the abuse i suffered from him, the emotional, the psychologial and then the physical. now i am haunted by him in my dreams.

what do i have to do to wipe my memory clean. get into an automobile accident and lose my memory?

thanks chun for the adorable, huggable puss you sent over all the way from singapore. he is kept close to me at all times all nights.

*disclaimer: spectacles, headphones and laptop not included.

finally told fucktard off. puss has been sleeping with him every night. but these few nights, she has been creeping into my room. but he has always plucked her out and put her in his room. so tonight, he went to collect her from my room and i told him "just leave her be." he was like "but you don't like her disturbing you..." so i replied "yeah. coz i don't get much sleep. but if she doesn't back off, i'll just put her in the living room."

the pained look on his face was priceless. "huh..........." he whined. i looked at him firmly and said "oh please. she has as comfortable enough a life as possible. why do you wanna fucking spoil her even further." i stopped short of telling him that he called me a spoilt brat a few weeks ago.... i could have said very mean things and blown things up. but i bit my words back.

and there he is.... literally treating this puss like his life. i know cats are manja by default, but the way my puss lives, honestly, it's almost like she is idolised and she knows it. i don't see what is wrong with the puss living in the hall. is it cruelty to leave her sleeping in the hall with all the cushions and all? bloody hell.

2 more sleeps to my administrative law paper.
6 more sleeps to my corporations law paper.
7 more sleeps to my asian business paper.
8 more sleeps to my intellectual property law paper.

how screwed am i for them? effed. completely. i have been pwned by uwa. -sob-

you came over to my place to chill after your exams as promised. to collect the vanilla sponge cake with frosting that i had baked for you and several others.

somehow or another, our conversation strayed back to the past - my relationship with jaks, and then to my current situation and lastly to your future. where the next year will bring you to. and as i sat opposite you reliving those memories, stabs of pain shot up my chest. i remembered the times when we were so carefree, uni aside. how we will walk matilda bay. i thought back to the first time i actually met you, at matilda bay and hugged you real tight when i needed someone to talk to. oh, and how we dodged classes and grabbed pizza before heading to the riverside for lunch.

what about the times when you use to come to my house to do assignments and we end up talking rubbish and mucking around with my tablet laptop. remember i got so exasperated when teaching you microeconomics 1101, that idiot-proof unit you ended up failing? we laughed as we relieved those memories today. today, i also finally managed to get it off my chest - the guilt i'd been carrying around for breaking my promise to you. some 2,3 years ago.

i promised you whatever that had happened between jaks and i, i just wouldn't leave church. but i did. the moment i broke up with him, i stuck around for the remainder of the semester and then vanished. i am not one who makes promises and then breaks them. but i couldn't help it. it was just about plain awkwardness. but the blatant fact people talked, blamed, critisized, judged me and yet not having the guts to come up to me to deal with the issue with me. and so i felt hampered being just in that church. as if i was being smothered with a cushion, crushing my chest. and so i left.

you told me you understood. when i had left, you knew it was more than just about jaks. it had become me vs the congregation. and i was relieved. but something still nagged me. i just couldn't quite figure out. nevertheless, its good to have you back. i didn't realise it... but i have known you for 4 years. these 4 years have been such a revelation for me. of which you were a massive part of it. i stil remember finding out about you and her. i couldn't have just dug a hole in the ground, wept myself to half-death and buried myself in. so i left you alone with her. after all, what was i to say.... of all people you and her?!?!?! no, i didn't say anything and neither did you.

know what, my mentality as to all these things have changed. because ignorance is bliss. be it temporal or not. its just like with fucktard. not knowing beats all knowing hands down. i don't need to know. i just need you in my life. maybe not as a significant other. i have gotten over the days i've wept my eyes out, having to take sleeping pills at night to sleep. i just need you to be my calming sanity. i don't even know how i am going to handle your leaving next year..... i am horrible at goodbyes. i don't know when i will see you again or if i ever will see you again for the matter.

after you left, i was speaking to one of my friends online. i cannot quite remember what was being asked... but it had something to do with the guys in my entire love life who has/had a HUGE impact on me - and then i realised. it was you and jem. no one else. in very different ways, both of you have had a huge impact on me. even though it was never meant to be with the both of you. and despite the fact both you and jem gave me biggest pains in my heart, both of you have ever ill treated me. not once. you both loved me and treated me with the respect a girl could only ask for. you..... i remember wanting to hate you when you cradled me in your arms and drew me to your chest while i was weeping my lil lungs out, but i couldn't. because you were doing the right thing in the end. you knew you wouldn't live up to the lies that you could have possibly led me into.

and i thank you so much for it.

puss looking @ fucktard's macbook in fascination. she must be jealous of all that webcamming he does with online sluts.

