the laziness got the better of me and i decided to hold out updating for a while. yeahs, loads did happen in this couple weeks.

but whatever it is, i was reading yan's blog shortly before this and she spoke about self-reflection. and yes, when was the last time i reflected my own actions? i have taken some pretty drastic actions in the past month or so, which has never failingly mystified the few people who know what is going on. starting with the most obvious and publicly known decision of me moving in with nick. and i know, while so many people have never asked me, who the hell is nick? no one has really quite heard about him before right. he is popped out of nowhere.

and i have been particularly vague about it. the truth is, the truth will shock all. so perhaps, ignorance is bliss. i have never really lied about how i knew him or for how long or even how well i know him to begin with, just particularly vague. i reckon that vagueness is enough to start a whole string of unrecognisable change in me.

i do question myself alot nowadays. my (poor) decision making skills... my (lack of) judgment and even my own (in)sanity. consciously doing things i have never ever done before, allowing myself to succumb to change, change i never quite thought i'll embrace. [P.S don't go off jumping the gun, readers] but never quite once have i got much answers to what i am doing.

yes, i embarked on change with a strict code of what i expected (or did not expect) to get out of this whole thing. but girls being girls, since when it is ever easy to separate your emotions? well, i am trying/struggling. like what mark and jeff said, its about learning to 'protect yourself' and for me, i am just taking the baby steps of discovering what it takes to protect myself. we all need to reach that stage at some point in time, and now is my time.

if i chose to do what i did, i need to learn to deal with damage control, managing myself and not regretting whatever repercussions that my actions have incurred. so far, i have no regrets, but whether i am proud of myself and the chosen actions, i can't quite say i am. but i will live. its a trade off. enjoyment and grief. we all make decisions that gives us possible moments of enjoyment for which we may have to suffer later. the same goes for my situation.

boys will be boys. and i will let them be. insensitive, red blooded and indifferent.

but i promise myself i won't let this get to me for long. and bounce back. because thats what the new rach has set herself out to be. she will not harbour any expectations because it only hurts when they let you down. it fucking hurts.

honestly, i don't give a flying f what people are going to assume from this entry but all i know is if you guys care enough about me, don't judge me and talk to me to know where i am coming from. maybe then you'll understand. i don't expect you to agree with me. just understand and not judge base on some flimsy statements.