Sigh. Why is it so hot in Sgp? Too hot, too lazy to go out. Just got to run some errands like the stuff to get for Terry and Jaks. Other than tht, pretty much, it's too annoyingly HOT and STICKY to go out~!!

Been really down and depressed. Probs with housin. Not prepared to share the details on this blog but for ya guys who are aware it, thanks for ya support and encouragement. I'm just considerin all my remainin options now.

Seriously downcast.

My "social" life
Basically the 1st word tht comes to mind when I see the followin words:

Australia
Boyfriend: Terry
Girlfriend: Nun [pronounced as "NOON"]
Clubbin: Non-existent
The Nerd: Hui Min
The Slacker: Normah
Smart-arse: Kenneth
School: Sleep
Free time: Phone
Singing: Jaks
Sexy: Robbie [Williams]
"Protector": Terry

Singapore
Boyfriend: Gerald
Girlfriend: pJ
Clubbin': Kor [my real bro]
The Nerd: Who?
The Slacker: Me!
Smart-arse: Kor [but also very lazy]
School: NO!
Free time: Chillin'
Singing: Gerald
Sexy: Robbie [Williams]
"Protector": Mark [my "bro"]

Where's Terry? I miss him heaps. =(

Not sure if I'd mentioned this before but Jaks and I "tiffed" some days back which ended me up in tears and stuff. Was dreadfully saddened by this unexpected happenin hey. But like the norm, all's good now. Missin him (as usual, no surprise). Anywayz. Am in Malaysia right now, Genting. Didn't want to come hey, but it's some kind of family getaway, how can I possible dodge it right? I'm half-asleep as I'm typin this in, so kindly forgive for dodgy expression of words or weird talk. Basically quite zonked out.

I think ya guys might be wonderin wht happened to my subj of interest hey. Nono, he hasn't disappeared and no, I didn't manage to give it up like said in my previous entries. Look, basically, my heart isn't simply listenin to my brain. Somehow, I'm bein led by all the wrong signals, which isn't good. However, my friend says.. "No Rach! It's good.. This is truly love." WHAT??? I don't want to freak him out hey (though I think I have. Have I?)Oh well. See how it goes.

Oh yes, somethin really impt. TERRY DOESN'T HAVE TO GO KALGOOLIE! *yAy!* I'm joyious, ecstatic, over the moon and sun. When he rang me tht day to tell me the good news, I cld hardly contain it hey. Prancin arnd doin alittle dance, grinnin like a Chesire cat... Man! I save all the petrol money! WOOHOO! Thank God!

Stonin, spacin out, zonked. I'll sign off. Love all of ya guys. *hugs*muacks* Cheers.

Got my hair cut at my friend's hairdresser. And guess wht? My mum's majorly upset, throwin her tendrum recklessly arnd. Why? My hair isn't the way she wants it to be. Childish. The hair is mine, not hers. How I want my hair to look is my own freewill, choice and decision. Not tht I dyed my hair bright blue, neon orange or chopped off all my hair. No, it's simply layered and she's actin like I've rebelled the family. And above it all, she says she has good taste... and I have non.

Like I care. The hair is mine. Not hers. She can get mad all she wants. It's my hair.

"Better to have never met ya in my dreams than to wake up and reach for hands tht are never there.." Depressingly enchantin....

Was seriously overjoyed when Terry called after the end of his exams hey. I was like this smilin idiot just listenin to him narrate the series of day events. Thank God I was at home and not outside!

Anywayz. Been talkin to Jaks daily on MSN. Seriously hey, I've become this MSN freak even though it's only Jaks tht I talk to on MSN, coz Terry's hardly online. Missin them heaps! Their pictures on my mobile are on rotation, 2 days Terry wallpaper, 2 days Jaks wallpaper, so tht whenever I look at it, it brings a wide smile to my face. Gosh, missin the guys heaps! Yeah, though I did tiff with Jaks last night (which was quite upsettin), it made me realise tht I missed them even more! It's so frustratin to tiff with someone (esp Jaks) and be so far away frm them physically coz it's so bloody difficult to solve problems online. However, all's good and cool now. Still love him heaps hey. (Heard tht Jaks??)

