cheekymonkey ® :: everybody needs a bosom as a pillow.

2007-07-08T23:56:00.001+08:00

after all has been said a done. its time to move on.

the new blog's http://taintednarcotics.blogspot.com.

i have yet to do it up. but give me some time.

this will be the start of many more things to come.

2007-07-05T01:27:00.000+08:00

thank you for the advanced birthday present.

i believe, the first you have given me in our 7 years of "knowing" each other. this reply is long overdue. and i believe, this moment is definitely the apt time to reply.

for me, what burnt the most during this 7 years was carrying around the pain of being gossiped about/ostrasized. for something which was never meant to surface; for a childish spur of a moment err. i chose, at 14, to disappear. at that point in time, it seemed right, justified. maybe if i could do things differently again, i would do this differently. whatever it may be, disappearing didn't mean the pain lessened. no. it haunted me. in school, at night. and these years of being kept apart...... my mind always wandered back. all the what ifs.

finding you after 5 years, it was bittersweet. once burnt, twice shy. but 5 years on, i truly believed i was ready to have a friendship with you. i was hurt and scared. trust me, it wasn't just you. i was farking scared shitless. initially, as much as i didn't care what people thought/said, i definitely did not want to reopen another can of worms - generating more talk. now, i shld know better not to care what people see and talk about.

i believe i have let the past go. i don't know about you. its clear we both do not want to deal with more 'what ifs' and bear more regrets. we may be wary about each other, but we both know there is this invisible force holding us together. something we can't shake off or break off. so its for us to make the best of it. and try.

for one more day. "if you had the chance, just one chance, to go back and fix what you did wrong in life, would you take it? and if you did, would you be big enough to stand it?" yes i would, i would....

thank you for the 21st present.

2007-07-03T22:00:00.000+08:00

credit goes to: xing* for her brilliant effort on this invite.

2007-06-27T23:07:00.000+08:00

puss baby. i miss you so much.

2007-06-26T01:11:00.000+08:00

i don't think i have felt as much pain, hurt and disappointment as i did today. not since my best friend's death.

i don't think i have cried as hard as this before.

i don't wish to blog about the details. lest people accuse me of being attention seeking. apparently, its attention-seeking enough for me to say how sad i am. i cannot even be real.

up to this point in time, i thought my biggest disappointment was fucktard. once again, i have been proven wrong.

2007-06-23T00:57:00.000+08:00

exam debrief.

administrative law: considering i burnt 2 entire weeks looking at administrative law, the exam still went haywire. i couldn't correctly identify the various issues in the paper - improper purpose, irelevancy/relevancy, inflexible application of policy, behest.. all look the same to me.

corporations law: try cramming 428 pages worth of notes into one day. possible? no. but that's what i tried to do. but failed miserably. with some luck, i will clear this. barely. that's all i hope.

foundations of asian business: suppose to be idiot proof. all i had to do was memorise 4,500 words. but complacency got the better of me. i decided to start studying only 10 hours before hand. my brain decided to shut down. and now the joke is on me, the fool.

intellectual property: the weakest unit of the lot. had a mere 9hrs to study for this. couldn't finish studying. 2hr paper. spent the 1st 50 mins writing irrelevant issues only to realise so. struck off everyting and started from scratch. in the end, i did not answer 17 marks out of the 50 mark paper. go figure. hello intellectual property in 2008.

i am planning to do something drastic with this blog. sit tight, wait and see.

2007-06-17T19:40:00.000+08:00

gee. the innovative things law students put in their powerpoint presentations.

2007-06-17T11:18:00.000+08:00

i've tried and tried. but i can't let go.

i tell myself i need to move on in time. once i thought i had it all worked out. but what i would never expect is for you to use me and then hurt me in the most cruelest way ever.

stripped, broken and burnt. if only anyone can look inside my crushed heart and demented mind and tell me i am not paranoid and i'll be ok.

anyone. someone.

2007-06-16T22:13:00.001+08:00

i have the most awful dream last night. i don't even know how it happened. i woke up sick in the stomach. ready to puke.

i dreamt that fucktard had a girlfriend. this short-haired, fiesty little thing. he was wearing his olive green CK lycra tee and DKNY skinny leg jeans. she was in some tiny shorts and a tee. they were standing in front of me making out, with his hands in her shorts around her ass and hers in his front pocket.

she then grabbed his hand and led him to his room and shut the door in front of me. i remember i was just watching on blankly in this dream. somehow, the next scene in my dream was that i was at the mall, and i saw the both of them having a meal... somewhere along the way (its either i forgot what happened in the dream or it got fastforwarded) - i was looking on in her house as they were having sex. while in the 1st scenario when they were making out, i knew i was visible to them - like they cld see me but wanted to prove something to me. but in the scene where they were humping..... i had this sickening gut feeling i was dead. a ghost watching on.

and i got awoken abruptly. by fucktard coming into my room to get something. i find it so hard to face him. after all the abuse i suffered from him, the emotional, the psychologial and then the physical. now i am haunted by him in my dreams.

what do i have to do to wipe my memory clean. get into an automobile accident and lose my memory?

2007-06-14T20:30:00.000+08:00

thanks chun for the adorable, huggable puss you sent over all the way from singapore. he is kept close to me at all times all nights.

*disclaimer: spectacles, headphones and laptop not included.

2007-06-14T04:37:00.000+08:00

finally told fucktard off. puss has been sleeping with him every night. but these few nights, she has been creeping into my room. but he has always plucked her out and put her in his room. so tonight, he went to collect her from my room and i told him "just leave her be." he was like "but you don't like her disturbing you..." so i replied "yeah. coz i don't get much sleep. but if she doesn't back off, i'll just put her in the living room."

the pained look on his face was priceless. "huh..........." he whined. i looked at him firmly and said "oh please. she has as comfortable enough a life as possible. why do you wanna fucking spoil her even further." i stopped short of telling him that he called me a spoilt brat a few weeks ago.... i could have said very mean things and blown things up. but i bit my words back.

and there he is.... literally treating this puss like his life. i know cats are manja by default, but the way my puss lives, honestly, it's almost like she is idolised and she knows it. i don't see what is wrong with the puss living in the hall. is it cruelty to leave her sleeping in the hall with all the cushions and all? bloody hell.

2007-06-13T00:33:00.000+08:00

2 more sleeps to my administrative law paper.
6 more sleeps to my corporations law paper.
7 more sleeps to my asian business paper.
8 more sleeps to my intellectual property law paper.

how screwed am i for them? effed. completely. i have been pwned by uwa. -sob-

2007-06-09T22:15:00.000+08:00

you came over to my place to chill after your exams as promised. to collect the vanilla sponge cake with frosting that i had baked for you and several others.

somehow or another, our conversation strayed back to the past - my relationship with jaks, and then to my current situation and lastly to your future. where the next year will bring you to. and as i sat opposite you reliving those memories, stabs of pain shot up my chest. i remembered the times when we were so carefree, uni aside. how we will walk matilda bay. i thought back to the first time i actually met you, at matilda bay and hugged you real tight when i needed someone to talk to. oh, and how we dodged classes and grabbed pizza before heading to the riverside for lunch.

what about the times when you use to come to my house to do assignments and we end up talking rubbish and mucking around with my tablet laptop. remember i got so exasperated when teaching you microeconomics 1101, that idiot-proof unit you ended up failing? we laughed as we relieved those memories today. today, i also finally managed to get it off my chest - the guilt i'd been carrying around for breaking my promise to you. some 2,3 years ago.

i promised you whatever that had happened between jaks and i, i just wouldn't leave church. but i did. the moment i broke up with him, i stuck around for the remainder of the semester and then vanished. i am not one who makes promises and then breaks them. but i couldn't help it. it was just about plain awkwardness. but the blatant fact people talked, blamed, critisized, judged me and yet not having the guts to come up to me to deal with the issue with me. and so i felt hampered being just in that church. as if i was being smothered with a cushion, crushing my chest. and so i left.

you told me you understood. when i had left, you knew it was more than just about jaks. it had become me vs the congregation. and i was relieved. but something still nagged me. i just couldn't quite figure out. nevertheless, its good to have you back. i didn't realise it... but i have known you for 4 years. these 4 years have been such a revelation for me. of which you were a massive part of it. i stil remember finding out about you and her. i couldn't have just dug a hole in the ground, wept myself to half-death and buried myself in. so i left you alone with her. after all, what was i to say.... of all people you and her?!?!?! no, i didn't say anything and neither did you.

know what, my mentality as to all these things have changed. because ignorance is bliss. be it temporal or not. its just like with fucktard. not knowing beats all knowing hands down. i don't need to know. i just need you in my life. maybe not as a significant other. i have gotten over the days i've wept my eyes out, having to take sleeping pills at night to sleep. i just need you to be my calming sanity. i don't even know how i am going to handle your leaving next year..... i am horrible at goodbyes. i don't know when i will see you again or if i ever will see you again for the matter.

after you left, i was speaking to one of my friends online. i cannot quite remember what was being asked... but it had something to do with the guys in my entire love life who has/had a HUGE impact on me - and then i realised. it was you and jem. no one else. in very different ways, both of you have had a huge impact on me. even though it was never meant to be with the both of you. and despite the fact both you and jem gave me biggest pains in my heart, both of you have ever ill treated me. not once. you both loved me and treated me with the respect a girl could only ask for. you..... i remember wanting to hate you when you cradled me in your arms and drew me to your chest while i was weeping my lil lungs out, but i couldn't. because you were doing the right thing in the end. you knew you wouldn't live up to the lies that you could have possibly led me into.

and i thank you so much for it.

