i don't even know why i am sad/depressed anymore. i lost sight of all the grievances i have. and so has xingg. sometimes i wonder if she understands what i feel. maybe not. cause she isn't me. i got disconnected offline yesterday with the thought maybe i need help. what help, i have no idea. maybe a bullet in my head.. some tweaking maybe... or just a flush to flush everything out?? i don't know. now i know why markk is sick and tired of everything. what's everything? "everything la" yes. that personal relation that i have with him is that strong. i went to bed telling myself, i'll be positive tmr. i'll be happy, or try to be at least.

i woke up energised and ready to go. given my class is at 9 and i quite quick at getting ready, waking up ay 7.40 is giving me ample time to gelek in my activities or to accommodate mishaps. but no, for the 5 time in the row, my male housemate hogged the bathroom for just under an hr. and i was late for class. people who know me in uni know i HATE to be late for class. i hate being punctual too. yes, i am one of those "kiasu" ones that are always early. but the only reason why i am early is because i dont like to rush rush rush and go to class dishelved, and then my state of mind wouldn't be right thereafter. today was even worst because my tutor warned us the week before that anyone who was late today will be barred from entering. so i spent the next hour sitting outside class. i was fuming.

prior to leaving the house, i put a really harsh nickname on my msn directing it at him, thinking i'll be home in the next 3,4 hours to change it. but unexpectedly, i ended up going to the city to buy some presents and then to kiasu's house to help her with her constitutional law paper. so by the time i got home arnd 4ish,5. needless to say my girl housemate saw it and thought it was for her. let's just say it ain't pretty. sighs. honestly how positive can it get? i'm downright miserable.

but anywho. my dinner date proceeded. we went to this italian restaurant and i swear the pple there are the best. the owner is uber hospitable and the pasta.. oooo, the pasta was absolutely awesome... and the desserts was just delightful. i cld have just orgased on the spot. we each had a carbonara penne and we ordered 3 desserts to share between the 2 of us. yes, we were greedy..... we had tiramisu (the cream was whipped to perfection), some nougat gelato thing (which was just acquired taste but nevertheless addictive) and the lemon merguine - which i swear is the best i ever had. the lemon merguine was just...... prepared to perfection. no words can describe it. but it was just orgasmic.

and the dinner came up to $24 per person. which is really worth it because given that tiamos and terrazza (cafes) charge about $24 per person for just a main course. we had main course and 3 desserts!!! it was brilliant. abit steep but since it's a once-in-a-blue-moon thing, why not. the dinner definitely upped my rotten mood abit.

then i attended joy's convo. she looked absolutely stunning with her hair pulled back. tears fell when i recalled how everything was once so smooth going in the house when she was around. how all of us got along together so well. how joy was being joy, in all sense of the word. it was truly an emotional convo for me. stood around, took photos and made small chats with everyone.

i had such a tiring, long day today and i still haven't started on my property assignment. sighs! doesn't mean i can pull it off once with my constitutional paper means i can get away a second time with last minute work. i don't wanna find out. sighs.

tell me, how can i be happier when no matter how i psych myself up, someone/something takes me down again. tell me. i'll give anything a go.