first day of school.

it was a sweltering 38 degrees. even a mini and a thin tee cldn't cool me sufficiently.

my first lecture of the year: Property Law I. i swear it is f.boring. something tells me it is gonna be the dullest unit i'm attempted up to date. constitutional law I and equity is beckoning to me tmr.

the meeting with the faculty advisor didn't go down too well. i am 3 units behind in my econs degree, which ought to be completed by the end of this year. should i do summer school with curtin @ singapore and transfer credits back? or should i just continue overloading next sem and next year? i'll die.

i will die i know.

why do i dread uni so much? if i dread uni so much, why did i, ever so senselessly, choose a course that's 6 years long?!?! so dumb.

3rd day in perth and not any less miserable as the first 2 days. i hadn't stepped out more than 2mins from my house since i've touched down. i don't know why either. i'm just moody. there's like 101 things to be done and i've done none. for example, unpacking.. i'd told myself on friday i'll do all the unpacking on saturday so as to stow away the unsightly luaggage which is hogging the entrance. up to now, they're still lying where i last left them. vacuuming my room. i have a spider-infested room after leaving it vacant for 3 months. i still haven't done anything about that too.

i don't know why i am feeling the way i do. or maybe i do but just don't wanna go into details. sometimes i just hate myself for feeling that way. and the weather isn't doing any favours - 35 deg, 36 deg, 37 deg etc... it's just too hot. i'm scared of heat.

i listen to everyone back in singapore, going sentosa, going out for movies and having supper at maxwell. i'm envious. i'm jealous. ok, now i'm sounding mean. of course i want them to have fun.... enjoy things. just that when i'm not exactly having the time of my life....... yeah, it keeps me more depressed. but i've a new resolution for now: to be less selfish. i sincerely hope they re having and will continue to have good times.

and its once again the time of the holidays where i sit back and reflect on my past hols. the past 3 months (exactly 3 mths!) was filled up lotsa ups and downs..... a bumpy ride. nevertheless, thank you to all those who have made it so memorable and hard to leave. before i can even leave, my heart's burdened with unspoken misery. and i am missing everything around me.

i miss home.
i miss my mum. my dad. my brother.
i miss my auntie, my darling rascal and my godma.
i miss mark, gerald, jeff, xing, caro, queenin and ceddy.
i miss newurbanmale and the pple i've gotten to know, junior, colin and augustine.
i miss coffee-ing at siglap, holland v and cityhall.
i miss going to maxwell for porridge at any time of the day/
i miss being able to jio any of my darlings out when i'm down.
i miss seeing them, knowing they will make everything seem ok.
i miss bus-sing and train-ing all around singapore.
i miss doing silly things and embarrassing myself.
i miss having sing-a-long and foodie sessions with my bestie.
i miss my bed.
i miss the cheap food which can be found anywhere.
i miss everything.

home is always where the heart will be. and forever will be.

you are so achingly perfect...

haunting my memories,
slowly draining the sanity out of me.
i am enchanted by your imperfect perfection.

to me.

-rach. 230602

the hauntingly enchanting song. finally, i've got the song, with the title and singer made known.

YOU AND ME by LIFEHOUSE
What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive.

it's true. i can't keep my eyes off you.

been so heavy hearted these few days because i am going back. i have been procastinating my packing. i think its psychological, i feel that packing makes leaving so final, as if i can really run away from reality. *rolls eyes*

today i had dinner with the 2 boys closest to my heart, markk and gerald, plus some other good fellows whom i have grown extremely attached too this hols - jeff, queenin and cedric. i'd arrange to meet everyone @ holland v for dinner/coffee and good catching up. initially i had reservations about all these 5 people being put at the same table because the group composition is a lil odd, like mark and jeff vs gerald, queenin and cedric. however, by the end of the meeting, i seriously wondered why the hell i was worrying for. everyone got along brilliantly! firstly, we headed to thai express for dinner. dinner was great but the companionship was even better! i reckon gerald was feeling quite cranky and he seemed to be in a mood for telling extremely lame jokes till it got us laughing and scratching our heads.

we then proceeded to tcc for a follow-up coffee. cedric caught us with an amazingly stupid joke which got markk spitting out his water! haha, and when our drinks arrived and i attempted to steal markk's oreo cookie, markk made the theft more difficult - i had to steal it from his mouth! wahaha. not the first time since we (markk, jeff and i) were playing pass the lemon slice with our mouths @ phunk on saturday. however, this time i bit mark's lip! oopsie!! my bad. out of practice mah. hahaha. sorry bro! oh gosh. we had such a hilarious time, with jeff being in a pms-y mood, gerald in a cranky mood and me being completely bitchy. i love them so much. queenin as usual was in her usual quietness, but we still adore her all the same.

