seem to be reverting to the alcoholic i once was.
thursday was good. i took the night off, gave YA cell a miss. was taking J to this yuppie cafe/bar kinda place where this band plays really good live jazz. J loves jazz. he's one of the few guys i know that loves it as much as i do and i knew he will appreciate such a place, its ambience and music.
he scrubbed up really well. he rang my doorbell promptly @ 9, dressed in a yuppie shirt, black slacks, with his hair all done and a faint hugo boss scent linger. i was mesmorized. i, on the other hand, was in a simple green and white striped dress with a bow at the back. we started walking. we decided not to drive there because we intended to drink. forgetful me forgot to book a table and we were stuck at the bar. had the best long island tea ever. we shared a chocolate pizza, the cafe's signature dessert. we finally managed to get a table where the band was playing. he was enthralled by them, i was enchanted. we each got a hoegaarden (the best beer in the world) and just sat there in companionable silence, enjoying the live jazz. we then further pressed on with a little creatures pale ale and another long island tea. by the end of the night, we were surprisingly sober but nevertheless professing our undying love... no, not for each other. he for the bassist and me for the keyboardist of the band.
we made our way back, walking, mucking around. when we got back, i kept him indoors for 20 mins or so to make sure he was entirely sober before sending him off on his way. i really enjoyed myself that night. the band. the drinks. him.
although i only managed to sneak into bed by 2.30am, i was up by 6am to get ready for the kids event, narnia day where i was a volunteer leader. imagine 160 kids - 10 under my charge. 9 girls and a boy, 3 clinging to my leg screaming "rachel rachel rachel". bending, squatting, kneeing, running around catching/finding kids, head to toe in black tattoo paint. from 8am till 4pm. only God knows how i managed to sustain so long. immediately after that, i had to get ready for worship leading at cell. i only got home past midnight. thoroughly exhausted.
spent the entirely saturday bumming. J was getting a new mobile phone on saturday (and it comes with a free xbox 360. far out! i am jealous) and because of that, we stopped texting on friday arvo. i didn't realise, until then, how terrible it was. i missed him horribly but of course i cldn't bring myself to admit it to anyone. till now, here on my blog. i was so sad, so sad. but he finally texted me on saturday arnd 5ish with his new mobile. really cheered me up.
its also sad how like we just don't talk at church. partly for his sake, given how popular and sought after by girls he is at church, i don't want anyone to have like the wrong idea. the other part, i also dont know the reason why we don't talk. i feel like i am going against all the 'rules' that i have set for myself, even though rules are meant to be broken. markie trusts his guts 110% and says i should too. the gut is telling me to travel against the flow, defy thats left that hasn't been defied, challenging me to put myself out there.
but markk, i just can't be like you in that sense. i am scared. once bitten, twice shy. T burnt me real bad. and though it's over between T and i, as in i am over him, but the scar remains, the memories of the pain jolts my spine. i don't wanna put myself out there, where i give J the power to break me. yes, life is about taking risks, stepping out, knowing where you stand. but sometimes, temporal ignorance is bliss. being hazy about where i stand in mr ladies' man's eyes could be a good thing (of course i can also see the bad side). i use to kid myself that given time, i may find something i dislike about him so much that will put me off him, so far, it hasn't happen and what if it doesn't happen? i have learnt to stop thinking like that already.
i just want to leave it all to Him and I pray that God will leave all doors open if it's His will. only time will tell.
the schedule for this coming week:
- i need to find the time to run. getting too fat. been drinking way too much beer and eating way too much chips. (1 pint + 1 bottle on sunday alone)
- let the ilecture/cramming onslaught begin, J and i to do all nighters. i think.
- tuesday: driving. i have the dodgiest reverse parking judgment.
- wednesday: meeting donna to discuss wedding invitations! yes, my wedding. haha, very funny.