2007-06-09T00:16:00.000+08:00

puss looking @ fucktard's macbook in fascination. she must be jealous of all that webcamming he does with online sluts.

2007-06-04T00:27:00.000+08:00

quite a few people have been asking me "rach... what do you want for your birthday?" so i got thinking. being totally true to myself (that is, being shameless), at the risk of appearing like a prat to everyone, i'll just list/comment on the things/brands that i crave/need/want/spy. obviously, some things will appear over the top but its just being speaking out, like a normal blog entry and being totally bimbo. not so much the expectancy if receiving it, which is far from it.

the wears
1. obsessed with elle mcpherson intimates, CK underwear and pJs (not forgetting their models).
2. paul frank is your friend! their oh-so-cute tees, boxer shorts and pJs
3. country road - understated class, simple, quality.
4. there's something about ted baker, babydoll marcs and fcuk that i cannot quite put my finger too but they have pretty awesome wears.
5. ben sherman for her, abercrombie& fitch for everyday preppy wear

accessories
1. bags - oroton, country road, mimco, agnes b. and marc by marc jacobs.
2. jewellery - oh hell, who doesn't adore tiffany & co.? the more bling, the better. bring on the diamonds.
3. shoes - marc jacobs, kenneth cole, dolce and gabbana and ninewest. need i say more?
4. watch - i don't even own one. haha.
5. wallet - agnes b., salvadore ferragamo and oroton. oh agnes b. she's 63, she's coming to a party near you. she's agnes b.

techno-savvy
1. those white seinnheiser portable earphones/headphones are wicked. my puss shredded the last 3 pairs.
2. apple ipod nano in white. right now, i live in the dark ages.
3. any charity willing to donate a macbook to me?
4. that uber cool samsung SGH-u600. droolsome. i need you.
5. bose speakers. you know.. you vont it.

others
1. my obsession with aromatherapy oils. mmm peppermint by jurlique.
2. a tad too flowery but peony2 by stella mccartney makes every chick scent-sational.
3. just love mac's blaque eyeliner, mascara and eyeshadow. all things blaque.
4. gosh. bedsheets/duvet cover addiction. anything that prettifies my room.
5. lifetime supply of smirnoff vodka, hoegaarden beer and lil creatures pale ale. pretty please?
6. a very cute boyish boy for me please - must be mellow but slightly cheeky, articulate, family oriented, loves kids, wise spender, fairly domesticated and lastly, not a jerk like fucktard.

thats about it for now. hahaha. if i see or think anything else, part 2!!!! hahaha.

2007-05-31T23:18:00.000+08:00

did you know that jim davis, the creator of garfield, specifically made garfield orange as it is scientifically proven to be true that orange cats generally are overweight?

not to mention that garfield is older than me. his birthday is on the 19th of june, 1978. omg. that makes him older than mark too.

2007-05-30T17:51:00.000+08:00

so many thoughts running through my head. i feel the need to just flush it all out.

first and foremost, to the author of the previous post - i will reply to that post, in a separate post entirely. to clump everything that has happened between us... 7 years of skeletons buried in our closet.. with this post of trivial ramblings does you no justice at all.

now.... a few entries back, i actually posted up photos of my room which featured my pretty crutches. and i think i very well jinxed myself that moment by saying i hope i didnt need to use them very soon. because on monday, i found myself in a situation similar to that of st james power station, only that i was walking to uni when it happened. needless to say, i never made it to uni and spent the day in hosp. to cut the grandmother story short, i have the fugliest leg brace ever to support that dodgy knee. and i will have to go for orthopedic treatment/physiotherapy during my exams. this is pure shit. but what can i do, really. i should have shut up about the crutches in the first place. now my pits are sore and swollen once again.

this following segment is specially dedicated to all the people who think that i am smart. no guys, rachel is definitely far from being a genius. to substantiate my point: i failed my first ever law assignment. intellectual property. i score an abysmal 8.5 out of 20. i haven't seen my paper just yet, but the blow to me was massive. i have never ever ever failed a single paper in my entire life. i have always scrapped heaps of passes. but to fail?? now, i couldn't swallow that. even though i was so tired/burnt out after submitting 4 papers beforehand, this is no excuse! i shouldn't fail. :( this means my intellectual property assessment mark to date is a shameful 57% percent. i need to pull huge numbers on the finals. which is not likely coz i have a paper barely 16 hours before. i just want to kick myself.

but thankfully, the trade off was worth it. i had a 50% essay that was due just before this intellectual property paper and i was freaking out big time on it. i dedicated almost ALL my time to this single research paper..... i ate, slept and breathed ADR (alternate dispute resolution) for almost 2 weeks. when i found out that i had failed IP, my heart dropped. if i didn't pass this ADR major essay, i would have just given up. completely. got my paper back today. i scored 78% - a distinction. 2 more % and i would have snagged my first ever law HD. well, it didn't happen but i won't be complaining. the trade off was paid off. whether it was worth it, that's another story. nothing can justify a failure i reckon.

now... awaiting my ABUS presentation + case study marks, corporations law mid semester exam grades and ADR presentation marks. if only i can pull through..............

2007-05-27T18:09:00.000+08:00

rachel
(thebookofopposites.blogspot.com)

once upon a time there was a 14 yr old boy.
one fine day he met a 14 yr old girl.
they fell in love.
one fine day, they fell out of love, and hated one another.

the girl probably din't know how much she changed his life.
how his life would never be the same again.

was he remorseful? probably.
was he hurt? definitely.

5 years down the road they met again..

was he happy? but of course yes.
was he wary? a little.
was he still feeling bitter? he would have lied if he said no.

2 yrs on..

the girl's in australia.
the boy's in singapore.

maybe the boy is afraid to be friends because he doesn't want to open his heart to her again
but i guess what the boy really wants.. is to apologise to the girl.

for everything.. for anything.. he had ever done to her.

to the girl who i met when there wasn't a place for her in my heart.

2007-05-26T16:05:00.000+08:00

i swear he is the most hilarious guy i am met. he is my most beloved gay white boy. but he is a member of A.S.I.A student organisation. he is white on the outside, yellow on the inside. frisky jaimee and him call me banana. we call him butternut pumpkin.

Michael says:
omg *cry*
rach ™ says:
whats wrong
Michael says:
father has one of his business associates over, this guy is like geek personified
Michael says:
*cry* he scares me so...
Michael says:
he is like "testing" our piano as i type!
rach ™ says:
omg.
rach ™ says:
that is scary.
Michael says:
*shudders* if i ever become like him, devoid of any fashion sense and being sociallably inept, promise me something? shoot me
Michael says:
like seriously, right inbetween the eyes.
Michael says:
put me out of my misery
rach ™ says:
hell yeah. gladly. with all my pleasure.

2007-05-25T17:09:00.000+08:00

rach ™ says:
omg

rach ™ says:
what kinda cat is that

[c.h.u.n.z.] :: Found nemo :: says:
umm... mutant?

[c.h.u.n.z.] :: Found nemo :: says:
it was reported in e news

[c.h.u.n.z.] :: Found nemo :: says:
a cat in china suddenly grew wings

[c.h.u.n.z.] :: Found nemo :: says:
reportedly got sexually harassed then it started to sprout wings

[c.h.u.n.z.] :: Found nemo :: says:
so now we know wat happens to horny animals...

rach ™ says:
what the hell.

rach ™ says:
hahahaha.

rach ™ says:
i wonder if my housemate will grow wings then.

rach ™ says:
tsk.

[c.h.u.n.z.] :: Found nemo :: says:
haha...

2007-05-25T14:48:00.000+08:00

my hideaway... my little haven. home away from home. this is long overdue.

my dresser/wardrobe. which was assembled from scratch by fucktard. note the wooden cube aromatheraphy burner i recently invested in. the best AUD$50 spent (excluding the oils)

double bed! 4 pillows, 1 boomerang cushion and a small neck rest (not in view). can it get any more plush. improvised my bedside table. it is actually just a velvet light brown storage box which i turned on the side to stand and put a night light in.

to the right of my bed is the built in wardrobe. thank God for a full length mirror. for hiao people like me.

taken from another angle - the doorway. so love my pretty crutches. the ribbons cost a crapload but thanks to xing for making it so pretty. hope i won't be needing it anytime soon.

just trying to show in some perspective what i see from one of the corners of my room.

eventually more photos will come up. they are long overdue aren't they. haha. tell me what you guys think about my room!!