walking away from tcc to go our separate ways was one of the hardest things i'd to do. sounds so f.simple, but it's not. my heart broke knowing i won't see cedric and queenin anytime soon. i'm, however, determined to see gerald, jeff and markk once more. i have so many regrets this hols - why did i only realise cedric was such cute and lovable fun in the last couple weeks before i leave? arghh. considering i knew him from ages ago. and queenin - what can i say about her? she's such a level-headed, mature and caring girl.... i wished i had utilized more time to know her even better. my level of respect for her extremely high.

i decided to take a cab home because it was getting late. i told markk i'll drop him off at his house, just a lil off the usual route, but no biggie. i hugged mark real tight, swap kisses and off her went. the emotional burden in my heart only got heavier. i tried controlling tears from rolling down. why cry right? so silly, big girl already with 3 years experience overseas, why cry? sighs, i don't know. maybe i do know lahs - it's the fear of returning to loneliess down under. i have friends there but none as dear to me as gerald, mark, xing and the rest to me. the fun i have here with them, the memories i have.... i can just relive them everyday but yet be powerless to see them, touch them, run to them for anything. and it hurts even more to know if something happens to any of them, shld they be troubled, in need of help/love/friendship, i am not around to be with them. esp with gerald and his singapore idol journey. i hate myself for it honestly.

lately, everyone has beeen asking me the question heavy on their minds for the past few years "why did you leave singapore? you cld have gone to a decent JC and then to a local uni. so why?" in all honesty, up to now, i also don't know why. it sounds so silly, but its true, i didn't know why. back then, i remembered wanting to go to poly instead of JC, which sort of horrified my parents in a sense. and somehow, one thing lead to another and i ended up doing college overseas. at the end of the day, i lost any sense of purpose in doing anything. i can't say i regretted going overseas, no after all the money my dad has spent on me. i respect him immensely for that and will always be grateful. going overseas certainly imparted many of life's lessons to me. however, i can't say i am having the time of my life either. i'm not. i'm always feeling lonely. certainly i have adjusted to life overseas but it doesn't deter me from being homesick and missing my loved ones. home is always where my heart will be.

lastly, who's the boss? when man was created, all parts of the body argued who should be boss. the brain said he should be boss since he controlled all thoughts. the eyes said he should be boss since without him, man wouldn't be able to see. the legs then countered this by saying that it was him that brought man wherever he wanted to go. the stomach argued that it was him that provided nutrition forthe whole body and he should be boss. then the asshole applied for the job. the other parts laughed so hard that the asshole got angry and closed up for a week. the stomach got upset, the legs went wobbly, the brain started to go wonky and the eyes got crossed. finally, they conceded that the asshole will be the boss. this proves that you don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an asshole.

these few days have been very eventful. after spending vday with G and all, the next day was spent at home, just sobering up from the previous days shock. under jeff's encouragement, i pursued the guy i bumped into at suntec the day before too. since he was an ex primary school schoolmate of mine, i got his email and mobile no. off our common friend. seems kinda despo but oh well, just to catch up anyways.

arranged with him to meet the following day whereby we'll head for some drinks. thursday: G was on MC so both of decided to meet up at visit funan to get some stuff. met up, walked around and i finally got my mouse, after agonising over getting one for more than a year. stupid right. then i had dinner with my dad, i was so pleased about it. its been soooooooo rare to see him this whole holidays and a simple dinner means so much to me. after dinner i met up with that guy for drinks.... lets just say there's no chemistry on both parts. mark and jeff are not impressed with what happened. we shall just skip through the details.

friday: stayed home the whole day with no plans whatsoever. dad came home pretty early after a whole day's worth of meetings to have dinner with us. we tried to fit steamboat and chilli crabs all into one meal because my dad knows i love to eat them and it was my last dinner with him before he flies off. ate till i honestly wanted to puke. after dinner, i headed out to meet mark and jeff to catch PINK PANTHER. the movie was so f.hilarious. beyonce is looking absolutely HAUGHT in the movie man. sheesh. i think all three of us thoroughly enjoyed the movie. oh yes, plus anthony. this guy whom mark knew through pretty unique circumstances. hehe. the world is so small heys, turns out anthony knows gerald too!! after that, i was dragged to CU29 against my will by those 2 boys which turned out pretty boring although i love the ktv there. was really shagged and wanted to spend some time with my dad before he flew off. so i reached home pretty early.

