so tired of everything.

i reckon each time i blog. it's about what a pain in the ass my workload and uni is. i hate it. just thinking about it makes me cry. honestly. ask my course mates and they will tell you i have cried in uni 3 out of the 5 days in the past week. let's not even go into details.

let's talk about other things. like me putting on weight? like.. that's even more depressing.

had a really scary dream 2 nights ago. i tried to sms markie bro about it but apparently it didn't reach him. i dreamt that brobro was trying to find me or something and was calling out "meimei, where are you?" over and over again. and i was standing in front of him (or thats what i thought anyways) but he couldn't see nor hear me. i was screaming out to him that i was there.... but he just couldn't see nor hear me. then i realised i was dead and i just wanted to tell him how much i love him but i couldn't. it was heartbreaking.

markie bro said he didn't get my sms. but it's all good now. i spoke to him briefly on msn. he reassured me. oh man. i missed him heaps. GOD knows i think the world of him and jeffie. jeffie's preparing to leave for hanoi in late september for a job there. i won't be seeing him when i go back. gosh. i am gonna miss him heaps. he's like one half of the rock that props me up along with mark. the physical distance between him and i is just getting further. i am hoping to get a job at the end of the year, save up, visit him and return with him in time for CNY. that's what i hope for. we'll see how that goes.

i hope jeff finds happiness in hanoi. he doesn't know what lies ahead. well, neither do i. but we can only hope for the best right? i am hanging on for him. i hope he does like wise for me.

happened to see your smiling face in one of the photographs that our friend had posted up on friendster. that once familiar heartache shot through my body.

your smiling face....

some people reckon you and me are a hard duo to separate. yes, i have lost contact with everyone of the group whom you and i belong to. every single one of them. but you.... you disappeared and then reappeared in my life.

we act like any other couple in uni, smiling, laughing, having lunch... just looking at each other, enjoying each other's company. we muck around, i leaning on you, you with your hands on my back.... some people say we look more like a 'couple' than other couples in uni. problem is, we're not a couple.

the past between us remains buried over layers of masked happiness. sometimes i look into your eyes searching for answers, and i cannot help but think, how can you act as if nothing as happened? you seem to do a pretty darn good job of hiding the past, while i am struggling to keep it under wraps. i'm just not you. i'm not a clam. each time i meet you, i am so tempted to strangle out from you what you're thinking. what happened then? whats happening now? and where are we going from here?

i've always known you were with her but you've never mentioned it. maybe its because i've never asked.... sometimes ignorance is bliss. ok, maybe it's not complete ignorance because something deep down inside of me tells me i know you're with her. but i just don't need/want that confirmation. it was only 2 days ago.. when you let slip. you let slip that you were with her. man. i really didn't want that confirmation. unknown to my wildest imagination, it hurt me more than i'd ever thought it would. i settled into fitful sleep that night thinking.... how can i go on pretending i could bury the past? i just can't.

jeremy's a good guy. everyone knows that. but don't you see? jeremy's just a distraction. a distraction from what really hurts deep down inside. my motto "like that lor" just doesn't prove as effective as i thought it would.

not seeing you hurts. seeing you brings joy, then stings. bitter sweet. when will this end?

*disclaimer: jeremy's not some guy i'm with. he's just the eye candy everyone knows i am fond of. nothing more.

i know i haven't been online in ages hey. my apologies. completely flat out. moved out of my house @ fairway into an apartment in west perth. unpacked most of my stuff other than for my clothes. in addition, i bought a car!! yeh, you heard me right. spent a few days looking at cars and finally settled for a burgundy wine red nissan tiida sedan st-s. pretty neat for a brand new car. now.. i got to rush for my license. haha. really happy because it was a compromised between the hyundai getz (hatchback) that my dad wanted and the misubishi lancer that i wanted. will post peekchers up of my car when i got the chance to.

things are lil sour between my ex-housemate crys and i. i think she is being deliberately unfair by insisting i clean up the bathroom and kitchen. these are the "problematic" areas in our house and there are other people living in the house other than me who use these areas more than me. it is unreasonable to expect me alone to clean up these 2 areas. in effect, its almost like cleaning the whole house because i already did the living room. kinda ticked. but i'm trying to negotiate cleaning one area and crys cleaning the other. illness (her excuse for not doing anything) is not sufficient. i have been sick for triple the time that she has been. boo.

school work is piling up really high and i haven't been doing much. been too busy dealing with the moving of house, cleaning my new house, unpacking, building things like a self-assembled bookcase and chairs.... its just been thoroughly exhausting. since my dad's been here, i have had unlimited supply of biscuits and supper too!! i am growing really fat. the slight relief i have is that i have been hitting the gym 2-3 times a week. i hope to maintain it at 3 times a week. we'll see. i have too huge a weakness for strawberry tarts, m&ms and supper to maintain my post wisdom teeth weight. we'll see how it goes. hehe.

oh. and a huge i miss you to all my darlings: gerald, markie, jeffie, xing, caro, queenin.. oh my goodness, i'm missing you guys heaps. come to perth now!

been really busy and, not to mention, ill these few days. i am way behind in my readings and work for a variety reasons - sickness, packing up my room and property hunting. it's official - i'll be moving out in the new few days. what's even more amazing is that i haven't even found a place yet. i'm just gonna move to a hotel for the time being. i know... it takes a huge amount of faith.

i am just feeling really lethargic and am aching all over. and i'm only halfway done with my packing. my accumulation of notes, course readers and textbooks from the past 4 years took up 6 boxes!! and i haven't even packed my current semester's books yet. my clothes.. haha. it's 3 packed suitcases and counting. i've run out of suitcases, they have to fit into duffels and whatever hygenic container i can find. really tired.

i haven't been to the gym in ages. i cannot even remember when. i am gonna force myself to hit the gym for 1hr before church tmr. it recharges me before a long day. will have to be at the gym by 0800 in order to get an hour's worth of solid workout. tina and i leave for church at 0905 usually. as for tonight, i'll be doing work and packing.... i slept the whole arvo away because i was too weak to do anything. i cldn't even move properly. but after a hearty dinner, i hope to sustain tonight.

010806.

oh my goodness. time passes so fast. rach prays "please make the next 4 months fly by"..

tuesdays are meant to be like my "catch up" day whereby i clear my readings and tuts for wednesday because i don't have class. but in true princess fashion, i procastinated and procastinated. eat, sleep, eat, sleep, sing, eat, eat, sleep.. it's 2125hr and oh my goodness, i have done nothing! tonight is gonna be one hellava night. i'm gonna be like those agitated cats rushing about. i've got my trusted buddies with me - coffee, chocolate and biscuits - hopefully to last me tonight. because i don't think i'll be sleeping much tonight.

colin, my NUM buddy, sent me an awesome song last night. to tell you the truth, i'm not really into certain "eccentric" genres, although i am appreciate they exist and stuff. so when colin told me that junior and him are crazy over this genre (electronica) and group (late night alumni).. i was open to giving it a shot. turns out to be awesome. it's not mainstream music but it's enchantingly haunting. the lead has this very haunting, surreal voice - gives me goosebumps. and there i thought my immortal was it. the song's titled "meant to be", i tried searching up the lyrics but found none. like colin said, "listen and you'll weep". yes... indeed. it's amazing. i'll share it with you guys some time.

winter is deadly. i am growing fatter by the day. doesn't seem like gym can save me! *sobs in despair* how the crap do chicks lose 10kg? i cannot even lose 2kg! maybe i'm meant to stay fat.