*disclaimer: i shall not be responsible for lil kids reading my blog who take on board any gibberish that appears in the previous post.

in light of such rubbish sprouted, i need to clarify i wasn't drunk and mimi can vouch for that. i have been terribly sick and the combination of ill health, extreme tiredness and alcohol does wonders to my spelling, eloquence (if i had any to begin with) and sanity.

right now i am sitting in the bio sciences library, fully sober (i better be). the mugging onslaught begins today. with 3 major papers next monday, tuesday and wednesday, i am severely lagging behind. i cannot believe how i could have happy ra-ra gone out on saturday night. shame on you, rach!! "i was just miserable the entire weekend - sick and missing J shamlessly" is my lame and pathetic excuse. here is some senseless dialouge for your perusal.

(on the bus on the way to uni)
me texting: i wonder if a particular sleeping beauty is up and about.
him: yes. does that appease your wonderings?
me: indeed.
him: working on the final group assignment and am heading to work soon enough. how you feeling? -in regards to my dodgy health-
me (walking into uni, in the midst of typing): ah, my cough is still really bad. thinking of getting an x ray done.......

*stops dead in my tracks as from the side of my eye i catch someone familiar*
(in my voiceless state)
me *whispering*: you..... i didn't see you till you almost walked past
him (looking up from his nintendo) *whispers back*: what are you doing here?
me: why are you whispering?
him: i lost my voice too.
me: i don't believe you.
him: i lost it at camp.
me: how can you possibly lose it at camp?
him: it's me. all the shouting and screaming... its a me thing. i lost it there.
me *rolls eyes*
him (in his normal voice): okok, i didn't lose it. i'm on the way to work, if you already didn't know. i just feel weird we are talking on different levels.
me: i can't help it you know.
-we bid our farewells-

(15 mins later......)
before he can call me a stalker again, me text: don't keep stalking me.
him: what right does it give you to call me a stalker when i was in uni before you?
me: the fact that you anticipate my every move, knowing where i will be and initiate all these "run-ins", while making it seem it's my doing by using the "i was here first" argument.
him: you knew i was in somewhat in uni and you ran to catch the bus so you can see me while walking in.
me (refusing defeat): a very sick me will not have been able to do that. and for the record, i was already on the bus when you mentioned you were doing group assignment, with no mention of whereabouts. so how the crap do i know? and there i was thinking you were still sleeping...
him (surprised i was fighting): pulling your sympathy vote, i shall let you win.
me: i need no sympathy vote because deep down inside, you know you are the mastermind behind it all.

yes, more nonsensical, trivial gibbberish indeed. unfortunately, everything is NOT as hunky dory as it seems. if only. i wish. i pray.

snapped usingg my campera phone. mimi and i outside the court, ready to rawk.

this ish me afta countless drinks, shorts, dunno what not. un-sober. ooopss.

my dahling mimi and i went to see what was with the perth pride parade. wash suppose to meet tommy boy @ the court to baskk in som e fun, but theu silly bouncers wouldn't lett us in because i didn't have the "allowed' ID, aka passport. usually i neva get checked, let alone funno what IC. they are totalllu screwed. soo ticked, we wnt to our usual haunt, the MUSTANG, to see what was the deal.

verry packed and fun. drunk after drink, we had so muchh fun. i was missin J so much, it was not funny. i think i could habe cried just missing him and thinkin about him. i haven't seen him for quite a few days and i hadn't heard from him for more than 35 hpurs. it was a record. ever. i ish so miserable without him.the mustang was the onlyy distaction i hadd.

i fink i am typing rubbishh here. so let me endd here and i will type nore when i ishh sober. i currently habe screamed until i have no voice. completely voiceless. hahahaha. total rubbish. my throat hurts and my cough wont stopp. who ask me, scream so much, drink so much. sorry if i spelt many words wongly here. sho tired.

P.S. i know many of you think my alter ago is cute/hot, i tell you a scret. i think so too. he is the apple of myy eye, the subject of my affections. what can i say. i love that picture. i love the boy even more. =)

a world exclusive. introducing my alter ego.

the alcoholic in me rearing its ugly head.

long overdue but definitely worth waiting for - the collage of my 20th birthday dinner. looking at these pictures makes me miss them so much. and reinforces my love for these people.

there's so much stuff going on in my head right now. it's like clouding my judgment, thoughts and affecting my studies.