saturday: with poor communication among everyone, i was at home for most of the day until my dad came back before leaving for the airport. hence, i tagged along when my bro drove him down. somehow, i ended up at keppel just stoning before heading down to dinner with gerald, jeff and mark @ holland v. after dinner, we headed to jeff's place to chill, this really shick and modern apt. we all adored the deco of the apt.... at around 10ish, we all trooped down to cheekymonkeys. i have been going on about heading back to cheekys before i return back to australia and the boys have been extremely good sports to oblige to my demand, despite them being uncomfortable with the env and the genre of music. i truly appreciate it. g drove us down (he wasnt clubbing because he had to drive his parents home) but when we got there, to our horror, we discovered cheekys had closed down. i almost fainted in shock. however, i decided to move next door to phunk. seemed like they played with similar genre to cheekys. instead of the usual bhangra crowd, it was largely a blacks crowd. the poor boys were soooo out of placed but the alcohol running through the veins were sufficient to keep them there for awhile. danced around but was way too sober. the music picked up much later on when they played burn it up, bonaza, yeah, get busy, tempted to touch, move that body and milkshake back to back. it was a pretty good run. also realised the poles in phunk was different to the ones at cheekys. i miss cheekys so much.

gerald came back to meet us with cedric and the three of us trooped off to catch our 1.40am movie, the long weekend while mark and jeff headed off to their usual and old haunt, ynot. the movie was pretty funny too though definitely for my fellow blog readers, if you're under 18, its abit too vile watch. wahahahaha. when the movie ended, cedric said he was hungry and was dreaming of maxwell food centre's porridge, the exact thing i was craving for the day before. we then met up with mark and jeff again. =) the supper was super satisfying.

i'm honestly exhausted but this will be the last of my late nights in singapore. i don't foresee myself repeating any of these activities before i go back. wanna spend more time at home sorting out the nitty grittys before i return and also with my family (or whats left of it). plus, there's heaps of packing to be done... sighs. i am so dreading going back. till then, i need my B-E-A-U-ty sleep.

today is probably one of the most memorable valentine days ever. no, i didn't have a date nor did i receive any gifts or flowers. but it was indeed one of the most sobering days i had. i choose to refrain from detailing the events. however, if you're interested, ask me.

am very tired. will update more when i'm in a more positive mood. catch me then.

yesterday i attended corrinne may's concert at the NUS cultural centre with G and friends. though we purchased the most expensive seats in the house (the centre stall seats), it was well and truly worth it. the ambience was truly seductive with the soft shades of light illuminating the stage and cosy velvet curtains. the 8 piece string ensemble was already seated patiently when we entered the concert hall, all smartly dressed in black. they were accompanying corrinne may's band that night. =)

she came unto the stage, looking absolutely stunning in a maroon strapless gown. corrinne may is even prettier in real life than she is in photographs. she exludes confidence and grace. the moment she started playing the piano and singing, i lost it. truly and completely. and i know it was the same with gerald. we were in awe of such a talented singer/songwriter. and more importantly for me, she put me to shame as a christian. her faith is unwavering and is clearly shown throughout the whole concert through the lyrics she penned and sang from her heart. touched me in a place i never thought existed. the moment she sang fly away, i lost it. tears came pouring down my cheeks. to make matters worst, she sang journey after fly away. my two personal favourites from her.... the very 2 songs that are so close to my heart which speaks volumes about my life. gerald wasn't spared from the emotions raging through the concert hall. he was sobbing like a baby too. i wonder what his friends thought of us, the 2 people sitting in the middle sobbing away....... we left inspired. as if we were touched by an angel. i love gerald. i do. =) and i'll support him in anything and everything he does, especially the forthcoming singapore idol. i refuse to let the distance affect me.

today i was in for some haggling with qantas over some silly issue of my flight ticket, details which i won't go into now because i have successfully resolved it already. caused my parents and i considerable upset. right now, i'm just no longer gonna think about it. huimin texted me at noon telling me she wanted to discuss our next semester's timetable with me today because she will be returning back to perth tmr. she's going back early because she has to set up her new place - she has moved out of her hostel and rented a 2 bedroom townhouse with her hostel friend val. so i quickly jotted down the days and timings, shuffled them around and left. to our astonishment when we met for tea, for once, we didn't have TOO much a trouble organising our timetables, as oppose to other semesters. probably due to the fact she's only doing a single arts unit and is therefore more flexible to my "whims and fancies". no lah, its just coz i'm overloading and she isn't. but even then. we didn't experience much problems with our timetables for once. i can't believe i have school on friday!! just one hour of school on friday! *rach whines!* nooooooooooooo. i need my off-day!

