you came over to my place to chill after your exams as promised. to collect the vanilla sponge cake with frosting that i had baked for you and several others.
somehow or another, our conversation strayed back to the past - my relationship with jaks, and then to my current situation and lastly to your future. where the next year will bring you to. and as i sat opposite you reliving those memories, stabs of pain shot up my chest. i remembered the times when we were so carefree, uni aside. how we will walk matilda bay. i thought back to the first time i actually met you, at matilda bay and hugged you real tight when i needed someone to talk to. oh, and how we dodged classes and grabbed pizza before heading to the riverside for lunch.
what about the times when you use to come to my house to do assignments and we end up talking rubbish and mucking around with my tablet laptop. remember i got so exasperated when teaching you microeconomics 1101, that idiot-proof unit you ended up failing? we laughed as we relieved those memories today. today, i also finally managed to get it off my chest - the guilt i'd been carrying around for breaking my promise to you. some 2,3 years ago.
i promised you whatever that had happened between jaks and i, i just wouldn't leave church. but i did. the moment i broke up with him, i stuck around for the remainder of the semester and then vanished. i am not one who makes promises and then breaks them. but i couldn't help it. it was just about plain awkwardness. but the blatant fact people talked, blamed, critisized, judged me and yet not having the guts to come up to me to deal with the issue with me. and so i felt hampered being just in that church. as if i was being smothered with a cushion, crushing my chest. and so i left.
you told me you understood. when i had left, you knew it was more than just about jaks. it had become me vs the congregation. and i was relieved. but something still nagged me. i just couldn't quite figure out. nevertheless, its good to have you back. i didn't realise it... but i have known you for 4 years. these 4 years have been such a revelation for me. of which you were a massive part of it. i stil remember finding out about you and her. i couldn't have just dug a hole in the ground, wept myself to half-death and buried myself in. so i left you alone with her. after all, what was i to say.... of all people you and her?!?!?! no, i didn't say anything and neither did you.
know what, my mentality as to all these things have changed. because ignorance is bliss. be it temporal or not. its just like with fucktard. not knowing beats all knowing hands down. i don't need to know. i just need you in my life. maybe not as a significant other. i have gotten over the days i've wept my eyes out, having to take sleeping pills at night to sleep. i just need you to be my calming sanity. i don't even know how i am going to handle your leaving next year..... i am horrible at goodbyes. i don't know when i will see you again or if i ever will see you again for the matter.
after you left, i was speaking to one of my friends online. i cannot quite remember what was being asked... but it had something to do with the guys in my entire love life who has/had a HUGE impact on me - and then i realised. it was you and jem. no one else. in very different ways, both of you have had a huge impact on me. even though it was never meant to be with the both of you. and despite the fact both you and jem gave me biggest pains in my heart, both of you have ever ill treated me. not once. you both loved me and treated me with the respect a girl could only ask for. you..... i remember wanting to hate you when you cradled me in your arms and drew me to your chest while i was weeping my lil lungs out, but i couldn't. because you were doing the right thing in the end. you knew you wouldn't live up to the lies that you could have possibly led me into.
and i thank you so much for it.
somehow or another, our conversation strayed back to the past - my relationship with jaks, and then to my current situation and lastly to your future. where the next year will bring you to. and as i sat opposite you reliving those memories, stabs of pain shot up my chest. i remembered the times when we were so carefree, uni aside. how we will walk matilda bay. i thought back to the first time i actually met you, at matilda bay and hugged you real tight when i needed someone to talk to. oh, and how we dodged classes and grabbed pizza before heading to the riverside for lunch.
what about the times when you use to come to my house to do assignments and we end up talking rubbish and mucking around with my tablet laptop. remember i got so exasperated when teaching you microeconomics 1101, that idiot-proof unit you ended up failing? we laughed as we relieved those memories today. today, i also finally managed to get it off my chest - the guilt i'd been carrying around for breaking my promise to you. some 2,3 years ago.
i promised you whatever that had happened between jaks and i, i just wouldn't leave church. but i did. the moment i broke up with him, i stuck around for the remainder of the semester and then vanished. i am not one who makes promises and then breaks them. but i couldn't help it. it was just about plain awkwardness. but the blatant fact people talked, blamed, critisized, judged me and yet not having the guts to come up to me to deal with the issue with me. and so i felt hampered being just in that church. as if i was being smothered with a cushion, crushing my chest. and so i left.
you told me you understood. when i had left, you knew it was more than just about jaks. it had become me vs the congregation. and i was relieved. but something still nagged me. i just couldn't quite figure out. nevertheless, its good to have you back. i didn't realise it... but i have known you for 4 years. these 4 years have been such a revelation for me. of which you were a massive part of it. i stil remember finding out about you and her. i couldn't have just dug a hole in the ground, wept myself to half-death and buried myself in. so i left you alone with her. after all, what was i to say.... of all people you and her?!?!?! no, i didn't say anything and neither did you.
know what, my mentality as to all these things have changed. because ignorance is bliss. be it temporal or not. its just like with fucktard. not knowing beats all knowing hands down. i don't need to know. i just need you in my life. maybe not as a significant other. i have gotten over the days i've wept my eyes out, having to take sleeping pills at night to sleep. i just need you to be my calming sanity. i don't even know how i am going to handle your leaving next year..... i am horrible at goodbyes. i don't know when i will see you again or if i ever will see you again for the matter.
after you left, i was speaking to one of my friends online. i cannot quite remember what was being asked... but it had something to do with the guys in my entire love life who has/had a HUGE impact on me - and then i realised. it was you and jem. no one else. in very different ways, both of you have had a huge impact on me. even though it was never meant to be with the both of you. and despite the fact both you and jem gave me biggest pains in my heart, both of you have ever ill treated me. not once. you both loved me and treated me with the respect a girl could only ask for. you..... i remember wanting to hate you when you cradled me in your arms and drew me to your chest while i was weeping my lil lungs out, but i couldn't. because you were doing the right thing in the end. you knew you wouldn't live up to the lies that you could have possibly led me into.
and i thank you so much for it.
posted by princess rach at
10:15 PM
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