yes yes. i am back in singapore. er... woohoo?

nono, i mean, yes i am definitely thankful to everyone who has made the effort to meet up with me and make sure my mind doesn't wander around. thank you so much, i am really really appreciative of it all. special mentions: G, queenin, jiayan, keita and mark. really love you guys so much.

things have been not looking too good since i came back. to begin with, i wasn't even looking forward to coming back. long story behind it which i will go into in a separate post. but even then, to come back to all the aunties gossipping about me behind my back "what happen to her, she got so fat" is seriously getting the shits to me. so what? yes i put on 5kg. so yes, i am fat. should it concern you? i'm not your freaking daughter so don't judge me.

i almost snapped back at one of them "i'm alcoholic so shut up". loads of truth in that statement. i wanted to tell my parents about it, because they have been giving me so much crap for being fat too. but i decided now is not the time, even though they knew i have been drinking. maybe just not anywhere as much as they had imagine.

anyways. i want to keep this post short. i am running a fever and a migrain right now. going to meet isaac, markk's other half, soon, to make my kebaya for norm's wedding. suddenly, i am not even feeling remotely enthu about it either anymore.

maybe i just lost my enthusiam in everything and anything completely.

now i realise what we are. despite being explosive chemistry, odds-defying, fyre-spreading, we're like hedgehogs.

the closer we get, the more we hurt each other.

we're a couple of hedgehogs. that are meant to be kept apart.

sorry guys that i seem to have disappeared off the face of the planet. the internet's been down at my place and i haven't been in uni since my last (and quite honestly disastrous) paper last wednesday. but again, one of my brief (not quite) update list.

1. as some of you must be wondering, yes i ought to be in singapore as of yesterday but no, i postponed my flight to the 25th due to unforeseen circumstances which i will not elaborate till later.
2. went out with T last monday (before my last paper). he bought me the prettiest pair of birkenstocks. a whopping AUD$125. it's so me. so pretty.
3. did i mention my last paper was a total..... joke?? i meant the answers i wrote.
4. lavina and i got so high and had so much fun on saturday night club hopping. the famous words from miss lavina tay will remain ingrained in my mind for years to come... "why are 3 minutes noodles called 3 minute noodles?", "holdddddd me. i fink i can't walk straight", me: "lavina, put the noodles in your mouth", her: "i am!!!" (looks at table which were surrounded by noodle strands". hahahaha, hilarious.
5. went out with T again yesterday. sometimes i don't know what is going on anymore. have i lost control of myself? all i know if i can't look back anymore. but it seems like history is repeating itself again. just.... not quite actively on my part.

like i said before. meeting jem was made me realise alot of things. i still might not have all the answers i am looking for, but i certainly know what i don't want. is jem what i want then? i don't know. he and i...... are no longer on talking terms. i don't know why. maybe he got serious with the other chick, maybe he found out about jaks, maybe he found out about this blog or all of the above, i don't know.

i've spent too many sleepless nights missing him. wishing the pain in my heart will disappear. i don't like having that dull ache in my heart every waking moment wondering where will it all go/end before i leave. i chide myself for postponining my flight but for whatever reason i postponed it for, everything seems to point to the fact that being in perth and knowing i could see him but can't is a stab to me. he scrubbed up so well on sunday. i almost forgot to breathe looking at him - the maroon shirt and that nicely done hair.

sometimes, i just don't know what to do with myself.

quick updates. don't think trusts went down too well either. Jem and i were in the same exam hall, which didn't help much either. reminded me of our 1st conversation ever, exactly a semester ago. when we both were doing our respective exams in the same hall, at the same time. it's just amazing how much things have changed.... in just one sem. peter creighton is one sly fox, throwing in one completely crapped up question that weren't covered in the syllabus (either that or i just wasn't 'in the zone' at all). if you're thinking "rach... it's just ONE silly question", well, think again. my exam comprises of only TWO questions and both of them collectively make up 75% of my total grade. *bangs head* why rachhh. why didn't you know the meaning of "trustees in bankruptcy? arghhhhh, i tell you why: because rach is a big fat dumbo. in all sense of the words.

friday night: tina's 'surprise' dinner which no longer was a surprise because some girl let slip the surprise. was super ticked with her and she ended up copping a lashing from me. nevertheless, the dinner went quite well, everyone had a good time socialising and i'd manage to have an awesome catch up with crys, my ex housemate whom i haven't seen or chatted to in ages. really good stuff.

right now am at lavina's crashing. been doing so for the past odd week or so. lavina is mimi's housemate whom i've gotten to know recently. very cool chick. a year younger than me, ex-VJ girl, doing 1st year biomed science. went shopping with her on saturday... we went mad!!! and now my bank account is sucked dry. :( boo. she's such a generous, hardworking and GOD-fearing girl, praise God for such a lady of God. =) we have so much fun gao-siao-ing. haha. right now she is sound asleep and i am sprawled out on her very dirty floor, or what's left of it that is not covered by her stuff, trying to get some work done.

international trade.... my final paper. i just have zero mood to study. technically, given the ridiculous amount of time i have been given to study for this single paper, i should be ace-ing it. but no..... i have been a) celebrating tina's bday, b) going mad shopping with lav, c) going drinking at the brewery after church on sunday and d) following tina to cut hair in the city today. am i terrible or am i terrible. sighs. i got to focus. meeting T to study tmr.

someone asked me, "how can you still treat T so well?" my answer: "once a soft spot, always a soft spot." you can never take that soft spot that i have for him away from me. crys agreed with me. she completely comprehends what i mean by that. the same goes for jem. no one can take away what i feel for him. it's not about not being over both of them or what. both are very special to me and both hold very dear places in my heart... and will always do. *sad smile* that's how it is. i don't quite remember anyone else significant in my "love life" so far that quite match up to these 2 fine guys. jem jem jem. why do things feel so right but yet it's so wrong?? bahh. let the thoughts burn.

for now, i feel like burning my texts.

