i lose track of time so easily, esp during exams. its already saturday and there i was wondering if it was wednesday or thursday. gosh. out of my head. anyways. i went to the uni gym today. was really annoyed. firstly, you got to pay $10 to enter, then they have this strict time limit on all cadio equipment, 20 min on each equipment. and there were only like 3 treadmills? i almost died waiting. and when i did my jog, which i must proudly and surprisingly add that i jogged for the straight 20mins, i was attempting to cool down when this man came up to me and told me off to get off the machine. because he claimed the 20 minute limit imposed included cool-down time. apparently, that wasn't the case (because i went to ask the instructor). just because he is older he thinks he can push me around. attitudual. but on the overall, i am quite pleased with my jogging. because people who know me knows i have very badly worn out knees which cause me alot of pain and oh yes, i am pretty unfit so jogging is like argh! to me. hence, not bad rach!
after gym. mimi and i headed to the city, to see scottie. [haha, not really] for those who are wondering who's scottie, well, he's the guy that works at this smoothie/juice bar who is really friendly. he's not the typical HOT BUFF TAN kinda cute guy, but scottie certainly is very charming. he's tall, lanky, kinda arty with curly dark blonde hair. and he stays like a 10min walk from my ex-homestay! why didn't i know him then? *rach whines* i'll try post a picture up when i've got one of him. yeps.. mimi just had a paper, so we needed some destressing, after the horrors of yesterday [in my case]. bought this tee which is kinda cute, alittle goth but yeah, cute. oh, and managed to get a steal from sportsgirl. it's kinda like a black halter top. very versatile piece - simple day outings, clubbing, meet-the-parents, anything! from $60 bucks reduced to $20. sweet. its alittle small now... but i'm getting there.
you know, the last time i did one of those friendster questionaiires, one of the questions was about the last time i was being complemented. i frankly, i don't remember getting any, for as far back as i can remember [do note i have an extremely dodgy memory]. however, after reading markk's blog, i really cannot explain right now how i am feeling. its something that means alot to me. because all this while, i doubt my self-worth. yes, i have low self-esteem. i hardly look the part probably, but i do. i am a born thinker. i think too much for my own good and i know that. i always wonder am i good enough to be in a law school. good enough a daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend to my loved ones, and most recently, am i good enough for him? and in regards to the last question, no. i was never good enough for him, am never good enough for him and never will be good enough for him. however, i have come to realise you cannot be someone you are not just for the sake of being accepted or for "face". the chinese love their "face" [ai mien zi], but i tell myself, a front cannot be always put on show forever. it doesn't mean i stop trying to improve myself,i still try my very best to be the best daughter, sister, friend, bestfriend, girlfriend, student, Christian and whatever else i can be. even if the best means never being good enough. there's so much and so hard you can try. and if you cannot make the cut, you just can't. and i guess, to me, whats where i fall short.
of course it doesn't mean i won't stop trying to be the best i can be. but sometimes, you just can't try. for example. i don't think i am attractive enough. do i succumb to plastice surgery to improve on my looks? of course not. because i have to take pride in the woman that GOD made me out to be. in HIS eyes, i'm perfect. but not in many guys' eyes. i'm short, chubby (or rather, fat), bespectacled, small-eyed and i have cheek pouches, just like chipmunks, only half as cute. some things just don't change [perhaps other than weight issues] what do you do then? between me and you, i don't know. but whatever it is, i tell myself everyday [and am telling you now] that regardless, you just got to pick yourself up and when you walk, walk with your head up. no, i'm not asking you to be arrogant, but to appreciate the world as it is in all its glory and be proud of who you are. sure, why should you listen to someone who has just confessed that she has low self-esteem right? the thing is, i know i lack self-worth and yet i acknowledge the importance of being proud of who i am - it's an oxymoron and i am working towards improving that aspect. nobody's perfect and like everyone, i am far from being perfect. right now, i am still feeling the lows from the recent confessions about him, and perhaps i've hit a low. but this doesn't stop me from looking up to where i need to be and start taking the 1st painful steps to ascending the ladder. time heals all wounds, its just a matter of how long. and i think it will just a matter of time when i get there.
