i'd never thought i'll be entering such a post with such wrath and fatigue all rolled into one. as some of you will know. these few days i had been lending a listening ear to a friend, C's problems. he was facing relationship problems with his partner and was greatly disturbed. nothing unusual, the nature of the problem - the partner needed some space, some time. so it got me started on offering advice. i never quite thought it was similar to my past relationship with jaks. but as i reflected and as advice poured out, i realise alot of the feelings inside me, i could relate it to his partner, in more ways than one. so back to the issue, C started calling me and chatting to me on msn and i was very tactful, though annoyed in regards to issue of possessiveness and being clingy to the extent of neglecting studies and in essence, life for that matter. however, i was determined to play it down.

however, as one should imagine, after a couple days of listening to the same issues and finding myself repeating the same advice over and over again, i snapped. i know mark wouldn't be too proud of me. he told me firm but gentle. i'm ashamed to admit i was pretty harsh today. but frankly, i did weigh it out before i typed it online. if i wanted to hit home to C, saying pretty words, words he wants to hear isn't gonna do it, i needed to be frank. in the same conversation. i called him contradictory and explained to him. i then called him childish. and finally i told him off: he wasn't just scared of something (in regards to his partner), he was scared of everything. so offline he went saying he was exhausted mentally and physically. attitude wise, i won't mince my words now. i find it disgusting. so you look for me for advice. finally i say something not so nice you go offline. you tell me you are exhausted mentally and physically, its 0230hrs, i know. BUT when you were in great distress, you didn't want to hang up the phone, persistent in wanting to talk to me AT THE EXPENSE OF MY F.PRESENTATION WHICH WAS ON THE NEXT DAY and the same scenario repeated in the arvo of my presentation to the extent i only caught 1hrs worth of sleep and NOW YOU TELL ME YOU ARE F.TIRED AND YOU F.DON'T WANNA HEAR IT AND GO OFFLINE?

this is what i call f.childish. i know, i contradict myself now. who am i to say when i am younger than you? when i haven't been around this world long enough? true. but as the events on the phone/msn unfolded, i really didn't know what to think of your mental age. sure, i regard you as my friend, indeed i do and i mean it. but mentality and attitude-wise, i really don't know what to think of you. you can call me a f.cynic in love or an emotionless being, but do you really think by telling him about 100 times 'you f.understand he needs space and thus is giving it to him' is really gonna do the trick? I DON'T F.THINK SO. spending time begging people for the password to a mutual friend's blog just because you think that friend is writing about your partner isn't giving him space. freaking out when someone tells your partner he thinks your partner should help you keep your emotions in check and then tellin your partner you are very f.controlled isn't either. am i a justified emotionless being because i think you're clingy too? i don't know about that. theres a really fine line between loving and smothering. i don't even know if i truly know and appreciate that distinction. afterall, i haven't got THAT much experience in this field. but it most certainly doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that you have f.crossed that boundary and that line. AND most importantly and immature-ly you think that the only way to undo it is to f.adopt the other extreme. if it doesn't solve the problem, i reckon it will kill you first.

i cannot believe i am still up at 3 a'm in the morning despite being severely sick while the culprit who evoked such anger in me is in bed because he is 'mentally and physically exhausted'. one more word. f.selfish. [thats two words now] i feel as though i have a bowling ball balancing atop my head and my skull is going to crack. my fever is climbing up steadily by the minute and my eyes are about to shut. this is getting nowhere. really. i didn't sacrifice work, time, sleep and health for this f.attitude.

you want advice. f.face it. you don't want. zip it. i don't want to play mean ass and be unappreciated. if i am prepared to play that role, f.live with it. meangirl out.