thats a crapload of posts within a day. but hell. i don't care. it's my damn blog. as mentioned in my previous post. today has been extremely painful indeed. all the lies. all the cover-ups. i'm tired of it all.
went to the gym today, after not hitting the gym for more than a week. my knee is still busted and yesterday's "collapse" of my right knee was a strong indication i just wasn't ready. but really, given the pain in my heart, nothing could challenge that. i went to the gym, did 30 minutes on the treadmill. killed my knee AGAIN. but really. i find that pain refreshing this time round. blurred out what i was feeling inside. i couldn't do anything else so i decided to sit in the sauna. turned it up to max. heat is good. pain is good. self-inflicted torture seemed like a good idea. while sitting in the sauna, i thought to myself "if i sat in here long enough, i'll be rotting by the time they find me, how nice." ironically, i just told xing 2 days ago no matter how unstable i am, suicide is never on my cards. well xing, i eat back my words. so there i was.... sitting in the sauna, already feeling the effects of maximum temperature and experiencing the initial stages of delirium. somehow. i dragged myself out. i thought, well, i'll be meeting mark to go out. that was 2.45.
he didn't turn up till 5ish. he wanted to hit the gym. by the time we left kep it was almost 7. what errands to run. i was really tired after many nights of insufficient sleep, really weak and hungry from not eating the entire day and i was just so hurt as xing will know. i felt like fainting really. we did my errands in silence. i waited almost 4 hrs to go for a short 2hrs outing. i really don't know what to say. he never did confirm anything nor cancel anything. how was i to know if it was on or off. so i waited. and i'm so tired of waiting. i use to spend all my free time waiting for t i didnt think i cld do it again. oh well. what do you know.
damn. i wish i'd sat in the sauna till i rotted. regrets. i told xing i am gonna get him the _______ regardless of superstition. if he walks out on the "relationship" [or a more apt word, siblingship], then well. that's just my luck isn't it. love is so powerful ain't it. if i'd to define love on the spot now, i'll say love is giving whoever the power to destroy you effortlessly. and i'd given love away to be destroyed.
trust no one. love no one. but yourself.
went to the gym today, after not hitting the gym for more than a week. my knee is still busted and yesterday's "collapse" of my right knee was a strong indication i just wasn't ready. but really, given the pain in my heart, nothing could challenge that. i went to the gym, did 30 minutes on the treadmill. killed my knee AGAIN. but really. i find that pain refreshing this time round. blurred out what i was feeling inside. i couldn't do anything else so i decided to sit in the sauna. turned it up to max. heat is good. pain is good. self-inflicted torture seemed like a good idea. while sitting in the sauna, i thought to myself "if i sat in here long enough, i'll be rotting by the time they find me, how nice." ironically, i just told xing 2 days ago no matter how unstable i am, suicide is never on my cards. well xing, i eat back my words. so there i was.... sitting in the sauna, already feeling the effects of maximum temperature and experiencing the initial stages of delirium. somehow. i dragged myself out. i thought, well, i'll be meeting mark to go out. that was 2.45.
he didn't turn up till 5ish. he wanted to hit the gym. by the time we left kep it was almost 7. what errands to run. i was really tired after many nights of insufficient sleep, really weak and hungry from not eating the entire day and i was just so hurt as xing will know. i felt like fainting really. we did my errands in silence. i waited almost 4 hrs to go for a short 2hrs outing. i really don't know what to say. he never did confirm anything nor cancel anything. how was i to know if it was on or off. so i waited. and i'm so tired of waiting. i use to spend all my free time waiting for t i didnt think i cld do it again. oh well. what do you know.
damn. i wish i'd sat in the sauna till i rotted. regrets. i told xing i am gonna get him the _______ regardless of superstition. if he walks out on the "relationship" [or a more apt word, siblingship], then well. that's just my luck isn't it. love is so powerful ain't it. if i'd to define love on the spot now, i'll say love is giving whoever the power to destroy you effortlessly. and i'd given love away to be destroyed.
trust no one. love no one. but yourself.
posted by princess rach at
11:16 PM
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