- thursday: young adults fellowship
- friday: agape fellowship
- saturday: if all goes well, a chocolate fondue party at my house.
thursday was good. i took the night off, gave YA cell a miss. was taking J to this yuppie cafe/bar kinda place where this band plays really good live jazz. J loves jazz. he's one of the few guys i know that loves it as much as i do and i knew he will appreciate such a place, its ambience and music.
he scrubbed up really well. he rang my doorbell promptly @ 9, dressed in a yuppie shirt, black slacks, with his hair all done and a faint hugo boss scent linger. i was mesmorized. i, on the other hand, was in a simple green and white striped dress with a bow at the back. we started walking. we decided not to drive there because we intended to drink. forgetful me forgot to book a table and we were stuck at the bar. had the best long island tea ever. we shared a chocolate pizza, the cafe's signature dessert. we finally managed to get a table where the band was playing. he was enthralled by them, i was enchanted. we each got a hoegaarden (the best beer in the world) and just sat there in companionable silence, enjoying the live jazz. we then further pressed on with a little creatures pale ale and another long island tea. by the end of the night, we were surprisingly sober but nevertheless professing our undying love... no, not for each other. he for the bassist and me for the keyboardist of the band.
we made our way back, walking, mucking around. when we got back, i kept him indoors for 20 mins or so to make sure he was entirely sober before sending him off on his way. i really enjoyed myself that night. the band. the drinks. him.
although i only managed to sneak into bed by 2.30am, i was up by 6am to get ready for the kids event, narnia day where i was a volunteer leader. imagine 160 kids - 10 under my charge. 9 girls and a boy, 3 clinging to my leg screaming "rachel rachel rachel". bending, squatting, kneeing, running around catching/finding kids, head to toe in black tattoo paint. from 8am till 4pm. only God knows how i managed to sustain so long. immediately after that, i had to get ready for worship leading at cell. i only got home past midnight. thoroughly exhausted.
spent the entirely saturday bumming. J was getting a new mobile phone on saturday (and it comes with a free xbox 360. far out! i am jealous) and because of that, we stopped texting on friday arvo. i didn't realise, until then, how terrible it was. i missed him horribly but of course i cldn't bring myself to admit it to anyone. till now, here on my blog. i was so sad, so sad. but he finally texted me on saturday arnd 5ish with his new mobile. really cheered me up.
its also sad how like we just don't talk at church. partly for his sake, given how popular and sought after by girls he is at church, i don't want anyone to have like the wrong idea. the other part, i also dont know the reason why we don't talk. i feel like i am going against all the 'rules' that i have set for myself, even though rules are meant to be broken. markie trusts his guts 110% and says i should too. the gut is telling me to travel against the flow, defy thats left that hasn't been defied, challenging me to put myself out there.
but markk, i just can't be like you in that sense. i am scared. once bitten, twice shy. T burnt me real bad. and though it's over between T and i, as in i am over him, but the scar remains, the memories of the pain jolts my spine. i don't wanna put myself out there, where i give J the power to break me. yes, life is about taking risks, stepping out, knowing where you stand. but sometimes, temporal ignorance is bliss. being hazy about where i stand in mr ladies' man's eyes could be a good thing (of course i can also see the bad side). i use to kid myself that given time, i may find something i dislike about him so much that will put me off him, so far, it hasn't happen and what if it doesn't happen? i have learnt to stop thinking like that already.
i just want to leave it all to Him and I pray that God will leave all doors open if it's His will. only time will tell.
the schedule for this coming week:
- i need to find the time to run. getting too fat. been drinking way too much beer and eating way too much chips. (1 pint + 1 bottle on sunday alone)
- let the ilecture/cramming onslaught begin, J and i to do all nighters. i think.
- tuesday: driving. i have the dodgiest reverse parking judgment.
- wednesday: meeting donna to discuss wedding invitations! yes, my wedding. haha, very funny.
- thursday: young adults fellowship
- friday: agape fellowship
- saturday: if all goes well, a chocolate fondue party at my house.
posted by princess rach at
2:13 AM
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