i really appreciate what you wrote markk bro, because no one has ever held me in such high regard ever. if there's one thing i hope for now, its that i can live up to that standard. i know there are times i will stumble and fall, but i hope i won't let you down.
after gym. mimi and i headed to the city, to see scottie. [haha, not really] for those who are wondering who's scottie, well, he's the guy that works at this smoothie/juice bar who is really friendly. he's not the typical HOT BUFF TAN kinda cute guy, but scottie certainly is very charming. he's tall, lanky, kinda arty with curly dark blonde hair. and he stays like a 10min walk from my ex-homestay! why didn't i know him then? *rach whines* i'll try post a picture up when i've got one of him. yeps.. mimi just had a paper, so we needed some destressing, after the horrors of yesterday [in my case]. bought this tee which is kinda cute, alittle goth but yeah, cute. oh, and managed to get a steal from sportsgirl. it's kinda like a black halter top. very versatile piece - simple day outings, clubbing, meet-the-parents, anything! from $60 bucks reduced to $20. sweet. its alittle small now... but i'm getting there.
you know, the last time i did one of those friendster questionaiires, one of the questions was about the last time i was being complemented. i frankly, i don't remember getting any, for as far back as i can remember [do note i have an extremely dodgy memory]. however, after reading markk's blog, i really cannot explain right now how i am feeling. its something that means alot to me. because all this while, i doubt my self-worth. yes, i have low self-esteem. i hardly look the part probably, but i do. i am a born thinker. i think too much for my own good and i know that. i always wonder am i good enough to be in a law school. good enough a daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend to my loved ones, and most recently, am i good enough for him? and in regards to the last question, no. i was never good enough for him, am never good enough for him and never will be good enough for him. however, i have come to realise you cannot be someone you are not just for the sake of being accepted or for "face". the chinese love their "face" [ai mien zi], but i tell myself, a front cannot be always put on show forever. it doesn't mean i stop trying to improve myself,i still try my very best to be the best daughter, sister, friend, bestfriend, girlfriend, student, Christian and whatever else i can be. even if the best means never being good enough. there's so much and so hard you can try. and if you cannot make the cut, you just can't. and i guess, to me, whats where i fall short.
of course it doesn't mean i won't stop trying to be the best i can be. but sometimes, you just can't try. for example. i don't think i am attractive enough. do i succumb to plastice surgery to improve on my looks? of course not. because i have to take pride in the woman that GOD made me out to be. in HIS eyes, i'm perfect. but not in many guys' eyes. i'm short, chubby (or rather, fat), bespectacled, small-eyed and i have cheek pouches, just like chipmunks, only half as cute. some things just don't change [perhaps other than weight issues] what do you do then? between me and you, i don't know. but whatever it is, i tell myself everyday [and am telling you now] that regardless, you just got to pick yourself up and when you walk, walk with your head up. no, i'm not asking you to be arrogant, but to appreciate the world as it is in all its glory and be proud of who you are. sure, why should you listen to someone who has just confessed that she has low self-esteem right? the thing is, i know i lack self-worth and yet i acknowledge the importance of being proud of who i am - it's an oxymoron and i am working towards improving that aspect. nobody's perfect and like everyone, i am far from being perfect. right now, i am still feeling the lows from the recent confessions about him, and perhaps i've hit a low. but this doesn't stop me from looking up to where i need to be and start taking the 1st painful steps to ascending the ladder. time heals all wounds, its just a matter of how long. and i think it will just a matter of time when i get there.
i really appreciate what you wrote markk bro, because no one has ever held me in such high regard ever. if there's one thing i hope for now, its that i can live up to that standard. i know there are times i will stumble and fall, but i hope i won't let you down.
posted by princess rach at
7:42 PM
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