i don't know why i just can't get to sleep. maybe because of all the emotions and thinking i'd been doing. don't even know what i am feeling. a mix of sadness, frustration, loss, i don't know. i'd been fully aware of the repercussions of posting the previous post. it's not about gaining sympathy or what shit, but it's more like speaking up, for once. i knew it could do harm to my relationships with some people but i chose to value my need for speaking up more.

i don't know whats gonna be the outcome of it. i can very well lose the people i love most or everything can remain unchanged. i really don't know. to me, it looks 50-50. but anyhow. i've taken the gamble. i thought i'll feel much better speaking my mind but while i feel much better, a different set of worries arises. i've laid all my cards on the table and right now am feeling very vulnerable. i guess that's how it's gonna go huh. it's a trade-off. no one really wins but i may very well still turn out to be the very big-fat loser. no sashimi. no sentosa. no clubbing. no cartel. no shopping. no markk. no g. but whats said, i won't retract. i've got to tell myself. this is for me. the me who never says anything when pple think i am the bad guy. i just sit there like a woodblock and take it.

this is for me.