i spent the last night reflecting. have i really become that backless person? yesterday was certainly so schweet, seeking affections from mark. it might sound wrong i know, but you know, after being away so long from home, being alone most of the time in aust, coupled with the emotional rollercoaster ride i had and loss of t, it suddenly felt so good. like i needed the human touch. it sounds horribly pathetic, but i'm not gonna deny it, i miss that touch, and to come from my 'bro', it was, for a moment, comforting and enjoyable. hell, the many lonely nights in australia, when i lie awake thinking, all i prayed for was for markk and g to be by my side, not leave me, so everything will be alright. my prayers sorta seemed to be answered now and i should be glad. actually i am not than glad, i can't ask for more. but why do i feel so clingy and pathetic? i concluded that as much as i am use to being attached and like being attached, right now, i don't need a bf because i have them around. but perhaps its a good idea i had one so as to decrease my dependence on them? sighs. but i am happy the way i am. the void in my soul, my heart..... coming home has filled the emptiness. esp thanks to both markk and g.

when i was watching chicken little, resting my head on markk's shoulders or his on mine, with my leggs propped up on g, my heart danced arnd so joyiously. i wldn't do this to anyone. its because its them so i am who i am [i know putting my legs up on you, g, is not the best thing but its a compliment! BUT thank you for being so giving.]

you know, i can get use to havin them arnd. damn! if they both moved to perth to study and we all became housemates, i'll be the happiest girl in the world. but this makes leaving so much harder. despite the hiccups earlier in the week, i don't recall being so.... myself, in a long time. being so comfortable, so accepted, so loved. [no offence to mimi. i love you to bits too. i dont understand why its so hard to meet up now. boo. but i miss you heaps.] it's just emotionally detaching myself to the whole situation - will it help? as much as i despise myself for being such a spineless being, i yearned for it. those cold dark nights.... when i was alone in aust. those nights when i cried myself to sleep... i don't want mark to have to show me affections just because he has to, damn, i don't want to ruin any chances of him finding a partner... while walking on my own two feet seems like a better option, do i really want to? i don't know. i don't know.

loving is about giving. making sacrifices. if walking on my own and letting mark and g seek their own respective partners and happiness is more important, maybe i shld let them be. even though i may not have as blissful a weekend as with them, but hey, like i told both of them before, whatever makes them happy, makes me happy. what kills me is when they are unhappy, or even worse, unhappy with me. thats what kills. till then. i dont know anything now.