it's been awhile since i'd blogged a proper entry. think it's due to the exams... the exams are still ongoing, got a paper tmr in fact. don't ask me why i decided to blog. probably exam stress getting to me. been facing quite a bit of pressure with body image - man, this sounds so aussie idol with kate and her tuckshop lady arms, but yeah. i'd realised everyone lost so much weight since those SC days. before mimi retorts, shut up! you're doing ok alright? i know your weight is alittle like a yoyo but you've lost on the overall. i think with me, i'd been maintaining my chubby frame well, until this sem particularly. it's funny how i like to blame everything and everyone else around me but myself... but perhaps i'm reeling too much from the heartbreak last sem. i don't open up much to anyone arnd here over whats going on with me, the real me and not just the superficial me. mimi has been a great friend and so have the others arnd me, but perhaps i have placed too much emphasis on appearing as if i am well and truly over him. but perhaps not.

in a way, i know how markk feels but then again, i don't. unlike him, i never had the privilege of him being mine. so whilst markk has those happy memories, i lack any. therefore at night when i am alone in my room (it's been so different since joy left the house. the house now is... quiet and dead) i just eat away my sorrows. i think i sound like i need some dire help. maybe right now, i just need markk and g by my side. i realise despite what special friendship i have with mimi (she is still great), markk and g makes everything right. (sorry mimi) and i think the reason why is because G, esp, has been there since i was a little little girl... all the way up to now. and we have proven inseparable. he knows me better than i know myself and with him, i'm just me. the pretty, the ugly, the corrupted, the play-innocent, the smart, the dumb, whatever. and markk, what can i say about him? he's like the bro.... whom i never really quite had. i love my bro with all due respects, don't misunderstand me. its just that with markk, i am allowed to be vulnerable and scared. because he is such a formidable and protective figure in my life. with these 2 by my side, what more can go wrong in my life? i can wept all i want. for now, i can only count down to the number of days again when it will all seem right.

i think i have seem to digress from my original topic. so like i was saying, i feel all this pressure in regards to weight - my parents think i am too fat, my bro is ashamed of intro-ing me to his friends (coz i am too fat), even my grandparents think i am too fat (they asked me why i cannot be slim like my cousins, mich and cheryl). sometimes i use to laugh it off. but deep down inside, yeah, why ain't i thinner? i think this semester has spiralled alittle out of control - with me putting on more weight (i better not disclose how much weight) due to frequent eating and stress. i don't eat extremely unhealthy stuff like fried foods or something - i just eat more than the normal girl. it's almost like people arnd me tell me i shldn't eat so much and i do know its true, but is it right to conform to society?

i realise one thing i like about australia. 1stly. the clothes aren't as ah lian as singapore 'fashion' now. [got into a little debate over this with my mum - she thinks i shld buy more stuff from singapore but i think its way too ah lian] 2ndly, i can fit into the clothes better in aust. in singapore, i feel its so challenging to buy a pretty top, because a) it's too tight or b) i'm too big. both are the same prob - so as you can see, its tough. in aust, i wear a size 10, which is equals to a S in aust. (size 8 is XS, size 12 an M and so on). thats because the aussie population is overweight. mimi was saying before, she dares to wear sleeveless tops in aust but not in singapore and in some sense, i know what she means... its ok to be daring here, but not ok to be daring in singapore. people judge you for it. correction, people judge you for everything in singapore. its tiring. sometimes i wish it need not be the case. the pressure to be thin right now is getting to me. but i dont plan to conform. not now anyway. as long as i don't turn out to be casey donovan's size (aussie idol season 2 winner who is a size 20 i think). i realise you can be chubby and fit. its just how fit you can get. i wld like to think i am fitter than some of the thinner girls i know. so thats a good thing. for now, i'd just aim to keep my fitness in check - whatever else, will be will be. if i cannot find a boyfriend who loves me fats and all, then i'd be better off an old maid eh.