2007-05-24T10:07:00.000+08:00

"t o p s y k r e t t s - divulge your dirty little secret!" oh come on, do you think your msn nickname is oh-so-cool. look who's talking. your dirty secrets i know of them. you probably know that i know about them now. but do you really think by treating me the way you do, you are justified?

walking to uni with your earphones firmly plugged into your ears even though i am walking along side you, thats downright fucking rude. but that's what you are right. i wouldn't even say 'who' because you are beyond human. you are cold-blooded, insensitive, rude, think you're all that. but what really..... its a facade. one big fat joke. i know you think the joke is on me. but no...... at least i haven't been untrue to who i am. whatever you may say about me. if i have unglam moments, so be it. if i am manja about something, thats just me being me. if i chose to do something downright shameful, i will admit to it.

but you? you just like to portray yourself as this uber hot, uber composed guy who has got it all. deep down inside, you bury your many dirty little secrets. you know, i am fine with you having your own secrets. i am. because look, everyone has their deep dark side. but for you to turn around and blame me, humiliate me, shame me and then act so high and mighty, that i cannot swallow. it's so hard to let it go. so hard.

every waking moment i struggle. i struggle between being civil to you as a housemate, struggle not to confront you about what a sick fuck you are and struggle to move on. i know, in time, i will be able to reach an equilibrium in balancing all these struggles but right now, its overwhelming me. sometimes i just want to pick up the phone and call someone and tell someone everything, but i can't. without the risk of being judged.

i am bursting to let it all out. to tell someone and GOD how sorry i am. but i can't. i have no outlet. i am ashamed yet i proud to face the consequences. because i made the decision, i am accountable. i won't blame you, nor blame anyone else. but everything has to be contained inside me. torturing me slowly but surely......

don't treat me the way you do anymore. please.

2007-05-20T11:27:00.000+08:00

you liar. you fucking liar.

you KNEW why you picked that very moment to wake me up in the middle of the night to pick a quarrel with me. it wasn't because i pissed you off, it wasn't because i did anything wrong. it was because right that very day, that very moment, you didn't need me anymore. you didn't need me anymore to feed for perversion.

so you did that single act of utmost cruelty to me on that very day. you turned on me.

i spent weeks, trying to comprehend everything that has happened. the emotional baggage, the sleep lost, the tears shed, the frustration, the suffering workload. i just couldn't understand. you blamed me for everything. you insulted me, humiliated me and claimed i am not worthy of any respect.

but you did this all to deflect the attention away from what a low lying scum you are. i tried to move on from it but something in me couldn't connect the dots, hence i couldn't let go. yes, i assumed all wrong, allowed you to blame me. but something never sat right in me. i knew there was more to it but i couldn't figure out what, because i had already let you get me down.

this whole week, i finally understood why you did what you did. i am sure you can remember the very day you woke up me, on the day of my exam, to start this whole thing. it's not because it's so fucking memorable. but because, it's the day we had our internet connected. i know everyone reading will be like "big deal". yes, i thought so too. everyone reading this has internet, so of course, to get internet you must connect it right? duh. doesn't take a scientist to work that out.

unknown to me, the internet is everything to you. to supplement your needs, or shall i say perversion. when we had no internet, you didn't really have a choice right. you didn't know where else to look for what you wanted. so whatever came along was good enough. but the moment we had internet, you just didn't settle for whatever came along. because she wasn't needed anymore. you used me, you sick fuck.

if i didn't accidentally stumble upon what you had on your computer screen that day when slapping on moisturizer.. if i hadn't seen the phone ringing while you were in the shower that day, i would have never known. never known what a hideous person you are. that you would stoop so low to do what you do AND then blame me for everything that went wrong and make me the scapegoat. worse still, to torture me weeks on end for it.

you are my biggest disappointment. you're inhuman.

2007-05-18T10:00:00.000+08:00

the smell of your skin lingers on me
and i will miss you like the desert misses the rain
but i got to get a move on my life
it's time to be a big girl now
and big girls don't cry.

please hold my hand if you want to
because i want to hold yours too.
we'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
the smell of your skin lingers on me.

2007-05-11T01:57:00.000+08:00

why the hell are you staying with me if you don't respect me? clearly, to you, i am overemotional and spoilt, i fail to understand you even though, according to you you are "not a hard nut to crack" and am blameworthy of everything that is going on now. then why, tell me why, are you staying with me?

evidently, i do not even meet your standards of how a person should be, as you have not hesitated to point that out to me. so what, i fall short of your respect. oh yes, and i clearly cannot give you what you require because i don't understand you. you know what, i am not even gonna try. why shld i bother if you don't care.

you are quick to diss me. don't even try and critisize me if you don't understand me. you think you have got me worked out. brilliant aren't you. you say you are the sort of person who gives his piece of mind. well guess what, i am that sort of person to. but there is a fine line in telling someone off and putting someone down. and you are quick to put me down. you make it seem like every single friend of yours has no fault and i am the only one who is at fault for everything. who falls short of your glory.

you have hurt me enough. mark was right. you won't respect me after it has been all said and done. don't try and act hero and said you are to blame coz you allowed it to happen. don't. it disgusts me. it takes two hands to make a decision and so don't try and say its your fault. don't make a wuss out of the puss. if you knew it was wrong from the start but chose to proceed, then live with the decision you have made. saying "i won't forgive myself for letting it happen" isn't going to make things any different or better. you lack the balls.

and. you say you hate it when people try to compare someone to your bestie coz no one ever can compare to her. you say she understands you completely and she is loved because she is who she is. what the fuck. who are you trying to kid. yourself? if she didn't look the way she did, i honestly think you wouldn't give a fuck. and you know that. if she looked like a fat cow, or like me as a matter of fact, you would have just dissed her right there and then. slammed her and treated her like she was worse than pus. come on... it's not JUST about how she relates to you. it's the fact she is pretty damn hot. don't act all deep on me.

don't. its ugly. and makes you look ugly.

telling other people off, putting over people down just to make you feel big and great.... it may have worked in my case. i make an easy scapegoat for everything that went wrong. but you know how karma works don't you.

it'll slap you right across the face. because you pretty damn deserve it. it doesn't take much for anything to be bigger than your dick.

2007-05-03T13:19:00.000+08:00

my foundations of asian business (ABUS) tutorial clique is my saving grace. i have never looked forward to tut as much as this because they are the most hilarious, bitchy bunch i have ever met.

i started this course without knowing anyone. come on, it's a friggin' 1st yr unit! but somehow or another, i met this 3 other crazyy people in the 1st week of tut and we're as tight as monkeys in crime. i swear our whole tut hate us. we have alot of weirdos in our tuts and we spend the time gossiping among ourselves, smirking at other people and mucking around with my computer.

there's the dutch exchange student chantal bune (the most serious one among the lot), underaged and a very gay white boy michael baxter, the next-in-line queen of bitches (after me of course) south african-born indian jaimee desai and of course, me. a typical tut day. e.g.

me (showing a photo of ash sitting on nick's lap): see? this is my cat.
jaimee: she's pretty. whats her name
?me: ash. but my housemate calls her pusspuss.
jaimee: what the fug is pusspuss?
michael: you have a male housemate?
me (shows photo of nick): yes
michael: omg, he's hot.
jaimee: hell yeah.
michael: so is he your boyfriend?
me: hell no.
jaimee: i know.... Friends with Benefits
me: you mean.. FUCK BUDDIES?
michael: oh yeah, he can be my Friend with Benefits anytime.
jaimee: so rach, he is your Friend with Benefit
me: ooooooh, you wicked witch. you might be right after all. or maybe not.
michael: someone has a Friend with Benefits!
me: mikie, you are way to young and definitely underage to be a participate of a R18 chat!

omg. they are crazyy. and this is just ONE of the MANY nonsensical moments we have had. they are frigging hilarious. gosh i love them.

2007-05-02T14:40:00.000+08:00

seems like mark isn't the only one with weird dreams.

last night, i had this really vivid dream that i was at a wedding rehearsal. to be exact, my own wedding rehearsal. intially, the face/identity of the groom was even unclear to me. but whatever it is, it was a pretty damn detailed. we were on this massive stage in a massive field, with the groom and i on stage. i was laughing and smiling. when i turned to face the field, i saw my parents standing below, proudly. as if it was the happiest day of my dad's entire life. he looked esctatic.

out of nowhere, this guy in a smartly dressed suit presented groom and i with a bottle filled with this orange shower gel with blue exfoliating beads (i told you it was vivid!) telling us it was compliment with the wedding rehearsal company [i have no idea what is a wedding researsal company] and told us to do 'other things' with it while winking at us. that is when my ex-boyfriend's face popped in, as that of the groom's.

it was that it was a rude jolt. and i was screaming inside "i do not want to marry this guy! he has no future!" the thoughts racing through my mind was that i didn't want to live a commoner's life and what will happen to my social status. i didn't want to lower my current living standards. there was no way i was going to marry him. in my dream, i run off the stage and was pacing on the grass up and down trying to cancel the wedding. thats when i was awoke. sat up abruptly and stared into the sky.

this is when it occurred to me, i cannot marry someone who does not have a bright future. and it finally dawned on me that i never really could have dated him. we were too different.

sue me, i am a superficial cow.