anyways. after tea with huimin, i went to meet G at novena. i was going to buy him dinner before his vocal classes. we hopped on a train, planning to stop at outram. however, greediness got to the better of us and we decided on maxwell food centre. for $13.50, we had century egg porridge, satay beehoon, cuttlefish kangkong, popiah and sugar cane juice! it was truly a satisfying meal for us. great food, great price, great company. i would like to think both of us really treasured and enjoyed the time spent today. we then previewed some songs on my lappie which i wanted to highlight to him because i believe that it suits his vocal range and voice. don't know if he agrees with me but he has appointed me as his music manager. =) i then walked him to ocean butterflies before heading back...

now it's to completing my valentine day presents and burning backups on my computer!!

yesterday was probably the longest day i'd had in a long time, but nevertheless, it was an excellent wrap to the holidays. for someone who utterly detest crowds, i think i handled it well yesterday.

my bestie, G, joined singapore idol. he's such a talented singer, we just had to force him to. since i'll be going back soon, i felt the very least i cld do was to show him physical and moral support when i can. so i gave it my all. from waking up at 3am to join the massive snake-like queue with him, waiting jittery by the sidewalks, going in and out cine to find drinks, sweets and whatevernots for him to jumping up and down in celebratory fashion when he did get in. YES! HE GOT IN!! i'm like so awfully proud of him. queenin, what can i say about her? she's awesome - another brick in G's life. both of us kept each other company throughout it all, waiting at rocky's towards the end of the long and tiring day... i respect her for the life lessons she has imparted to me. she has a much tougher life than mine but yet she's reacts to it positively and with so much poise, it puts me utterly to shame. anyways, we celebrated G's entry to SI @NYDC - which was such a fantastic dinner. met up with markie bro and his didi, anthony.

i promised markie bro and jeff the week before i was going to go with them to Happy so despite my extreme fatigue, i had to go. and finally, i had the privilege of meeting of meeting the much-talked about marcus. i seriously think he's such a sweetheart. soooooooooooooooo fond of him. which can be sort of seen as an unfortunately thing, i'm not sure. met many new people as usual - jasmine, karen, sharon, cass and wayne (and probably some others i can't remember). the music is, as expected, not my usual flava and i find myself dancing-impaired when it comes to this genre. i prefer my poles and hiphop/R&B. drank abit too much for my liking. though some pple think it's irrelevant, i have a thing about counting my drinks. so i can keep tabs on when i'll be knocked off, or lose my sense of awareness of control. the tally for last night over a period of 2 plus hrs was pretty damaging but definitely not the worse. i have seen more unglam days. 1 midori illusion (the most potent shiat i've ever tried), 1 vodka redbull, 1 vodka orange, 1 happy sexual, 2 shots of tequila + many sips of graveyard, mark's beers and s38. graveyard @ happy is served as a delux cocktail as oppose to the usual shooter. and something interesting i've learnt from the bartender @ happy was that the mixer used for the graveyard cocktail was beer! and there i was thinking it was tonic water...

at 2.10am, i called it quits. my legs were aching from hours of standing in the hot sun, supporting gerald. as it is, i wldn't have gone happy if it wasn't for the promise i intended to keep. i didn't think my legs cld handle anymore dancing and standing. so i kissed mark and jeff goodbye, waved to the rest and cleared the area. jeff was so sweet to come out and hail a cab down for me. i had a wee bit too much to drink but at least i cld direct the cabbie home who didn't know how to get to my place. and i have to make special mentions to this cabbie - he was so sweet. the cab fare came up to $11.65 but because i had problem counting the coins, he told me the initial $10.50 i passed him was sufficient. he's soooooo nice. i was telling queenie earlier in the day, hao-xin hui you hao bao. i gave the tissue-selling lady $2 earlier when i cld have bought myself a frappe instead of just tea - but she needed the $2 more than me. now the cabbie was returning the favour. awwwww.