Poor Gerald (and me). After the unfortunate fracturin of his tailbone, he has to remain in camp till the 2nd or 3rd July. This means, I CAN'T SEE HIM! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... Damn! I so want to chill him badly with capitl B! Plus, pJ is comin back frm Malaysia which is heaps good coz I've been dyin to catch up with her. Know I haven't been there much for her lately, because I've been so preoccupied with my church friends back in Perth, but she's constantly in my prayers and thoughts. Heard tht girl? Ya mean heaps to me. *huggies*muacks*

Been great chillin with XW too. Had an awesome time at her place, despite the little "situation" tht occurred at her place (tht doesn't involve me).

Tk care, cheers.

Life is full of frailties. Pple often tk for granted the pple and things existin on this planet, often reminising with regret when tht something or someone is gone. Often than now, I use to regard life as a sad realm where there is much pain and sufferin. Yet, I fail to count each and every blessin tht brings joy to me. Yes, indeed, the world is unjust and pple suffer at the expense of tht, but simple things like, havin a roof over our heads, tht is somethin we have to be thankful abt and not simply tk it for granted, assuming tht there will be one forever over our heads.

All arnd us, civil strife and uproar of violence, look at the innocent lives lost. I was watchin the news on the TV on the bus on Monday when the video of the Korean hostage pleadin for his life appeared. My heart just broke. Smashed. Must it be tht way? Succumbed to such merciless, indespicable mode of torture? Is his life goin to pay for the price of peace? No. It will not. So wht good will arise frm this? None. Wht can I do? Nothin. But pray. For him, for his family, for the South Korean Government in exercising discretion over this matter (which they haven't) and for the US. To show compassion and true understandin to those who have lost their loved ones in this war against Terror.

(Do I know exactly wht I am talkin abt? No. It's 2.10am. So sorry if it comes out wrong.) Life's full of the unexpected. I know this might sound really stupid but Terry dropped me a bombshell today. He told me me tht if he can't successfully transfer to Murdoch University frm Curtin Uni, he has to go to Kalgoolie for 2yrs to finish the rest of his course (He is currently enrolled in Mining Engineering). Kalgoolie is like an extremely long drive frm Perth. I know ya guys are like goin "Chey!" but this few days have been pretty weird without him already. It's gonna be so tough hey. I can only talk to him on the phone but not see him.

I wanted to yell out "Unfair!" and ram my knuckles into the wall. I've always thought tht unfortunate things happen to me. I told him this "Dammit, I'm gonna get my stupid license, get my stupid car and give the stupid hrs to see you", which I seriously wld. However, as I look at it now, I failed to thank God for the little things, like introducin me to someone as awesome, fun, caring and God-faithful friend like Terry. For providin me someone who makes me laugh, offers me a shoulder to cry on, a ear to listen, great advice and most imptly, friendship. Priceless friendship.

For now, all I can do is pray, give thanks and leave it all up to God. As previously mentioned: Wht we have planned for ourselves might not necessarily be wht God has planned for us. We need to pray tht He will show us the way, not make human judgments as more often than not, these decisions are not the right ones for us.

Seriously shagged hey. Cheers guys.

Love hurts.

However I will gladly trade the hrs of pain, hurt and torture for just those few brief seconds of happiness with the person ya love.

Every tear shed, every heartbeat skipped, every achin moment is the opportunity cost just to see the smile and hear the laugh of the one you love. Like mentioned before, this path troden upon, is chosen by me, my freewill, my heart, my soul, my all.

Absence indeed makes the heart grow fonder. For me anyway.