2007-05-01T18:37:00.000+08:00

fucktard's bao bei, puss, watching tv.

this is also our tv bench, which has never been featured before.

2007-04-30T11:20:00.000+08:00

don't tell me "despite all the rage, i am still just a rat trapped in a cage" you blame me for everything that went wrong, said i was the source of all problems and you are going to take a really long time to adjust.

you think its all about you huh. your happiness, your privacy, your space. well, the fucking world does not revolve entirely around you. your pretty face, is just a cover up for what an ugly soul you are. you think you are faultless.

people make mistakes, nick. just because you think you are in the right and others are wrong doesn't give you the authority to be condesending. you use condescending language upon me. what? on what grounds? that you're smarter than me (ri, rjc)? that you're handsome and i'm fat and pudgy? at least i know i am worth alot more on the inside than outside.

mark is right. your ego is bigger than your dick. damn. it doesn't take very much for your ego to be bigger anyway. you whinge about how you are so scared of going to the gym because everytime you go there, you get checked out by gays. you know what, you aren't all that. you give yourself more credit than you actually deserve. don't think you have it all ok because before you know it, what was given to you will be taken away.

i was blinded by your charm. sucked in by your boyish good looks and 'easy going nature'. yes, not very smart of me isn't it. but let me tell you something, naive and as unintelligent as i am, you aren't very much better. you think you're smart. frankly, your argumentative skills are substandard. you cannot even substantiate your points with evidence and you barely have any supportive structure.

for example when i questioned you if you liked the perfume i got for you as a belated birthday present. you said it was fine. i asked if you liked it or not coz i was worried its not your type of thing and if so, i'll change it. you shot back at me and said "what do you want me to say? i dont overreact to things i like or dislike". oh nick. don't you realise. telling someone you like or dislike something is totally different from overreaction. you can tell me you like it and thats a normal reaction. telling me you don't, is the same. overreaction is when you run around the house, with your arms flailing all around you screaming you love/hate it before dousing yourself or the cat in it. where is your sense of comparison?

rule no. 1, nick. when you wanna pick a bone with someone, you better have some damn good reason to. don't think you have the upper hand because of your looks, appearance of intelligence. because when you actually get into an argument, it suddenly becomes apparent how incompetent you really are. don't even talk about me. if you were pitted against jem, his sharp tongue will have squashed you like a prata in 5 minutes. so what if you were from ri, rjc and jem from some public school. wit is what is within you. and you, unfortunately, lack that gift.

you think that by adopting the harshest words that you will gain the upper hand. wrong. it just shows your insensitivity and your lack of maturity. yes, harsh words cut deep, they are still ringing in my ears. but what for? whatever you said was uncalled for. "there's a reason why my BESTIE is my BESTIE, my close friends are my close friends and the others, just friends. they know how to deal with my emotional side, they give me what i require, not what i seek". what do you seek nick. a blowjob?

thinking you are some poetic writer doesn't make you all that great. what the hell do you do it? you know why... i think its because you think its cool. calling your computer "tainted elf", your C: drive "the black box", you ipod "pandora's box", your msn nickname "karma killer"? why? all in the name of being cool and different. you try so hard to be different/cool. to think you will standout. well let me tell you, being different in a cool way comes from within. you should know. you watched happy feet yesterday. coolness stems from being 'accidentally cool'. being 'intentionally cool' doesn't earn you the respect of people who see through you.

yes, its true. we barely knew each other and jumped into it. i took a leap of faith, challenged myself to adjust and be a good housemate. i won't deny you all credit. you probably tried to. and you know, while it lasted, it was good. i wouldn't deny. it was pretty damn good when it lasted.

but don't go telling me you will wait for it to blow over and move on when you clearly want to remain at the 'torturing/tormenting me' phase. because it's no longer hurt i feel. i feel betrayed, vindicated and immense disappointment. in you. in myself.

as it goes, everything is good when its just for awhile, isn't it.

2007-04-27T10:19:00.000+08:00

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are passionate, romantic, and emotional.
You put love first in your life, even though you have often been disappointed by it.
You expect to be swept of your feet, and you never expect infatuation to die out.

Underneath it all, you are scared that you aren't lovable.
Your insecurity has ruined many relationships, as you are unable to see the love that's really there.
You are secretly afraid of being alone. Confronting your insecurities is incredibly painful.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

oh... you are quite right, quite right. not sure if the part about insecurity ruining many relationships is though...... but yes. i am insecure.

2007-04-26T12:27:00.000+08:00

please stop punishing me for some wrong i not know of.
my heart is brimming with unshed tears,
pain and hurt.
don't treat me like dirt and brush it off.
i am only human.

please.

2007-04-24T11:50:00.000+08:00

When he shall die
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garnish sun.

-Romeo and Juliet

2007-04-18T12:12:00.000+08:00

the manja princess. spoilt to the core.

stuck on top of our bookshelf and weighing out her options.

nick is absolutely smitten/melted by her. *jealousy rages* haha.

perfectly content on nick's leg.
___________________________

it feels like a family now.

2007-04-08T21:09:00.000+08:00

i am the last member of the 'royal family' to be doing this. i think i am lagging behind. must be the 2,000+ km separating us. i suspect i am a fusion of the 2 most important guys in my life.

6 weird things about me

i am a neat freak. only in perth. everything has a place and MUST be in its place. if you pick it up there, put it back where to pick it up. the key point to note here is: neat, not clean. you won't see me scrubbing the kitchen/bathroom everyday but i will be re-arranging things constantly.
i absolutely hate the feeling of wearing jeans. i don't like the thickness/stiffness of denim rubbing between my thighs (i have fat thighs) and the heat induced by wearing them. give me skirts, dresses and shorts anyday!
right now, i LOVE the WHITE and chocolate brown combo. my bedsheets are currently it. i cannot get enough of the colour WHITE. pure, simple but classic. oh, but i'll never get sick of red and black.
i cannot go to bed until i have showered first! same goes with my housie. we just cannot go to bed feeling dirty and grimy. no no no. this means even if i rock home high and tipsy, i will shower, even in my drunken stupour.
i sleep better with a bed partner than alone. most people i know takes ages, even years, to get use to the presence of another in bed but i sleep best when with another. doesn't mean i get to very often though...
i love quietness at home, having just 'me' time, doing stuff alone and chilling out. while on the outside, people know me as crazy, bubbly and havoc.

2007-04-04T23:10:00.000+08:00

study = no fail

no study = fail

study + no study = no fail + fail

study ~~(no + 1)~~ = fail ~~(no + 1)~~

therefore,

study = fail

(as seen vandalised on the library table) freaking hilarious.

2007-04-04T12:27:00.000+08:00

"what the fuck" is probably what everyone is thinking about after reading my previous entry. well, continue thinking so. well for bro, you will definitely get to hear about it from me. i need you more than you think. i don't know who quite else to turn to in perth who won't judge me. i have no one to get my back here.

nic, you know what i am talking about here. i am not some doormat or yours. not someone you can muck around with and chuck away when you're done. i use the analogy of a sex toy. when you want it, you go all out for it, pant and chase after it. after you're done and satisfied, you chuck it aside and don't give a crap.

you know, i know you have your mood swings. but which guy gets PMS-y weekly and each tandrum lasts for 3 days? sure i leave you alone. but when i ask you basic questions like "would you like dinner", don't treat me like i am transparent. don't punish me for something i don't even know i did. you become cold, aloof and untouchable. you ignore me completely for 3 days and pretend i just dont exist. but why? what do you expect to get out of it?

and as suddenly as you hardened, you thaw. you pick up as if nothing really happen. mucking around, affectionate. you expect me to pick up the same vibe, be on the same wavelength and be a doll. so far, i have. but you know what? you have hurt me more than you realise. you think you can come back and be all chummy with me. it doesn't work that way. as airhead as i am gonna sound (but brutually honest), if it wasn't for the fact you are remotely cute, i probably would have bitten off your head(s).

why do i tolerate your childish behaviour? i don't really know. because you're my housemate? because you are cute? screw it. you know you can never get away with it for long. it's just a matter of time i will snap. i am not your maid, nor your sex toy (analogy). i can't be cast aside and be called back at your whim and fancy to cater to your fanciful wants and needs. you call me spoilt. but who is the spoilt brat with everything designer. who chases anything in a skirt pretty and skinny. i don't care if you do more housework than me or you give me massages. it doesn't work this way. and if you think about it, it was me who did your first year law assignment.

so please, don't put me through some emotional torture shit. keep to the agreement we have. leave everything behind the moment we get out of bed.

"i don't wanna do this anymore. i don't even know the reason why. everytime you walk out that door, i see a piece of me die inside..."