saturday was wild. it was also annoying. met up with nick tan (from singapore) for some drinks. haha, some of you will know the LOOOOOOONG history nick and i have, which isn't a pretty one. amy and esther ended up coming along (long story behind it). it was fine amy was coming along, i have nothing against her. DUH. she is my drinking buddy man! but esther... i wasn't so sure. we ended up at the mustang drinking. i think i have stressed this on my blog over and over again: DO NOT DRINK SIMPLY TO MATCH OTHER PEOPLE. KNOW YOUR OWN LIMIT. i hate it when people drink for the sake of showing off or not wanting to lose out. obviously esther didn't know her limit. she ended up spewing on my jacket and blah blah blah. then blaming it on other people blah blah blah. ticked me off so bad.

next, she didn't bring her ID and we couldn't get anywhere. given that she was dressed so singaporean (tee + jeans) and barely look a day over 15, our movements were severely restricted. to cut the long story short, she spewed again in nick's car and ended up flat out on the road 2 roads from my house. and ended up crashing at my place. what a killjoy. but i had my fun when i sculled a double shot submarine - 1 pint of beer with 2 tequila shots dunked it. daim, that's some potent crap. oh, and thank GOD for amy who has been such an angel/star for helping me take care of esther.

as for J and i. things have gone downhill. looking at it from a Christianity context, maybe it's not God's will after all. He still likes this girl from ages ago... and just sort of realise it again. don't ask me who she is. Ignorance is bliss. while my curiosity might eventually kill me, temporal igorance is bliss. kiasu and mimi reckons he is undecided and confused. in all honesty, i don't think it's the case. i think he knows what he wants and it isn't me. that's the blunt truth. i cannot run away or kid myself... maybe next time things may change, i don't know. i don't hope. i never dare to. hope -> expectations -> when not materialised -> tenfold whammy hurt.

what really hurts though is that he acts like nothing has happened. or/and.... the manner in which he approaches things now. maybe its just me being over-sensitive. for example, yesterday i decided to meet mimi at the bio science library in the arvo, HOPING to get some work done. the moment i walked in, i saw him. like if you guys have been following this useless ranting blog for long enough, you'll know the bio sciences libary is my old stomping ground, back in the days when i use to stay with crys. i use to frequent there day and night because it's a couple hops from where i stay. just that ever since i've moved out, the reid seems more convenient and i hardly returned back to the bio science libraryy.

so J and i have been joking with each other for awhile now that we're stalking one another because of the frequency we bump into each other. but yesterday, he looked at me and asked "why are you stalking me". no smiles, no laughter. and then added "stalker" in front of all his 4 friends. with contempt, with intent. i myself had stopped dead in my tracks when i saw him and face paled. i didn't want to see him. not after that "girl he likes" and "what we should do next" incident. did he honestly think i wanted to follow/trace his movements? hell no. i just didn't want to see him. period. i didn't know what to say and just mutely walk up the to the next floor.

i don't understand. i just don't. how we got to where we are. awkward, intense and if possible, negligable contact. maybe it's just a "rach" thing, as mimi puts it. i am always 2nd best if not never an option. to me, 2nd best is just as good as being last.

GOD has made His stand and closed the door.

check this mp3 out. DRIFT AWAY. http://www.myspace.com/magnetichiphop

it's by this US hiphop duo, Magnetic North. totally wicked.

Rachel -- [adjective]: Visually addictive 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

i never realise how much moving house would have changed me. sure, its a change of location, out of my comfort zone. no more leaving the house at 10.40am and geleking to uni for 11am class. sure, coming home to a pitch black empty house at night with no one at home to chat to.

moving house for me has led to a change of lifestyle, a change of identity of who i am too. just take for example the amount of entertaining i do now. no longer do i have to consider whether my housemates are sleeping, unwell, studying or have entertainment plans of their own. anyone who wants to pop in, sure, just drop in. wanna crash? yeah, that's fine too. i host cell, and i host gatherings, intimate chill out gatherings.

take it to another level - i find myself become more and more a yuppie. yeah yeah, i don't work so i can't really say i am rolling in the dough and spending it lavishly. for example, the places i hang out. i still love to go to the city, but i take too walking along king street and the little nook and crannys. i use to think dotti was the bomb, but now i find alot of the stuff there..... commercial. maybe also because the current season range is abysmal. but even so, i find myself losing interest, somewhat, in such brands. i use to hang alot arnd the miss shop section @ myers but nowadays, i find myself looking at the high end stuff like wayne cooper, cooper street, basque and stuff. instead of thronging target, i wander for hours on end in david jones.

i remember thinking chilling with friends in the city/subi was awesome, until i discovered i was only a 10min walk from leederville, the yuppie hub. vibrant, trendy, chilled out - all the good things rolled into a coupe of streets. i love the obscurity that surrounds the area. subi isn't too bad but when you compare the two, leeds is like a craig david album, everything's good. you want everything. subi is more like justin timberlake album, a couple of stand outs here and there, but you have to sieve through the various tracks to see what you like and what you wanna chuck out.