quite a few people have been asking me "rach... what do you want for your birthday?" so i got thinking. being totally true to myself (that is, being shameless), at the risk of appearing like a prat to everyone, i'll just list/comment on the things/brands that i crave/need/want/spy. obviously, some things will appear over the top but its just being speaking out, like a normal blog entry and being totally bimbo. not so much the expectancy if receiving it, which is far from it.

the wears
1. obsessed with elle mcpherson intimates, CK underwear and pJs (not forgetting their models).
2. paul frank is your friend! their oh-so-cute tees, boxer shorts and pJs
3. country road - understated class, simple, quality.
4. there's something about ted baker, babydoll marcs and fcuk that i cannot quite put my finger too but they have pretty awesome wears.
5. ben sherman for her, abercrombie& fitch for everyday preppy wear

accessories
1. bags - oroton, country road, mimco, agnes b. and marc by marc jacobs.
2. jewellery - oh hell, who doesn't adore tiffany & co.? the more bling, the better. bring on the diamonds.
3. shoes - marc jacobs, kenneth cole, dolce and gabbana and ninewest. need i say more?
4. watch - i don't even own one. haha.
5. wallet - agnes b., salvadore ferragamo and oroton. oh agnes b. she's 63, she's coming to a party near you. she's agnes b.

techno-savvy
1. those white seinnheiser portable earphones/headphones are wicked. my puss shredded the last 3 pairs.
2. apple ipod nano in white. right now, i live in the dark ages.
3. any charity willing to donate a macbook to me?
4. that uber cool samsung SGH-u600. droolsome. i need you.
5. bose speakers. you know.. you vont it.

others
1. my obsession with aromatherapy oils. mmm peppermint by jurlique.
2. a tad too flowery but peony2 by stella mccartney makes every chick scent-sational.
3. just love mac's blaque eyeliner, mascara and eyeshadow. all things blaque.
4. gosh. bedsheets/duvet cover addiction. anything that prettifies my room.
5. lifetime supply of smirnoff vodka, hoegaarden beer and lil creatures pale ale. pretty please?
6. a very cute boyish boy for me please - must be mellow but slightly cheeky, articulate, family oriented, loves kids, wise spender, fairly domesticated and lastly, not a jerk like fucktard.

thats about it for now. hahaha. if i see or think anything else, part 2!!!! hahaha.

did you know that jim davis, the creator of garfield, specifically made garfield orange as it is scientifically proven to be true that orange cats generally are overweight?

not to mention that garfield is older than me. his birthday is on the 19th of june, 1978. omg. that makes him older than mark too.

so many thoughts running through my head. i feel the need to just flush it all out.

first and foremost, to the author of the previous post - i will reply to that post, in a separate post entirely. to clump everything that has happened between us... 7 years of skeletons buried in our closet.. with this post of trivial ramblings does you no justice at all.

now.... a few entries back, i actually posted up photos of my room which featured my pretty crutches. and i think i very well jinxed myself that moment by saying i hope i didnt need to use them very soon. because on monday, i found myself in a situation similar to that of st james power station, only that i was walking to uni when it happened. needless to say, i never made it to uni and spent the day in hosp. to cut the grandmother story short, i have the fugliest leg brace ever to support that dodgy knee. and i will have to go for orthopedic treatment/physiotherapy during my exams. this is pure shit. but what can i do, really. i should have shut up about the crutches in the first place. now my pits are sore and swollen once again.

this following segment is specially dedicated to all the people who think that i am smart. no guys, rachel is definitely far from being a genius. to substantiate my point: i failed my first ever law assignment. intellectual property. i score an abysmal 8.5 out of 20. i haven't seen my paper just yet, but the blow to me was massive. i have never ever ever failed a single paper in my entire life. i have always scrapped heaps of passes. but to fail?? now, i couldn't swallow that. even though i was so tired/burnt out after submitting 4 papers beforehand, this is no excuse! i shouldn't fail. :( this means my intellectual property assessment mark to date is a shameful 57% percent. i need to pull huge numbers on the finals. which is not likely coz i have a paper barely 16 hours before. i just want to kick myself.

but thankfully, the trade off was worth it. i had a 50% essay that was due just before this intellectual property paper and i was freaking out big time on it. i dedicated almost ALL my time to this single research paper..... i ate, slept and breathed ADR (alternate dispute resolution) for almost 2 weeks. when i found out that i had failed IP, my heart dropped. if i didn't pass this ADR major essay, i would have just given up. completely. got my paper back today. i scored 78% - a distinction. 2 more % and i would have snagged my first ever law HD. well, it didn't happen but i won't be complaining. the trade off was paid off. whether it was worth it, that's another story. nothing can justify a failure i reckon.

now... awaiting my ABUS presentation + case study marks, corporations law mid semester exam grades and ADR presentation marks. if only i can pull through..............