2007-03-31T22:34:00.000+08:00

the laziness got the better of me and i decided to hold out updating for a while. yeahs, loads did happen in this couple weeks.

but whatever it is, i was reading yan's blog shortly before this and she spoke about self-reflection. and yes, when was the last time i reflected my own actions? i have taken some pretty drastic actions in the past month or so, which has never failingly mystified the few people who know what is going on. starting with the most obvious and publicly known decision of me moving in with nick. and i know, while so many people have never asked me, who the hell is nick? no one has really quite heard about him before right. he is popped out of nowhere.

and i have been particularly vague about it. the truth is, the truth will shock all. so perhaps, ignorance is bliss. i have never really lied about how i knew him or for how long or even how well i know him to begin with, just particularly vague. i reckon that vagueness is enough to start a whole string of unrecognisable change in me.

i do question myself alot nowadays. my (poor) decision making skills... my (lack of) judgment and even my own (in)sanity. consciously doing things i have never ever done before, allowing myself to succumb to change, change i never quite thought i'll embrace. [P.S don't go off jumping the gun, readers] but never quite once have i got much answers to what i am doing.

yes, i embarked on change with a strict code of what i expected (or did not expect) to get out of this whole thing. but girls being girls, since when it is ever easy to separate your emotions? well, i am trying/struggling. like what mark and jeff said, its about learning to 'protect yourself' and for me, i am just taking the baby steps of discovering what it takes to protect myself. we all need to reach that stage at some point in time, and now is my time.

if i chose to do what i did, i need to learn to deal with damage control, managing myself and not regretting whatever repercussions that my actions have incurred. so far, i have no regrets, but whether i am proud of myself and the chosen actions, i can't quite say i am. but i will live. its a trade off. enjoyment and grief. we all make decisions that gives us possible moments of enjoyment for which we may have to suffer later. the same goes for my situation.

boys will be boys. and i will let them be. insensitive, red blooded and indifferent.

but i promise myself i won't let this get to me for long. and bounce back. because thats what the new rach has set herself out to be. she will not harbour any expectations because it only hurts when they let you down. it fucking hurts.

honestly, i don't give a flying f what people are going to assume from this entry but all i know is if you guys care enough about me, don't judge me and talk to me to know where i am coming from. maybe then you'll understand. i don't expect you to agree with me. just understand and not judge base on some flimsy statements.

2007-03-20T22:27:00.000+09:00

you gave me such a fright on saturday, you know?!?!?

Virginie - Lips Of An Angel (Hinder cover)

2007-03-14T03:01:00.001+09:00

damn. i am considering becoming lesbo.

2007-03-14T02:10:00.000+09:00

my loveable housemate mucking around ikea with swedish meatballs.

2007-03-13T11:31:00.000+09:00

i feel like a newly wed without all the lovey dovey emotions.

the whole process of moving in with nick. i reckon the whole block of neighbours think we are married or something. not to mention we have broken our bank accounts to furnish the place. imagine. $4.5k in 3 days. can you beat that? its a nice lil "shag pad", as we call it. not that any shagging is done. photos will be posted up once the whole place is done up. it is in its final stages.

its so funny, how everything worked out. he is a neat freak - he's even neater than me! beat that. he loves to assemble the ikea furniture, helps me carry the heavy stuff, and well, i do the cooking and cleaning. this is getting interesting. functioning like we're married but we're not. plus away with all those stupid emotions.

but its been good fun. honestly. now that the chapter of jem has been finally closed, while the heart burns and aches which no one knows about, a new chapter has begun. no love interests, just focussing on my work and enjoying my lil shag pad. we all have to move on sometimes.... even if the pain of letting go is too hard to bear.

2007-03-08T10:30:00.000+09:00

linguistics1101: signs are used to convey messages to people. what do you think this represent?

psychology2210: differences in areas of touch between the genders and relations.

unlike my uber boring law lectures which are filled with words and more words, it seems like nick and jem are/were studying uber cool stuff. *grumbles*

2007-03-07T12:14:00.000+09:00

the secret snapshot of housie while we chilled @ gloriajeans.

2007-03-06T09:34:00.000+09:00

Alternate Dispute Resolution Journal Week 2 (the 1st of 6 entries)
Lin Rachel 10447301

_____________

ADR is the process by which an impartial person, who is not a judge, assists in resolving a dispute between two parties or more.

Honestly, who am I trying to kid by regurgitating the definition? I will be lying through my very bare (and coffee-stained yellow) teeth to say I know a fair bit of what alternate dispute resolution (ADR) is. The truth is, prior to our first introductory lecture on Wednesday, I have not quite got a clue what it is about. When I think of ADR, the only words I can muster up are ‘conciliation’, ‘mediation’, ‘negotiation’ and ‘out of court settlements’, which honestly, I am quite abashed to say it is not very much.

Yet, after sitting through the introductory lecture, it appears to me that ADR is fundamentally about those issues and processes. I know the next question you must be thinking is why on earth I am doing such a unit when I have not the faintest idea about what it is about. Well, the simple reason is that ADR happens to fit in my busy timetable and I figured that since it is not one of those freakily early or outlandishly late classes, I could very well attend it.

On a slightly more serious note, the term ADR intrigued me. It was not the usual administrative “law” or contract “law”, which I have always felt was rather intimidating. You know what they say about law students – those poor, poor students who slog their craps off. Call it cheap thrill, but the fact that I was doing a law unit which did not even have the word “law” in its title was quite appealing to me. Its title made it appear more student-friendly and slightly comforting to a stressed out and overworked fourth year student like me.

By the sound of it, I’ve always thought ADR is an avenue for me to further develop my mediation skills. Also given the one too many “crisis” that my friends face, I think I have become quite the Aunt Agony in that respect. However, I have not always been successful in remaining impartial or keeping tact in such situations, a weakness of mine. Hence, to be able to take those mediation skills to another and more serious level, would only serve to be an asset to my future working (and social) life.

I’ve always found litigation cumbersome and arduous. Patience has never been a virtue of mine, quite unfortunately. I like things settled right there without the wishy-washy whimsicality. Not to mention the exorbitant financial costs incurred (excellent for us lawyers-to-be but not quite the common man) by the claimant or potential defendant! Having survived law school for 3 years, I have seen my fair share of the silly case scenarios which I’ve personally felt could have been easily settled out of court.

Perhaps with ADR taking a more active role in settling disputes, law students will have fewer cases to read in the future!

______________

*note: whatever rubbish you have read are entirely and purely up for submission to be graded. God save my ass!

2007-03-06T09:30:00.000+09:00

i am required, as part of one of my law unit requirements, to keep a weekly journal on my thoughts on that particular unit in question, namely Alternate Dispute Resolution (ADR). so i thought that it would be quite interesting to publish those weekly journal entries on my blog, so perhaps you readers may some-what benefit from the nonsensical stuff i write on ADR.

enjoy!

2007-03-04T23:59:00.000+09:00

i've tried. so hard.

buti just can't let you go.

2007-02-28T10:35:00.000+09:00

i am officially homeless. and school has been crazy since day 1. i wonder how long will i last with my overload. i love crys. she is the most gracious person, despite our love-hate relationship. she has opened up her house to me to crash for as long as i need until i find a place. nevertheless, i will insist on a love gift when i leave, for the rent/amentities and food.

school has been like crazy-hectic. 4th year is like a wham!bam!slam! thing in your face. if i thought i was poor thing, wait till you see nick. nick has been a total sweet thing. he woke up @ 7am just to accompany me to class the whole day despite having no school himself yesterday. of course he was a buncha sour grapes but he was really sweet about it. i reckon crys has a lil something for him. hahaha. all she goes is.... "so cuteeee! soooo cute!!"

everyone thinks i am a paedophile. take one look at nick and think i am staying with some 17yr old. ok, i had to admit, he looks a crapload better in real life than in the photo i'd posted.. which makes him a whole lot cute. i have no romantic attraction to him but damn, the attraction we get walking together. it's worse than me and jem. hahaha. come to think of it, i haven't seen nor heard from jem since i returned. i tried to contact him but it went unanswered. sighs.

some things are just so weird. neither have i seen nor heard from terry. oh wells. one big messy thing which i am not gonna care about. it's good enough to have nick with me. he's a good guy. he has been carrying my stuff for me since i popped my knee. oh, haha, both of us are in black and white combis today.

so funny. he's my newest galfriend. he has a good sense of dressing too!

2007-02-23T04:48:00.000+09:00

flashback on the week!

1. chinese new year - ooooh, all the hakka food. all the teochew food. fooood.... now all that weight...

2. stjames powerhouse fabulous monday. i can't get enough of it baby. i swear i have never seen this many hot, desirable guys in my entire life. drool baby, drool. while we shouldn't sweat on petty things in life, i will never come close to petting any of these sweaty 'things' ever. unfortunately. [photos to be up soon]

3. in the midst of my glamorous podium dancing with my loveable ced, i popped my knee and tore a ligament. poor jeff - off he was with me to SGH A&E. now, i am everybody's favourite LAME fag hag on crutches.