Pretty much all's good. So yap. Just missin Jaks and Terry HEAPS~! Terry, ya lucky PIG! Off to Melb tmr. Have an awesome time there ok?? Missin ya heaps. But till then... hehe, Terry has double papers tmr. So yap. Ya go top dude!

Jaks.. Study hard for ya papers yap?? I don't want to nag here.. but, ya shld know tht ya need to pass all units to get to Murdoch Uni, and I have faith and confidence in ya tht ya will be able to make it. *huggies*

Spent yesterday pretty much bummin with my ex-colleagues. It felt hell good, havin lunch with them, and then dinner again. I did spend some time shoppin and got myself and a friend a really beautiful cross and chain frm this shop at Bugis.I only realize now, as I am typin to ya, tht the chain (though really beautiful) traps my hair.. and when I thug, my hair snaps. So now the back of my chain has so many bits of my hair. (Don't ya laugh. Hehe)

Right now as I am typin, I'm at one of my good old friend's house, XW. Missin her heaps man. Hell good to see her again. But she has exams next wk. So it's pretty sad hey. But all's good. I'm sure I will see her again soon.

Got to run. *hugs* tk care. Cheers.

I don't know why am I cryin. I don't. Somethin stings and hurts and is stabbin me repeatedly. I know I shld be happy. I'm home right? Tht's the most impt thing. Yes, I'm ecstatic to be home. But somethin's missin. And I can't pinpt it. I can't. God, pls tell me wht it is. I really need to know. Coz I'm hurtin real bad.

It just felt so right. To melt into the arms of my "bro" Mark. To seek him for comfort, strength, support and love. I realize how much I love him. And miss him.

Just didn't want to let go of him. Still don't. I told him abt my subj of interest, but I didn't understand why I felt like cryin when I spoke of SOI. But I'm glad Mark knows and is here for me. Spent my day chillin with him and now my dad.

Tk care.. Cheers. *hugs*

There ya go. I've officially "confessed" to my subj of interest tht I do like him. It's all out. Stings. Hurts. Pain. But I know I have Mark and Gerald here. To comfort me. Hold me when I need to. Watch me cry like a baby. And be there for me. I don't want to make use of them. But.. I need them. To cuddle me and assure me all things will be right. Thank God for them.

Exams are officially over. And guess wht? I'm back in Sgp NOW! So.. for the next 3wks plus, I'll be updatin my "loved ones" in Perth. Somethin just doesn't feel right here. I feel naked knowin tht I can't see the pple tht I hang out with ALL the time in Perth. If I'm not with either of them, I'm on the phone with either of them.

As much as the anticipation of seein everyone back home, the dreaded feelin of impendin doom (tht's really serious hey) of leavin these 2 awesome, fanastic and fun-filled guys was just like a 16pound bowling ball in my stomach, waitin to erupt. When I bid farewell to them last night, tears were threatenin to spill over. Never wanted the hugs to end. All the way in the flight, I was just reflectin on this "whirlwind friendship" (not romance) and realize how much I loved and appreciated them.

If ya guys know me.. I'm strictly ANTI-MSN and guess wht? No prezzies there.. I'm on MSN talkin to Jaks! This is called "the crazy things ya do when ya miss pple" Don't worry, I'll keep everyone back in Perth updated. Like... Gerald has fractured some bone and can't see me, so I'll see him! (Go to his house tht is...) My "bro" will meet me tmr. *yAy*.

Ok.. Will update soon. *hugs**muacks* Tk care coz I care. Cheers

Bein sucked deeper into this Black Hole
Into the unknown
It just tears me apart
To watch him from afar.

How I want to hold him
Tell him how I feel
But I can't
For the fear of losin him.

Amidst my tears I lie awake and pray
That someday I can hear him say
The words I've always anticipated to hear
That will turn my whole life arnd.

Someday
Will it ever come?
Somehow
Will it materialize?

My mind's in this whirlpool
Angry outbursts of emotions tormenting me
Pls pull me out of there
No one, other than him, can.

