some people will know i had a falling out with a friend earlier this semester, let's call her Z. while some part of me wants to blog this, the other part of me doesn't want to. there's always two sides to a story and to only hear one side will be biased. but i'll try my best to tell it the way it is. should there be any inconsistencies, may someone pls correct me. so z and i had been friends for about three years. we met when i was still in singapore doing my o's, while she was just completing her a's. we had a common group of friends whom we hung out with and all of us got along together. when i enrolled in uwa, she was also a freshie, having taking a year off after the a's to work. so naturally, we got pretty tight in uni. however, in the midst of being tight, she had this habit of befriendly someone else and then going off to hang out with her new friend. so other than seeing her in class, i hardly talked to her. first, it was a.c, then m, then a.t. each time one of these people and her had some issues, she'll look for me. and when she makes a new friend, she runs off again. i didn't mind i guess. i just took it in my stride. i think that really started the whole problem was when both of us failed a unit and had to retake it. by this time, she knew my good friend, t. he also took the same unit as us. so we sat together for class, 4 times a week. i have to admit, it was on my part that i got really jealous that she and t got along very well because as you would know, i really liked t alot. when t and i had problems, she offered to play mediator. however, when she got too personally involved, i told her a few times that i dont think there's a need for mediator and asked if she could stay out. it didn't work that way, so i snapped. snapped big time. not my most jealous moment. we had a temporary falling out, in which i admited my fault. frankly, up to now, sometimes i wonder if she had stepped out, would i have really snapped? i concluded that i dont think so. i was angry that she chose to remain involved when it wasn't even about her. i know (and she had stressed) that she had good intentions and i trust that she had. but the good intentions led to being a hindrance.

So we decided to take the semester break to cool down. It was a perfect opportunity you can say. During which. She vented her anger on her boyfriend, who was trying to help us (because I’d ask him to help). But yeah. Things sorta worked out and we tried to get back to working out the friendship again, after all since we use to be tight. School started and things seemed to be better. But it all started when N’s dad passed away and N was in need of some care and affection. Being one of her closest friends arnd, I had to step up to the situation. Esp since I cared for her well-being and was so concerned. Uni is hard enough to begin with and to have all these crap coming upon anyone, it’s just overwhelming. So naturally, I started paying a lot of attention to N. in that period of time, Z broke up with her boyfriend and was feeling very crap about it. At that time, I felt sorry for her and spent time chatting with her and trying to console her. But in my mind, my priority was with the friend who just lost her dad. It was being biased or something but how I rank my priorities. In the meantime, Z and I talked on and off.

But I think its just suddenly I got thinking about how Z treated me when uni 1st began. When uni started in first year, initially we were tight. But when she got to know this friend A.C, I never did hear from her again. And when things between her and A.C had some issues, she came telling me what was going on. And because, truthfully, I don’t have that many friends in uni, just enough to get me by, so of course I will listen to her. Then when A.T came along, she was off with him. I hardly saw her in uni anymore. Most of the reason lies with me, I was missing a lot of class because I had a boyfriend then. But she never contacted me nor did I hear from her. And when A.T really broke her heart big time. I was back to listening to her on the phone for 3,4 hours a day about what happen. I have to make it clear, its not that I minded listening. Hell, she is my friend and I care for her wellbeing. I did not mind listening to her despite it taking up a lot of my time. but then when uni started this sem. It was back to the same old pattern. She had befriended these couple guys, and they were really close to her. And since then, she was disinterested in talking to me when I went over. Maybe she can say she was busy or something, I never did ask her I'll admit. But I hardly heard from her. She was forever meeting those 2 guys.

So I decided that it was a matter of time I had to bring this up. So one day, over the internet I told her really nicely (because I'd learnt from my lesson the previous time that it was uncool to blow up) how I felt. About being the spare tyre. And she lost it at me. She started accusing me of treating her badly over N and stuff. And I told her she cannot use N as an example coz right now N needs a lot of TLC. If she wants to correct me on this, she better do. But I remember specifically I was EXTREMELY CIVIL TO HER and told her we should settle this nicely. I remember my exact words “I’m not trying to find fault with you but I better say this before I can’t. I don’t wish to stir trouble and just want to make my thoughts known to you.” The last round, I was the bad guy for losing my temper so I was uber determined it wasn’t gonna happen again. But she just lost it and lost it and lost it. She accused me of making this difficult and stuff. So I told her before it got out of hand, lets end the convo and hope she reflects on it.

So that was it. The confrontation. i knew the 1st time I was hell uncool (even though I’d wish she could stay out of it when I told her to) so the 2nd time round, no way was I going to be the one who lost it. So it’s just like that for weeks. Frankly, I’m fine the way it is. During the exams, I started taking the initiative to msg her on msn just for civilized small chat. She was polite and civilized too but she never did start any convo, which is fine by me. Small steps is good.

So we’re both back in Singapore and we share common friends, those especially dear to my heart. Which is fine. But they wanna go for sashimi, something I love and do stuff together. I’ve given it a lot of thought. I do want to be fine with everything and forget what went on in perth because right now, she doesn’t seem like she minds. So let’s just say if I opt out of it, I seem like the bad person, the guilty party... but I’ve thought about it. All my life, I just take the blame for things gone wrong. I never ever stand up for myself. I just play the bad guy. And for once, I don’t know why. I don’t want to be the bad guy anymore. Keeping quiet is tiring. Like xing once said about me “you’re misunderstood”. I’m afraid so.

I admit fault on my part for the first round, but in the second time round, I truly don’t think I lost it there. I tried my very best, my absolute best to try resolve things and make my thoughts known to her as best I could, so that nothing remains bottled and so I won’t explode. I am also aware I caught her at a bad time, a bad time to tell her what I thought, which isn’t that good. But the attitude she gave me that round, I really don’t know. She says she was sick and tired of me treating her like a spare tyre. But she should in reality know the only other couple close friends I have are N and A while she has her biz clique. I sometimes don’t know what is going on. I really don’t.

Mark is so dear to me and I want to do the right thing for him this time round. Let’s all just hang out together nice and fine. But sometimes, I have kept quiet so long. And while I have been trying to get little snippets of convo from her over the few weeks, I don’t quite think she thought she lost it the last round. i.e. the bad guy is still me. But really. I don’t know. I’d apologized so many times to her over the 1st incident. Emotions were high over that one guy. Part of me wants some acknowledgement from her that she was in the wrong this time round. But part of me wants to put it all behind and just live with it. For the sake of harmony between everyone. I spent nights since I have been back thinking at night. Mark is so dear to me and she is dear to him. Why do I have to make things so difficult? But I don’t know. When xing told me I was misunderstood, suddenly I realized I just didn’t want to be misunderstood my whole life. That’s not about making other pple’s lives difficult, but it’s about doing something for myself once. I don’t know.

Sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s not about me isn’t it. It’s about others. I want to do this whole sashimi thing or anything for mark’s sake. Hell, she is dear to him, like he is so important to me. But I don’t know what’s holding me back. I really don’t. I wish I knew. Amidst all this chat I tell myself I’ll be ok, I’ll enjoy it. But playing the bad person when I knew I was not and then keeping quiet about it. It’s hard to get by. Maybe because I'd done enough of those crap and it’s about time I stand for what I feel. I don’t know. I just don't.

Someone please tell me what to do.