so today i was in a depressed mood. don't know why [actually i do know why but i don't want to elaborate further.] so binge i did. i ate and i ate and i ate. thought i'll go to the gym to work it off. when i was walking to the gym, i saw z. so i had one of those 10sec brainstorms: to say hi or not? i decided on the former. so since like the gym has these glass walls so that those treadmill-ers can look out, i stood in front of her and rapped the glass, much to the amusement and distraction of all the other fellow treadmill uncles and aunties. she was looking at her mp3 player. i rapped the window, waved, rapped it more, and waved harder. she hardly glanced up and there was not a response from her. this really annoyed me.

i went to the gym deciding that i'm just gonna do my thing. i'm not gonna fabricate what happen and lets just say for the rest of my gym stay, i just cldn't be bothered to say hi again. why bother when that was what she did? besides, it is NOT the first time. a similar incident happened on saturday when she ignored me till the point i was shouting at her then she reluctantly gave me monosyllable answers. as much as i would like to give her the benefit of the doubt that she is distracted, i truly don't think thats the case.

i think the whole incident, compounded by the incidents unveiled in yesterday's posts, really pushed me to the limit. i was controlling tears in the gym, i had no mood to do anything and i practically begged xing to take a cab down to keep me company. bless xing for she really did. she's a star (no pun intended). but the whole "gym" session ended up being one where i sat somewhere and mopped and controlled tears and talked to xing. i didn't even do anything. so when my parents ta baoed dinner, i was more than happy to wallop the whole packet and rummage the kitchen for more.

i hate the total effect that this whole z incident has on me. i hate fearing the worst, i hate doubting myself, i hate hating myself, i hate thinking day and night about it, i hate binging when i am upset, i hate those sleepless nights when i lay awake thinking/worrying and most importantly i hate losing the people i love most. i don't hate her but i hate what she is doing to me and its repercussions on my mental health. it's making me feel miserable. like i'm not worth anything at all.