The hardest thing I've realized
Is lettin go it
But this is my own freewill, choice and heart
To him, all I surrender.

You're too beautiful for me.

Feelin much better now. Though alittle impatient. Was usin my laptop to type my Contract notes, but the stupid space bar decided to give me problem. Hence I'm typin really slow. The Business Lib has some pretty new and flashy comps so decided to make the swap. So much more efficient. Goin to resume my note makin.

Upon self-reflectn, I've realized my attitude towards sch had changed since my transition frm college to Uni. I've become far more complacent (which is REALLY not the way to go) and playful, unlike the focus and determination I had last yr where I was dead serious abt everythin. Therefore, I am goin to channel ALL my energy into Contract 101. I'm still not aimin for a D or HD, just a decent Pass pls.

When I've made it through this Sem (desperately prayin), I'll start plannin for Sem 2, where all my time will be divided into church and sch. Spent too much time in Sem 1 mixin with the wrong pple. Jaks, if I didn't sound serious on the phone just now, I'm dead serious abt my work too. I'm pretty much a mugger when I want to be. So yap, we can study together at Curtin tmr after sch. Wht do ya reckon hey? I know ya're stressed too, will be prayin for ya all this while. Ya're one smart cookie.

Terry, all the best for tmr's Statistics paper. Ya go dude!! *huggies* I'm sure ya'll ace it. Gerald, where's ya disappeared to? I'll be back to chill out with ya in NO TIME!
pJ, I know I haven't called nor sms ya for a LONG while but I hadn't made many calls back home lately, so pls don't be mad. Yap. Love ya girl.

Got to run. Make notes! Cheers guys.

"When you love someone, let him go. If he returns to you, it was meant to be. If he doesn't, his love was never yours to begin with."

Definitely not my day.
Officially the crappest, toughest, most brain-sappin paper I've ever seen and attempted in my entire life.
Legal Process.
Guess wht?
I know I've failed it and for the 1st time in life, need to tk a supplementary exam.
How do I know I've failed?
I'd left 40% blank.
And the irony is,
It's open bk!
Fuckin wow.

To brighten up this "BEAUtiful" day
I've Math immediately after tht.
Guess wht?
The paper isn't anywhere over yet and I'm postin this to ya.
2 hr paper, but I left after 1.
So, bye bye to my HD.
Not tht I wanted to leave,
I just can't think anymore.

I know ya guys are thinkin,
Rach, ya're losin it..
Crackin up, spaced out, zonked out
Perhaps.
Demented. Sucked dry.

Gonna MUG for my Contract on Fri.
Or byebye Law Sch.
I know I've to be thankful there's such thing as supps for Legal or I wld have been DEAD.
1st I have to meet up with Liling and her family for dinner tonight.
Great.
There goes my MUG time.
Not tht I don't want to see her,
but NOW?

However.
Really need to talk to someone, anyone.
To gibber nonsensical stuff and have a good time.
De-stress, detox, whtever it is.
Ring me guys.
Cheers. Love ya all. Know I'm grumpy but.. I'll be alright.

Couple clarificatns to make.
(1) In regards to yesterday's posts, Jaks, pls don't get the wrong idea. I'm just tryin to effectively say tht there's shldn't be any teasin unless some "announcement" of bein together is official.
(2) Nothin else.

Yap. At Muroch Uni again. Things aren't look tht bright. Went home yesterday and slept. Didn't mug at all. So... Today, it's the very last day before my exam. Seriously. Ya have no idea how crapped am I. I have to tk in a Copy of the Interpretatn Act of WA 1984 for my Legal exam tmr. And guess wht guys? I don't have one! Tht Act is seriously THE most impt thing I did. I tried to buy it before but it was always sold out. I'm gonna attempt to print it off the Net later today.

My eyes are closin, brains shuttin down. Not the way to go Rach. I'm gonna go for a double shot expresso soon. Need to get high on drugs again. Tht's the only plausible optn for me for today. Pray for me guys. Pls. I need ALL the help I can get. Divine interventn hey.