i love the obscure labels that leeds has. the little shops stock with designer labels, unheard of brands and individualist pieces they bring in from private designers. i love running through the racks of custom pieces, praying the price is right, the size is right. shops like harry&gretel and atlas never fails to fascinate me. urban records, my new love, sells the obscure nu jazz and jazzanova albums that just makes you wanna kick back your heels ( in my case, thongs) and just chill. i have the overwhelming urge to just whisk the entire collection into my living room, wire it up to a player and spend the entire weekend from thursday evening to sunday night on my couch.

that's the life i am sort of leading. nono, it sounds to idealistic to be true. this of course runs along side the late night muggings at uni and the sleepless nights at home when i am doing my readings. not to mention the ministries i serve in at church and all the church stuff going on. it brings me great joy in helping out people with their stuff, like minh and dons being at my place till almost 1am last night discussin wedding invitation designs, brainstorming, chatting and enjoying minh's mp3 collection on my speakers. and i am so proud to say we have our sample invites, all ready to be printed and done up. it's just so awesome. and amazing how some of my inspiration was drawn from harry&gretel in leeds, which is an upclass boutique which has a shabby chic decor, what donna had in mind for her invites.

moving to west perth has been a major change for me. from just the environment to the people i hang out with to leeds to the music i listen to to the shops i frequent. seems like everything's changed a whole lot. sometimes i am amazed at myself. the amount of obscurity i bring to my life. wow.

This is GRANDILOQUENT by Jeremy Wong

GRANDILOQUENT. Now it is to my understanding (based upon a very broad general stereotype about the target audience of this magazine if any) that the huge majority of you would not have a clue at all to what the hell this word means. Now a smaller minority could quite possibly have a smidgen of insight into what this word probably means. And then there leaves just one person, me, who will of course explain it to every single one of you who cares to learn a new word, but if you did want to learn a new word, I’m sure by now you would have consulted one of the many fine dictionaries around.

Check this out for a scenario:
You: Hey dict! I don't think we've met before, nice party eh? My name is Soh Koo Wan.
Dict: Err…Hi Soh Koo Wan…How do you know my name? (STALKER ALERT!)
You: Well it's written on your face! In BIG letters, Webford Dictionary, however, that's too long for me to say and it doesn't sound smoooooooooth enough, so dict it is!
Dict: Wow, you're very observant. (what the hell does this guy want?!)
You: I know. However, I've never met one of your kind before and I was told by our drop dead sexy host, Jeremy, to peruse you to find a word.
Dict: I KNEW IT! WHY!? DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY GRIMY HANDS HAVE TOUCHED ME!? I'M NOT A FREAKING SLUT! EVERYDAY I’M SPREAD OPEN, CONSTANTLY FINGERED AND LEFT TO BE STARED AT. EVERY YEAR I PUT ON MORE WEIGHT JUST TO SCARE PEOPLE AWAY, BUT THEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE JUST KEEP COMING BACK. AND AT TIMES IT'S LIKE A GIANT GANGBANG!
You: Whoa…Relax babe, I'll just go use dictionary.com then…
Dict: Don't you dare touch that cheap whore! She can't even be called cheap cause she is free pickings! Who knows what kind of internet transmitted diseases such as adware, spyware and trojans she carries, I heard when she gets done, she uses no protection…

Alright, that's enough of that rubbish scenario. I don't like dictionary.com being called a cheap whore because that is where I primarily gained inspiration for this trifling discourse. As a reminder, it is not the case that I like to frolic with cheap whores, and in fact I actually have a big fat dictionary at home called “Longman's Dictionary”. It's just that I don't need to have my ego stroked every time I consult my Longman’s dictionary, a quickie will more than suffice most of the time.

But how did this flirtation with dictionary.com came about such that I would be able to gain inspiration to write something so utterly insightful that I’ve captivated every single one of my readers in such a way that anything I write now, makes complete sense and its clarity is beyond that of a quality cut diamond and that you are now in a state of belief where you could even make reference to this article in any situations to show off your familiarity to quality modern literature.

It all began in a little attended class called “English Literature” in year 11 and 12. Now my English skill was the best of the best, it was in its own upper echelon that could only be compared with the likes of William Shakespeare, John Donne and Oscar Wilde.