[randomness]

1. property law II exam: 7 essays in 2 hours. let's say i only finished 4. go figure.
2. banking: theoy and prac exam: i failed banking math. 150 out of 175 marks is math. go figure.
3. J and i. totally bull. *shambles*
4. people spotting T and i all over, everywhere. nothing's going on. nothing will. we just lunched.
5. i am totally i love with paris hilton's skanky song "turn you on". total skank. i like.
6. witnessing a math orgyfest/gangbang of 15 very FUGLY singaporean guys in the math lab @ 2a.m is enough to scar me for life.
7. him and i again. we're going to be in the same exam hall for tomorrow's paper. he has human movement, i have trusts law. i already predict 'failure'. the exam hall. where it all happened one semester ago. time flies. we were strangers then.
8. i want to dirty dance to parish hilton's other song "turn it on" - the DJ Dans Hot 2 Trot remix.
9. did i mention i think i am going to fail tmr's paper?
10. hugging him feels so right but yet so wrong.
11. some freaky socially incompetent ex-RJC guy is stalking me in uni, harrassing me. my brother "doesn't like this shit coming from him one bit" (as directly quoted). thank God my brother knows him. i have someone watching my back.
12. eating too much. too fat. clothes don't fit. what do i expect? eat and sit/sleep the whole day.
13. i miss him. what's new? oh. i bought him apple/guava juice and he gave me a pear. yes. that's new.

the end is nigh. for this semester anyway.

property law II exam tmr. how screwed am i? let's just say...... 98.9%. only. banking theory and practice exam on tuesday. another 87%. only. trusts law on thursday? let's not even venture to unchartered territory.

we hardly talk now. i miss you for so many reasons. the full-of-nonsense hang outs, the egotistical, conceited, sarcasm-dripping, head-to-head interllectual verbal engagements we have, the all-day-long text messages that rally back and forth, your physical presence, the security you bring that i get just by standing/sitting next to you and most importantly, the fact you were mine. almost. just almost.

but i lost you to someone else, maybe someone who treats you better, loves you better/more. i don't know. i know i am worthy in God's eyes, but maybe just not worthy of your love or for you. so many questions but some answers, we'll never quite know them will we?

watching you from afar is heart-wrenching. it's being run down by a car, flattened by a container and just when you start walking away, crushed by 2 speedboats. it's like being so close, yet so far. i can almost touch you, but just not quite.

jiayan said something very encouraging to me last night, something along the lines of "if he is able to hurt you as much as he did, someone else will come along and hurt him as much as he did to you. similarly, there will be someone who will love you as much as you loved him". no jiayan, while i totally get what you mean, i don't quite wish for someone to hurt him like he did to me. it's not retribution. but yes, maybe, just only maybe, someone will love me as much as i quite loved him.

this is for you Jem. i am walking away from it all, as said earlier, knowing i'll never find someone quite like you. but as corrinne may penned in her song, fly away- "i love you, too much to make you stay, baby fly awayy."

i am going to walk away from it all, knowing i'll never find someone quite like you. turn around so you won't see me cry.

I see it in your eyes,
It's not the way I feel inside.
And I wonder why,
It has to be this way now.
And I don't know what's real,
Won't you tell me how u feel.
You can live your lies,
Everybody want to say goodbye

And I wonder why (why) I'm fallin'
And I wonder why I'm off the ground
Don't you ask me why?
I'm letting go of my head
Coz I'm fallin'

If you could only see,
All the tears that are fallin'.
And the answers that I need,
And everybody's tellin' me:
And I don't know what's real.
Won't you tell me how you feel?
You can live your lies,
Everybody wants to say goodbye

And I wonder why (why) I'm fallin'
And I wonder why I'm off the ground
Don't you ask me why?
I'm letting go of my head
Coz I'm fallin'

(Why I'm fallin'...I'm off the ground)

Coz I'm fallin'
Try to close my eyes
And I see you in my mind
And I wonder why You have to leave it all behind.
And I don't know what's real
Won't you tell me how you feel?
You can live your lies
Everybody wants to say goodbye

And I wonder why (why) I'm fallin'
And I wonder why I'm off the ground
Don't you ask me why?
I'm letting go of my head
Coz I'm fallin'

And I wonder why (why) I'm fallin'
And I wonder why I'm off the ground
Don't you ask me why?
I'm letting go of my head
Coz I'm fallin'

Why I'm fallin'
Why I'm fallin'
Why I'm fallin'
Why I'm fallin'
Why I'm fallin

lyrics: Fallin' by Candice Alley. how apt.