Alrighty. Will be back home in 4 days time! Cheers.

Just reached UWA. Been at Murdoch Uni the whole day with Terry, Rowena and Jaks. This's the 1st time Jaks joined us. Well. Did get Math done and some Legal Process stuff done. However, considerin I'd not touch Legal completely prior to today, I've some 1000 plus pages of material to conver. Hardcore.

Realized some stuff today. Firstly, I'm major distractn to Jaks (kept writin him funny notes.) And the church pple like Amelia, Jeff S., Rowena and Terry are givin Jaks and I crap. Like we went for dinner right, and were suppose to divide into 2 cars, but everyone went with Terry, leavin Jaks and I in Jaks' car. Harlo guys, even if I like Jaks romantically, he wldn't reciprocate it ok?? But tht's not the pt. The pt is... er, it's not some fairy tale frm the Bible! And if ya guys aren't aware, though Jacob (in the Bible) was madly in love with Rachel (also in the Bible), the woman tht God had planned for Jacob was Leah (the one in the Bible and not Terry's sis). So quit the teasin! Leave it all to God.

Today flew past so fast. Need to do some hardcore muggin when I get back home. Just don't want to fail for 200.130 (Legal) and 200.101 (Contract Law). Math.. Pls God. A D or HD! Oh well. Tmr, goin to go Murdoch Uni. Got to run. Tk care....

The Micro exam didn't go tht badly on Saturday hey. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't too tough, For tht, I really give thanks to God. Ya see, I'd no intentn to go to church on Friday night, but as I was studyin with Dorcas, somehow, I decided to go to YPG (Young Pple's Grp) with her. Hell was I guilty there- my dad wasn't too pleased when he heard tht I was goin to church. In fact, he hung up on me. However, I kept tellin myself tht TIME SPENT WITH GOD IS TIME WELL-SPENT. Indeed. God will honour those who honour Him. Jaks and I prayed together for the 1st time abt it. I prayed hard for my exam. And it didn't go too badly.

I have 3 more papers before returnin home. Guys, ya have no idea how badly I want to see all of ya. Markie, Gerald, Marcus, Eugene, pJ, MaryAnn, XW, wJ.. Shah.. all ya guys. I'm feelin really sick as I'm typin this but my preparatn for these 3 papers are non-existent. Really don't know wht I'm gonna do abt it. Gonna MUG like crazy, bang in hrs on them. Found out tht muggin at the expense of ya sleep really tks a toll on ya body. (Though I clocked 12hrs of sleep last night). 1stly, I'm down with a fever now and a persistent migrain. 2ndly, PIMPLE OUTBREAK due to stress. (Not the way to go Rach!) Stomach flu due to improper meals. 4thly, bein alittle short-tempered with pple who tick me off (usually I'm not like tht. Ya know who ya are.) Lastly, abt 10 sec slow in reactin to stuff. Moral? Get sleep.

Not sure how I'm gonna work it out but I'll put all my faith in God to see me through this period of time. Trust in Him. Ok... went to chuch today hey as I'd choir presentatn. Right now, I'm pretty downcast for the above reasons and an additional one. Had a little tiff with Jaks, not tht I meant to have one with him. I really didn't want to tiff with him when I'm gonna leave and miss him. Guess it's pretty much me bein a small gas ghost because of my lack of sleep and him bein so ticked off.