A little aside here, Jane Austen was purposely not included in that list because what she is known for was writing some drivel romance novel called Pride and Prejudice that could even make Mills and Boon squirm in agony at how rubbish it was. Who cares if she defied all the patriarchal paradigms by being a writer in a time when women were objects whose sole purpose was to clean the house, fulfil their husbands sexual urges, give their husband sons, and begin the cycle again. I believe if any it supported the phallocentric norms by empowering men of that generation to linger on the possibility of embracing the characteristics of Mr. Darcy.

Back to the story, since I was already the best of the best (mind you, I have the High D's
to prove it), I still wasn't satisfied. By then I would engage dictionary.com's cousin, thesaurus.com, extensively for essays, however dictionary.com found out about our little affair, so she made an offer that I couldn't resist. I COULD SUBSCRIBE TO THE WORD OF THE DAY, and from that I could enjoy little titbits of her everyday. She would say nice words to me some days, others she makes no sense, once in a month she gets really angry, and just the few days before she gets really angry, she would be quite horny. And all these emotions can be captured in ONE WORD A DAY. WOWZERS!

She got me hooked, like a fish on a line. Wait, that was rather poor usage of a simile, someone of my calibre should create my own original simile to set me above the rest, none of the cliché crap you hear people use such as…such as… heck! Can’t think of one, guess I’m just too good for them. Anyway, dictionary.com got me hooked like Koreans to kimchi, and just like the Koreans, everyday I'll ritualistically consume my word of the day. Our relationship was fantabulous!

But unlike the Koreans who consume kimchi for breakfast, lunch and dinner for their entire lives, I began to tire of dictionary.com. Too much of a good thing I say, even if it was just one word a day, although the taste of kimchi could be questionable about its status of being a good thing in the first place. For the un-informed, kimchi is fermented cabbage with chilli powder and a whole bunch of random preservatives. Because dictionary.com started to become dull and boring, yet I couldn't draw the courage to break up with her, so I decided to ignore her for a while.

And a while later, I'm still ignoring dictionary.com. Although every once in a while I might give her some maintenance. (Actually I don't think I ever did, it was only when I was cleaning out my inbox that I would have a quick read before I delete it.)

Until today, when I decided I needed some inspiration as to how to write this article and thought, “Hey! Let me take the first word of the day and write about it!” did I finally pay attention to my beloved after more than 2 years. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder! And so this is how I ended up meandering on the word grandiloquent, which just by the way is an adjective meaning pompous, bombastic and lofty in style.

seem to be reverting to the alcoholic i once was.

thursday was good. i took the night off, gave YA cell a miss. was taking J to this yuppie cafe/bar kinda place where this band plays really good live jazz. J loves jazz. he's one of the few guys i know that loves it as much as i do and i knew he will appreciate such a place, its ambience and music.

he scrubbed up really well. he rang my doorbell promptly @ 9, dressed in a yuppie shirt, black slacks, with his hair all done and a faint hugo boss scent linger. i was mesmorized. i, on the other hand, was in a simple green and white striped dress with a bow at the back. we started walking. we decided not to drive there because we intended to drink. forgetful me forgot to book a table and we were stuck at the bar. had the best long island tea ever. we shared a chocolate pizza, the cafe's signature dessert. we finally managed to get a table where the band was playing. he was enthralled by them, i was enchanted. we each got a hoegaarden (the best beer in the world) and just sat there in companionable silence, enjoying the live jazz. we then further pressed on with a little creatures pale ale and another long island tea. by the end of the night, we were surprisingly sober but nevertheless professing our undying love... no, not for each other. he for the bassist and me for the keyboardist of the band.

we made our way back, walking, mucking around. when we got back, i kept him indoors for 20 mins or so to make sure he was entirely sober before sending him off on his way. i really enjoyed myself that night. the band. the drinks. him.

although i only managed to sneak into bed by 2.30am, i was up by 6am to get ready for the kids event, narnia day where i was a volunteer leader. imagine 160 kids - 10 under my charge. 9 girls and a boy, 3 clinging to my leg screaming "rachel rachel rachel". bending, squatting, kneeing, running around catching/finding kids, head to toe in black tattoo paint. from 8am till 4pm. only God knows how i managed to sustain so long. immediately after that, i had to get ready for worship leading at cell. i only got home past midnight. thoroughly exhausted.

spent the entirely saturday bumming. J was getting a new mobile phone on saturday (and it comes with a free xbox 360. far out! i am jealous) and because of that, we stopped texting on friday arvo. i didn't realise, until then, how terrible it was. i missed him horribly but of course i cldn't bring myself to admit it to anyone. till now, here on my blog. i was so sad, so sad. but he finally texted me on saturday arnd 5ish with his new mobile. really cheered me up.