4. i have the fugliest timetable anybody can have. i cannot believe i am assigned 5-7pm classes for corporation law! that bloody timeslot are for working mature age students. everybody else i know got their top choices. except me. screw this crap.

5. amidst my bitchfit, my housemate offered to sit in with me during those classes. if he had classes earlier in the day and is waiting for me before going home together, thats one thing. sweetest thing is that... he actually has no school on that day. awww, nick....

6. we. are. still. homeless. and honestly, i don't understand why because we have fairly forgiving budgets.

7. i never fail to have that feel-good feeling when i am out with my bro, like lunch with him @ raffles place today was just..... happiness. he's like my comfort pillow.

8. did i mention that i hate my spastic timetable? i can just cry. bloody 4th year. i already knew you were going to be a pain in my freaking ass.

9. i miss you jem. yes, i do. more than you'll ever know.

2007-02-20T13:51:00.000+09:00

doncha wish your housemate was hot like mine? *evil laugh*

2007-02-17T15:58:00.000+09:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

true for ceddy. true for mark. true for me.

2007-02-10T22:42:00.000+09:00

my best galfriend showed her relentles support for me at the airport. awwww. *hugs*

once again, the thorn among the roses.

the man responsible for my education and whom i am indebted to indefinitely.

2007-02-10T22:38:00.000+09:00

tina, monique, mark and i at louis' BIG THREE ZERO birthday dinner.

a lilttle alcohol never hurts anyone. dons is so cute!! joanna was red and definitely G.O.N.E while joce looks on in amusement.

the 2nd table. they are what makes my stay in australia so bearable!

our table!! i think i was a tad too tipsy by then... hey, the lobster noodle and champagne is a deadly combo. shoots you straight up to blissland!

the very 'beautiful' birthday boy, louis (as he describes himself) and the ice cream cake.

2007-02-10T22:20:00.000+09:00

crystal (my ex housemate), tina and i wanted to go for lobster noodle @ northbridge chinese restaurant tonight. however, we found out that it was fully booked for a wedding. when we popped our heads in, tina and i realise we knew the married couple! gull and cindy!

so we decided to popp over to anothe restaurant for snow crab noodle. the bill sent me into a fit when i went to settle it.

we saw.....
we ate.....
and we conquered!! *burp*

thank goodness it was worth every bloody cent (many cents that is...)

2007-02-08T15:03:00.000+09:00

been house hunting. totally exhausting. but i need to find a place by this weekend. it has been extremely discouraging too. places which fit our criteria are either taken or subject to restrictions. but i will get around it.

so hungry. have had fruit salad, peppermint tea and tina's scraps for brunch at DOME. going to the hospital cafe to grab some snacks soon.

remind me to post pictures taken at the airport and louis' 30th birthday dinner @ kardinya south ocean restaurant. i had abit too much to drink - 3 full glasses of champagne and 4 glasses of wine. all under 30 mins. mmmm.

2007-02-06T02:53:00.000+09:00

i feel terrible. honestly. partly because i am leaving singapore. yes, it's awfully sad to part with my family and my close friends. but the main reason why i feel like crappy poopoo is because i have been such a selfish bitchy bitch.

wallowing in self-pity has always been my weakness. and this time round, i just turned a blind eye to most things around me and endured my loneliness, sleepiness, overactive mind and pain thinking there isn't anyone else that i know of who is going through such level of troubles. childish i know. we all need to learn and for manja me, it's now. better late than never i guess. yes, it is indeed jeff and mark's wake up call which shook me up - to look around, count the blessings and take the first step of self-improvement.

just moments ago, i just learnt that there was someone else that i knew who was going through as much hurt, pain and suffering as i was. but that he didn't show it. i should have known. his msn nickname would have been a sad face or "down and out... but i will bounce back soon" or "what is love". but bitchy bitch me never took the initiative to ask. i knew he was going through half of what i was experiencing. yet, i never expected him to have even more and greater problems thrown in as well.

i asked him about it earlier and the simple reply "nope" affirmed my suspicions. he was down and out alright, like me. but as his msn nickname said he would "bounce back to what he was before" and be ok. he had such a mentality but yet i didn't. this reverts back to the previous post about life's lessons in coping/dealing with problems. our lives still go on regardless, like what mark said.

i feel ashamed. i was so blinded by everything, i failed to consider even those close to my heart. he and i share the same genes, we live across the hallway to another when i am back home. yet he doesn't hide behind his mask of problems. neither does he wear his emotions on his sleeve. maybe its a boy thing - something i really wanna believe in. despite it, there's no excuse for me. i am going to learn. and be someone jeff, mark and i myself can be proud of.

kor, i respect (and love) you.

2007-02-05T05:56:00.000+09:00

indeed the bitter truth is always the hardest pill to swallow. so people, esp friends, always end up beating around the mulberry bush before eventually getting to the point. i, for one, have always prided myself in being someone who tells it like it is. and to have very close friends who are as blunt as my nose can be a double edge sword. but i choose to see it as a blessing.

i am gonna share something really personal. although it may put me in an extremely negative light, i don't bother. blogs are not just meant to highlight how pretty, smart, capable or wonderful someone really is, but rather it is an insight to an individual's life, the good and the bad to give the writer a balance in personality.

today mark and jeff shared with me, individually, that they didn't like the way i was coping with my problems/grief. the overloading, the breakdown, the kaypo-ness of meddling with other people's problems and then burdening myself with it. the end result is me breaking down in the past year- the gambling, going missing, crying my eyes/lungs/heart out over some guy and the binge drinking. they were extremely worried about me and it pained them to see me like that. they want me to be happy, not to sweat on petty things (and i shouldn't pet sweaty things either. sidelined.).

both mean well and there is no anger at all on my part. if anything, it makes me treasure, respect and love them even more. i feel like sharing with everyone what mark shared with me (as he was more toned down) because i believe everyone can learn something from it. he committed alot of honesty and wisdom on life's lessons into the conversation (or lecture). i hope you don't mind, without me asking, bro.

------------
"whatever happens in life, life goes on. your whole world does not just stop there and then. when the tsnami came, it washed away everything. family, a house, a home, farms... a country. but there, life still goes on. you got to work and rebuild your life back. it is something that must be done, there is no compromise about it. businesses fail - but we still have to carry on. i can say, that there is nothing in this world that can happen, and we can say 'shucks it's checkmate for me' because this is something that we have been doing, nothing new. sure, it's hell tiring but no one ever said life was easy.

what your friends will do is help you along the way, someday they get tired too and hopefully you can piggyback them. but you cannot walk the distance for them. somewhat like i cannot sit the exams for you [like what my mum always use to say]. there will be people along the way to perk you up but at the end of the day, you got to go through it.

shit happens throughout life. when people die and pastors say "you should be comforted that the person is no longer suffering on earth", it is indeed very true.

you can put yourself in my shoes. someone gave you something you wished for. whether or not you want to disappoint the person or not, its up to you. but i make it my personal goal to be the best that i set myself to be. what i want, i will get. call me spoilt, but i achieve everything through my own efforts, blessed with the gifts and opportunities i am given along the way which are major bonuses.

we all have to balance, work hard and play hard. this makes life more meaningful. there are alot of things beyond our control but these are the ones, all the more, you MUST get past them. you like someone but he doesn't like you back, too bad. get over it. lousy job or lousy boss? you either work it out or find another job. life goes on.

don't let the little things along the way change your goals and plans. as some say (and i believe), these are little tests from God. take them as little thorns on the roses. you must NOT stray from your path still. when things overwhelm, get out, get away. when things neutralizes, then come back and face them. we cannot face everything all at once, we are only human. just go through one thing at a time and worry when we should. there is only one way to it. that way, we can get past our problems, learn and move on."
------------

truth in every word. mark and jeff - they are soft, yet firm. they love but they tell it like it is. they laugh with me but they share with me things that they have learnt the hard way. the joy, the tears, they have seen it all. respect is not freely given but earned. they have my utmost respect and love. their kindness and love for me, i can never repay. i am indebted to them a lifetime. i will not let you boys down, here is my promise.

*if you wonder why we brought up such a topic, continue wondering. you'll know why in due time.

2007-02-04T17:17:00.000+09:00

ced organised a 'farewell' dinner at his dad's restuarant for some good old cantonese food. it was wickedly awesome!! i cannot remember the name of the restaurant but the address is 96 amoy street!

the food was awesome but the company was even better. it's overwhelming to be around the people whom you love dearly and be treated so well. their kindness to me, i can never repay. thanks to yan, queenin, keita, isaac, mark, gerald and ced.

after dinner, we indulged in some cam whoring in this secluded park area thing. i cannot remember feeling this happy in a while and spending some quality time with mark.

special mentions to yan whom we manage to convince her to buy and wear a dress. i reckon that we all looked really pretty!! the photo is so girlish (just ignore the peace thingy)

mark reminds me of the laughing/smiling buddha when he sits on this wooden thingy. extremely endearing.

we then proceeded to mr teh tarik, under my request. i don't get teh tarik in perth. the only place that sells it, makanmakan @ vicpark puts a crapload of condense milk - insulin poisoning! in the end, everyone ordered milo dinosaur and i wanted one. :(

along the way, we got distracted by this lady who was making lil animal figurines. ced and gerald bought one each. the fascination of it all!

despite being not dressed for the occasion and not up for it, i relented in going to st james power house as i've never been there. i finally popped my powerhouse cherry!

again, thanks to ced for bringing the buncha us in for free. mark's mum and laopa came too. are they hiong or what! mark's mum has st james membership. thankfully, st james wasn't as disappointing as MOS or zouk. they played heapsa handbag songs, so even the gang enjoyed themselves tremendously!

yes, i love mark and gang. i dread leaving this place. to go back to being alone. it was truly a memorable day.