came home, showered and headed to bed. don't ask me how i manage to shower. i cldn't even stand properly (it always take the alcohol quite a while to tk effect on me so the full blast of the effects hit me when i got home and in the shower) i tried to balance/lean against the wall to shower. in the end, i resorted to sitting down. i refuse to go to bed smelling of pespiration and smoke. hell no.... when i hit the bed, it didn't take me more than 5 mins to completely knock off. i was drained and drunk. i realise something about myself. i can be drunk but yet function relatively normally, so long as i don't drink till i end up unconscious. i can think, speak, process things around me and get around without support but just in a hazy fashion.

now i'm up with a hangover. had my lunch but my stomach doesn't seem to be agreeing with the food so i'm not feeling too great right now. nevertheless, i'm holding my food in. also currently nursing a sore throat AND headache. however, i have to get ready soon to meet darling G for dinner and our concert tonight. yes, we're going to watch corrinne may perform at the NUS arts centre today with a 6-string ensemble. how f.awesome is that?? so exciting - though the price of the tickets are abit steep. but she's worth it.

pictures taken yesterday will be posted up soon enough. hang in there and wait!! they are worth the wait. =)

my zha jiang la mian! yum! so yummy!

xing dearie and i @ maccas. she came all the way from NTU to meet us after her tutorial. how sweet. love her to bits. =)

dinner with Jeff boy and Markie bro @ asian kitchen [050206]

revealing more leg than intended. caro and i @ ECP - she went blading while i biked.

SHATTERED DREAMS by JOHNNY HATES JAZZ

So much for your promises
They died the day you let me go
Caught up in a web of lies
But it was just too late to know
I thought it was you
Who would stand by my side

(CHORUS)
And now youve given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart
You said youd die for me

Woke up to reality
And found the future not so bright
I dreamt the impossible
That maybe things could work out right
I thought it was you
Who would do me no wrong

(CHORUS)

From this empty heart
I thought it was you who you'd die for love

(CHORUS)

Oh no no no - you said you'd die for me
Oh oh, oh oh, die for me
So much for your promises

a song much loved by baby J and i. lyrics wise - speaks volumes to my heart. but this time round, i just got to let it burn.

i miss him.

like seriously oh my goodness, is it just me or... just me but the boys from I NOT STUPID TOO are like so fucking cute now. yes, i know i said i'll make an attempt on cutting down on my swearing but those boys have grown up heaps! this sounds awfully paedophilic but right now, shawn lee and joshua ang are seriously appealing to me right now. i've probably known josh [i have started getting personal with him now, referring to him lovingly as josh. hehe] will mature into a ravishing heart throb who will melt lil girls' hearts, just like mine. but who would have expected puny then 11 year old shawn to follow suit? hell no!! but indeed, he has proven all of us wrong - not only is his voice drop dead sexy to me now, his boyish charms, dimples and towering height has won me over. completely. *swoon*

oh no. i hope i don't go to jail for blogging about how cute these boys are, after all, they are still underage (or are they not?? i have no idea). so anywho. the movie itself was a tear-jerker, i sniffled throughout the movie and wept at the most dramatic scenes. true enough, my life is about being a drama mama...

visited newurbanmale today, again! and purchased another one of their infamously scandalous tees. "don't just eat more bananas, eat better bananas." excellent, i just might heed their advice after all. gonna keep this entry sweet because my eyes are on auto shut mode but before i sign off, have you heard of someone who has six wisdom teeth instead of the usual four? well now you have, because i have six. awfully freakish.

dug up some old boxes... which held all my secondary school memoirs. all the notebooks i kept (i'd an obsession with notebooks then).. my history notes, bio notes and amaths [horror of horrors] exercise book. so much memories... funny i use to have these long lists of friends who, mind you, surprisingly (NOT!) were guys. and most definitely predictably, i don't know where a single one of them is now. oh wells. such as in my adolescent years.

came across this poem which was written by yours truly in secondary two, making it a neat six years old. sheesh.

as winter gave way to the smiling sun
as little children play and run
in our park where sunlight shone
in our park where memories were fond.
the flowers were aloof and shy
just like us, you and i
underneath our own vast sky
whre birds flew away free and high
the trees and grass, greener than green
the paths we wallked, spotlessly clean
the worlds we thought, never spoken
the connection between our hearts, never broken
eternal and undying
deep sweet and try
it is a promise
of my love for you.

i am beginning to feel embarrass. *blush* but oh well, heck it. - clicks on the publish icon -

12 more days to valentine's day.

a date would be nice.

any offers?