its also sad how like we just don't talk at church. partly for his sake, given how popular and sought after by girls he is at church, i don't want anyone to have like the wrong idea. the other part, i also dont know the reason why we don't talk. i feel like i am going against all the 'rules' that i have set for myself, even though rules are meant to be broken. markie trusts his guts 110% and says i should too. the gut is telling me to travel against the flow, defy thats left that hasn't been defied, challenging me to put myself out there.

but markk, i just can't be like you in that sense. i am scared. once bitten, twice shy. T burnt me real bad. and though it's over between T and i, as in i am over him, but the scar remains, the memories of the pain jolts my spine. i don't wanna put myself out there, where i give J the power to break me. yes, life is about taking risks, stepping out, knowing where you stand. but sometimes, temporal ignorance is bliss. being hazy about where i stand in mr ladies' man's eyes could be a good thing (of course i can also see the bad side). i use to kid myself that given time, i may find something i dislike about him so much that will put me off him, so far, it hasn't happen and what if it doesn't happen? i have learnt to stop thinking like that already.

i just want to leave it all to Him and I pray that God will leave all doors open if it's His will. only time will tell.

the schedule for this coming week:
- i need to find the time to run. getting too fat. been drinking way too much beer and eating way too much chips. (1 pint + 1 bottle on sunday alone)
- let the ilecture/cramming onslaught begin, J and i to do all nighters. i think.
- tuesday: driving. i have the dodgiest reverse parking judgment.
- wednesday: meeting donna to discuss wedding invitations! yes, my wedding. haha, very funny.
- thursday: young adults fellowship
- friday: agape fellowship
- saturday: if all goes well, a chocolate fondue party at my house.

been so busy. mid semester results were bitter sweet. i expected to poop out on international trade. after all, i didn't finish the paper. i expected good grades for banking theory and practice. after all, i devoted all my time to cramming for that paper. this is what happens when you have 2 papers in the same day. in the end, i did better than expected for IT and worse than expected for BTP. i really don't know why. regardless, both of them i managed to scrap decent grades. i am not one who is settled for average grades but seriously, what can i expect with 2 exams on the same day and a major research paper due the next?

procastinators cannot be whiners.

been looking at my backlog of readings and lectures and i have been thinking, how the crap am i gonna catch up? this calls for drastic action - some serious mugging. the exams are fast approaching and all i can think about is.... weddings. haha. you heard that right. normah's wedding, donna's wedding. such pretty affairs. got to decide what to wear, and assist them in their wedding planner. thats right, i'm the wedding planner. but didn't say wedding planners never get married themselves? drats.

i know i am rambling again. allow me to. i didn't come home last night at all. i was in uni from 11pm to 9am. J had an assignment due on monday but he decided to submit it a day late. i think it's partly my fault but i dont think he'll hear of it. i had a mooncake festival gathering at my place on saturday and for him to make it, he give his paper-writing a miss. in the end, he is late in his submission. so anywho. he had to write his paper so i went with him to uni to accompany him. so he wrote his paper, i did my work from time to time, dozing off here and there. he manage to finish his paper before the 9am deadline. phew. poor boy. he was exhausted. we went to matilda bay to sit and enjoy the morning air (7am) and he promptly fell asleep.

things have been ok between us. we continue mucking arnd and hanging out. i'm really threading on thin ice here but oh well. like he said, everything is about risks. so here's the risk i am taking by hanging out excessively with him. it's like an addiction and i think most people reading this will know what i mean. when you're with someone you're comfy arnd and just get along so well with, you just wanna see them more and more and hang out with them more and more. so thats the case with us i guess. we do stay quite clear of each other when we're in church or around church people... just to avoid... umm, gossip. haha.

on saturday, i think ling was quick to spot that he was the only non-YA person in attendance of my mooncake gathering thing. tina and i could see her "thinking bubbles" popping up. but thank goodness, no one really asked why he was here. he brought beer because he and i were suppose to scull but we decided that it will just be way too dodgy in front of everyone else, so we just participated in social drinking with the group. didn't really talk much to each other. not more than with any people anyways. but it's all good i guess.

you know. the list of similarities between him and i just go on and on and on. neverending. its just amazing. he loves the same food as i do (steam fish is the way to go!), does not like corona beer, study math the same way as i do (by looking at the answers and working backwards), loves sitting in the sun chatting and loves to eat just the plain mooncakes, all exactly like me. but so far we have avoided wearing the same colours which is a good thing too. haha. he's the only church friend that i hang out with in uni. heaps, for that matter too.

when i think about how crap ass uni is, he gives me something to smile about.