2007-02-03T14:11:00.000+09:00

been so self-absorbed and consumed with my own problems, which seem like they are neverendingly increasing. there's alot to rant about but there's also none to discuss about. some are just too personal, too destructive to blog about. it will change the way you look at me. i think i have enough self-pity to last my remaining lifetime, i need not collect more.

i've become an insomniac, too many things going round in my head, driving me insane, ever so gradually. so i decided to change my blogg skin. it is kinda 'me' but yet, i'm not like crazyy about it. it's rad but maybe a lil too young for me. however, since time wasn't of the essence, i just decided that burning time on trying to edit someone else's html code was rather worthwhile. credit goes to bananapancakes, who does happen to be my SC junior i realise.

my time in singapore is coming to an end. in a couple more days, i'll be leaving on a jet plane, fully aware that every circumstance around has changed. and as usual, powerless to do anything about it. i hate that feeling. i hate all the animosity in the air, the icy tension, the tandrums, the guilt i am made to feel for every slightest thing. i've done no wrong, i've hurt no one. why, as mark says, why does everyone treat me so meanly? am i unreasonable? i don't think so. sighs.

i don't wanna go back to perth. i don't want spend 3 weeks and chinese new year all by myself. i don't want to go back thinking what is gonna happen in singapore. will i still have a mum when i come back? i don't wanna worry about my life there, and the lives back here. i don't wanna worry about my overloading. i don't go insane trying to cope with the ridiculous workload.

all i want is peace, love and companionship. none of which i have right now. i want to thank my very close friends who have been here in my recent grief - xing, jeff, mark and queenin. i cannot express the gratitude, love and appreciation i have for you. thank you.

to avoid ending on an uttermost self-wallowing note, congrats to amy who has recently become 'mrs krokene' (did i spell that right?) see, not everyone's love life is as terok or non-existent as mine. and oh yes, in true blue rach fashion, she once again crushes on a boy who has boyfriends.

2007-01-21T23:03:00.000+09:00

Quiz Thingummyjig
(courtesy of elaine peanut darhhhling, i miss you!!)

1. What time did you get up this morning? 12.48pm.
2. Diamonds or pearls? diamonds! the more bling, the merrier.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? the painted veil, with ced. wicked!
4. What is your favorite TV show? house.
5. What did you have for breakfast? prawn mee soup with pork ribs and chin chow.
6. What is your middle name? *insert space*
7. What is your favorite cuisine? all types! (explains the size..)
8. What foods do you dislike? peas and corn.
9. Your favorite chip? chocolate chip?
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? hillsongs united.
11. What kind of car do you drive? nissan tiida 1.8L mars red sedan.
12. Favorite sandwich? smoked salmon and cream cheese.
13. What characteristics do you despise? backstabbing. plastics.
14. What are your favorite clothes? shorts, polos and dresses.
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation? around the world.
16. What color are your eyes? hazelnut brown.
17. Favorite brand of clothing? marc jacobs. hermes. loewe.
18. Where would you want to retire? here-ish.
19. Favorite time of day? bedtime.
20. Where were you born? singapore.
21. What is your favorite sport to watch? swimming. for the tight trunks.
24. Pepsi or Coke? neither.
25. Cats or dogs? both.
26. Are you a morning person or a night owl? owl.
27. Pedicure or manicure? both.
28. Do you prefer funny or mushy cards? fushy
29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone? i am becoming a brown cow.
30. What did you want to be when you were little? a nurse.
31. What do you have in your trunk right now? a dead body?
32. What is your best childhood memory? holidays to far away places.
33. What are all the different jobs you have had in your life? law intern. nurse.
34. What is your favorite holiday? christmas.
35. What is your favorite dessert? chocolate. cake. ice cream. TIRAMISU!
36. Favorite get away? beach. river. out in the country.
37. Ever been to Africa? no, but intend to.
38. Glasses or contacts? specs.
39. Ever been toilet papering? where you toss the wet toilet paper up on the ceiling - yes.
40. Been in a car accident? oh yes. don't remind me.
41. Favorite day of the week? fridays and saturdays.
42. Favorite restaurant? too many.
43. Favorite flower? no idea.
44. Favorite movies? a walk to remember. a very long engagement. the notebook. the painted veil. infernal affairs 1,2,3. hitch. deuce bigalo male gigalo.
45. Favorite past time? chilling over coffee.
46. Favorite ice cream? wildberries.
47. Favorite fast food restaurant? maccas.
48. How many times did you fail your drivers test? none.
49. From whom did you get your last email? vickie.
50. Sandals or tennis shoes? flip flops.
51. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? marc jacobs. tiffany&co.
52. If the speed limit is 60 what is the fastest you will drive? 70.
53. What is your bedtime? 3,4ish am.
54. Whose response to this are you most curious about? don li's.
55. Last person you went to dinner with? mum.
56. What are you listening to right now? zilch.
57. What is your favorite color? pink. red. orange. white. purple.
58. How many tattoos do you have? zero.
59. How many people are you sending this to? no one. do as you please.

2007-01-19T02:24:00.000+09:00

have had the most rubbishy, depressing, problem-plagued 2 weeks. i really don't wanna talk about it, it makes me weep. i am flat broke (something i've never ever experienced before in my entire life because i am so extremely careful with spending, saving and splurging) thanks to my recurring visiting friends from KL and kuching. i really dunno what to say about that.

i do not wish to elaborate any further on my pathetic state but i hope to save enough to buy the following things before i return down under:

- the m)phosis quilted thongs retailing @ $16.90
- maroon flowering fabric prints 2007 diary @ $30.90
- hillsong CDs from trumpet praise
- a spa package at anywhere, really. (beggars can't be chosers)

that's all i can think off for now.

2007-01-17T16:02:00.000+09:00

Mrs Logan asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

Little Rach in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."

Mrs Logan asked,"Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"

Little Rach said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it." The teacher fainted!

2007-01-07T00:46:00.000+09:00

my very large, black tits. virgin gerald seems a little stunned/shocked. poor boy. hahaha.

naughty ced seems a lil more use to the idea of kinkiness. yes, i am touching myself. hahaha.
when one cannot afford miracle bra, it doesn't hurt to seek a lil friendly help in adding an extra oooomph!

[right to left] xi, nu, ai, le. unfortunately, i reckon none of us really did a great job. maybe other than ced. who is doing that kawaii thing.

2007-01-06T03:48:00.000+09:00

girls' day in @ xing's place [05 01 06]! baking brownies and er.... putting face mask, we all looked pretty hideous! but it was great fun!

fancy 4th year law student decked out in gap kids merchandise. the white and pinkk jumper, the pink pokka dot trolley bag and all. some people never grow up!

2007-01-06T02:06:00.000+09:00

picasa hello has officially declared war with me. i cannot upload any recent photos of my (window) shopping escapades! we have some pretty wicked stuff.

yesterday was pretty fun. met up with ced to watch the queen. not impressive. you did get your daily dose of dry humour but the overall pace of the movie was rather slow.... it felt arduous following the movie. after that, we decided to hone our taitai skills and go label shopping!! it was fun fun fun! hello tod's, coach, gucci, louis vutton, fendi, christian dior, marc jacobs, charlotte atelier... valentino. i heart!! ced and i are such label whores!

we then adjourned to bakerzin @ paragon. the mains weren't too bad. the 'highlight' was our raspberry souffle. we ordered it because i really love raspberries and ced gave in to my cravings (thanks!). it did look pretty appealing when the wait staff 1st presented it to us. however, ced took a dig at it and we instantly caught a whiff of alcohol. now, wait a minute, i don't remember reading about the souffle containing alcohol. nevertheless, ced took a bite of it and went "rach... i think it has alcohol". i ate a mouthful and blardy hell, the alcohol shot straight to my brain. now, most people know me as the princess/taitai/auntie, but no one quite knows the baker in me. everyone appreciates the dash of alcohol in desserts - it enhances the overall flavour of the dessert, injecting a lil bitterness to the sweetness. but damn, this was more like a triple shot. i think they doused the mixture with alcohol man.

i approached the wait boy who confirmed that there was alcohol in the raspberry souffle. however, when i approached the 'team leader' to make a suggestion - that the description of the dessert in the menu should explicit state alcohol as an ingredient - he told us that the description did contain the word alcohol in another form. now, come on, we're not some cheena speaking teetoller who do not consume a drop of alcohol and don't understand simple english. we are practically alcoholics who know our english. there was nothing in the description that indicated alcohol mans! don't try to fool us. (*&^%$#@#$%^&*( and the wait boy gave us the wrong bill. he was pretty horrified when he realised his mistake and the expression on his face was almost quite very priceless. hahaha. ced and i are never returning back to bakerz@paragon. ced and i never fail to have fun together.

rach's bimbo moment @ 7-11 after our bakerz dinner:
ced (looking at mr softie sign with mr softie plastic spoon): it changes colour.
me: oh! does the spoon change colour or the ice cream?
cashier: the spoon lah.
*ced bursts out laughing. crap. so humiliating. how do i know right?? maybe mr softie adopted willy wonka technology.

-------
today was quite fun too, despite the fact that i caught some kinda viral flu and my nose was leaking green goo. met up with xing and caro after weeks and weeks. had awesome fun baking brownies and doing mask. i will so post the pictures once i figure out how to kill piscasa hello and reinstall it. we then headed to vivo for some pampering - foot bath, foot reflexology and express mani! i love the pamperings!!!!

then i met up with the boys, ced, gerald and keita and later on, queenin. more chilling @ starbucks PS. sometimes it can be a lil sian when we run out of things to say but cam whoring never fails to amuse us!!! hahaha.. and the hot choc @ starbucks is awesome! not to mention the green tea with choc chip! simply orgasmic!

i have been quite down for awhile now. but chatting with jem, even if it was for a brief 20 minutes, was good. made me grin like a cheshire cat. my funny boy. it hurts to be so close yet so far. it hurts to know we are like hedgehogs. it hurts to let go. it hurts to put on a facade, smile and pretend you are ok when you're not. but i will gladly go through the pain just for those brief moments of happiness.

GOD, please help me let go.

2007-01-04T01:09:00.000+09:00

sprinkles of randomness:

1. 2007. resolutions?
- to survive 4th year
- to protect my fragile heart
- eat less
- consume less alcohol
2. missing jem terribly. distance and lack of communication is taking its toll.
3. putting on too much weight. need to start losing it before i go back to perth. gym is currently non-existent in my life.
4. paragon/taka gucci and valentino have cute wait staff!! *drools*
5. current obsession: gap kids merchandise, agnes b., coach limited edition patchwork clutch, orange tote bags and accessories
6. i'm loving my samsung nv3 7.2mega pixel camera!
7. peppermint tea rawks my socks!
8. everybody loves joonhowe. hehe.

2007-01-01T05:27:00.001+09:00

yi yi setting the table for our christmas eve dinner. never fail to look forward to this intimate yearly affair.

2007-01-01T05:27:00.000+09:00

my funky and pretty aunt. she's awesome man. just as hiao as me. hahaha. (if you look closely, you can see the fats spilling out of my dress just under my right armpit. shucks.)

2007-01-01T05:25:00.000+09:00

part of the reason why i never seem to be losing weight but rather piling it back on..... the other part has to do with my liquid diet...

2007-01-01T05:24:00.000+09:00

my favourite-st cousin, wei. isn't he oh-so-cute!! thank God for him, our little angel.

2007-01-01T05:23:00.000+09:00

according to norm, she has nothing to lose because she is a tourist here... so posing for silly photos is part of the fun.. unfortunately, i have everything to lose... like, er, my reputation.

2007-01-01T05:22:00.000+09:00

broke my piggy bank shopping @ vivo. we never fail to find time to shop and to.. er.. cam whore.

2007-01-01T05:20:00.000+09:00

in her drunken stupor.

2007-01-01T05:19:00.000+09:00

my dearest ms tay showing us the perfect pout.

2007-01-01T05:18:00.000+09:00

mimi and i in the cab after sending a totally wiped out ms lavina tay. what a night of wasted cover charges. stupid pimple on my nose.

2007-01-01T05:17:00.000+09:00

sue me, for being such a cam whore. then again, i cannot beat mimi @ being narcissistic in front of the camera.

2007-01-01T05:16:00.000+09:00

zam, norm, myself and a chopped-off mimi outside my signature club, momo. unfortunately, it was a major let down.

2007-01-01T05:15:00.000+09:00

i can almost see my pit!! ewwwwwww, the top has to go, seriously. mimi and i cam-whoring in cheekys toilet. it is already [first jan zero seven] then!

2006-12-30T13:26:00.000+09:00

somehow or another i have lost the motivation to really type in this white rectangular box this hols. call it a packed social life or pure laziness, i have no idea.

this holidays have been quite mad. and surprising actually. people that i didn't expect to see so much - i met them heaps. people whom i thought we'll hang out heaps - i didn't. i guess xing and caro have ken and dan respectively, where will they have room for their single (and patheticly lonesome) friend? sighs. i always knew, i lose my girlfriends when they get boyfriends. and as the years roll in, no one has ever disproved me yet.

watching mythbusters on discovery channel now, feeling totally lethargic. i think it's because i haven't been to the gym in more than 2 weeks and been eating alot - the combination of excess food + lack of exercise leads to lethargy and obviously, weight gain. sighs. really need to do something about it before i go back to australia.

going to meet zam and norm @ sentosa later where they are staying at for a couple of nights. entertaining them while they are in singapore is costing deadly, as day 1 has proven. sighs. 3 more days to go. boohoo. have to get singapore prepaid numbers for them too (under their request). i am going cycling with zam today, and then there'll be shopping with norm and lastly some night entertainment which i have no idea what for now. i just realise st james power station has a party/function going on tonight. arghhs.

oh, jeff is returning back to singapore today. i am very excited. i miss him so much. he cares for me like no other (other than God). welcome home jeff.

2006-12-29T13:19:00.000+09:00

my latest craze.... by narcotic thrust - i like it.

I hate the treadmill everyday
I hate the mundane things they say
the boredom sets in 9 to 5
at night that's when i come alive

I long to be connected
I long to be affected
the bright lights beckon me
beckon me to you

[1st chours]
I like it when we go to extremes
I like it when you enter my dreams
I like it when i feel your touch
I like it.. I like it so much

There must be more to life than this
this life i surely will not miss
to spend my time waiting in line
in search for something the grand design

I long to be connected
I long to be affected
the bright lights beckon me
beckon me to you

[chours]
I like it when we go to extremes
I like it when you enter my dreams
I like it when i feel your touch
I like it.. I like it so much
I like it when we're one on one
I like it when we come undone
I like it when we go to extremes
you let me, let me live my dreams

oh oh oh

I long to be connected
I long to be affected
the bright lights beckon me
beckon me to you

[Repeat Chorus]

I like it so much
oh oh oh
I like it so much
oh oh oh
I like it so much
I like it, I like it so much
so much so much
I like it so much

2006-12-26T12:09:00.000+09:00

the 'chef' hard at work carving our roasted chicken.

2006-12-26T12:08:00.001+09:00

let's tuck into the food!

2006-12-26T12:08:00.000+09:00

i got a present!! yay!

2006-12-26T12:07:00.000+09:00

the princess adores and loves the prince to bitss!

2006-12-26T12:06:00.000+09:00

the divas!

2006-12-26T12:04:00.000+09:00

the peeps in white all looking suave.

2006-12-26T12:03:00.000+09:00

after a really filling dinner, its bedtime for us!

2006-12-26T12:02:00.000+09:00

us crazyy people, just only seems like i am the most hiao one in the group.

2006-12-22T01:48:00.000+09:00

my joonhowe addiction.

man. i can just eat you because you are walking sex. sex on legs. indeed, GOD's gift to women.

and right now, i am suffering withdrawal symptoms coz i can't get my daily dose of you.

2006-12-20T03:05:00.000+09:00

let's try reposting this photo. the aftermath of the wedding @ hatamas. [N.B. i made a mistake of uploading the earliest photos 1st so this is technically the end of my photos. so if you wish to view the phoeos chronologically, pls start from the bottom of the post, sorry!!!]

2006-12-20T02:55:00.001+09:00

ooo, the french braid of my hair which was all falling apart.

2006-12-20T02:55:00.000+09:00

one more for the road. an awesome wedding of my beloved normah and zam.

2006-12-20T02:54:00.000+09:00

lovely setting.

2006-12-20T02:53:00.001+09:00

norms with some pretty malaysian singer who performed at her wedding. awesome vocals.

2006-12-20T02:53:00.000+09:00

with norms outside the grand hall. how pretty is the flowers entrance.

2006-12-20T02:45:00.001+09:00

pretty noor and i.

2006-12-20T02:45:00.000+09:00

some of norm's childhood friends and i. really pretty setting.

2006-12-20T02:44:00.000+09:00

the guests have arrived but lousy me cldn't take clear shots.

2006-12-20T02:42:00.000+09:00

the malay priest praying for the newly wedded couple.

2006-12-20T02:40:00.000+09:00

the main stage from another angle

2006-12-20T02:39:00.000+09:00

absolutely breathtakingly stunning.