Basically, he's pissed with his sis. So when I went lunch with him and Alan, he was in this tensed mood and drivin pretty recklessly, in additn to bein abrupt in his speech. Tht's not the way to go, Gerald will know tht. Gerald ignores me when I throw my temper arnd too. It tks alot of patience and self-awareness to withhold and control. So I got ticked off by his attitude. Ignored him quite a bit. Not sure if he's pissed with me. But I mged him to explain why I reacted the way I did. We all have to learn. I told him tht I care tht's why I showed him attitude back. And it's true, I really do care abt him. Maybe too much even. I'll miss him so much when I go back hey. Jaks, I really hope ya understand. Sometimes, it's just not the best thing to do when ya're pissed. I'd learnt mine the hard way. Ya don't know but they guys back home know, I've pretty bad-tempered but ya need to learn to tk things in ya stride ok? *hugs* *muacks*

I'm really stressed out abt my exams. (though I'm not doin anythin abt it, which sucks even more hey). Pray tht all goes well for me. Really. I just aim to pass my Law units and I'll be overjoyed. Don't wanna be kicked out of law sch. This sounds crass and pathetic, but oh well, wht to do? Perhaps I am.

Oh. Before I sign off, I just found out tht the only thing tht Jaks likes abt me is my ears hey. Man!

Hey Jaks [yes, this is addressed to ya],

Don't get mad with me for sendin out the mass email to our care grp abt our "re-match" hey?? Yapz. Ya sister RAWKS man! We just went through a load full of pictures and yes, ya face appeared everywhere. Do smile in photos, ya look so much cuter than when ya give a sour face. And, the hair... oh man! The hair. Ya're not Micah who looks suave in floppy hair (and even hotter in spike so I found out). Get a hair cut, top dude!

I really want to dedicate this post to ya because I want to announce to the world (not yet) how God has blessed with me 2 top dudes here, Terry and ya. And I really enjoy bein with ya guys and chattin abt a whole load of rubbish. No surprise there. My otherwise borin life has been spiced up with splashes of laughter and fun hey. It's just been an amazin journey knowin ya and tht I know we will definitely be friends forever yeap? Anythin else, let master-servant, I don't know. (Am I makin sense here? It's the lack of sleep) Currently, am in a concussed state after someone opened the toilet door and me bein slow to react got whack full on by it. Hardcore.

I'm gonna say it here.. tht when I return to Sgp for hols, I'm really really gonna miss Terry and ya HEAPS. Massively hey. Ok. Comatose now. Got to run. Call me when ya've read it and to discuss tmr's thingy. Cheers.

Some words to describe my current state of mind:
(1) Zonked
(2) Stoned
(3) Unstable
(4) Hypnotized
(5) Trance-like

Yes, I'm under the influence of drugs. Caffeine. I'm a stonin zombie right now. And still gonna stone more since tonight I'm not sleep again. Zzzzing out.

Just thought of makin a quick blog before I leave Murdoch Uni. (And pray tht I don't miss the LAST bus) Man, it's pourin like crazy with strong gusts of wind. A blizzard. Yapz. And I'm in a little skirt today because my Mum thought tht I wasn't goin out today and took ALL my long pants for a wash. Can ya imagine?? It's F-R-E-E-Z-I-N hey.

Anywho. Been with Terry and Rowena today. Got some work done. Yapz. But plannin not to sleep tonight and MUG. Seriously hey. I don't wanna muck up my exams. Plus, out of my 4 papers, the exam preparatns for 3 papers are practically non-existent. One word for me: SUICIDAL. Yes.

I ran into tht lady again as I left UWA last night. Her name is Dianne anyway. I gave her $10 and told her she was better off hangin arnd the City the whole night than arnd UWA as Mackers is open 24hrs. She was hell grateful to me. But I don't think of it as anythin. It's the very least I cld do for her. Like I said, it forced me to really count my own blessings and appreciate all the goodness arnd me. She rang me this morn to tell me she got back home safely. Thank God. She then rang me up to chat with me. Cld really sense her loneliness and isolatn. My heart went out to her. She really wants to meet up with me before I fly back home, but man, I really don't know if tht's possible. Jaks, can I brin ya along this time? Got to see how tht goes. My Mum wasn't too pleased with me when I told her abt it. In fact, I'd a tiff with her coz she told me I was just "stupid and naive". However, I genuinely feel tht Dianne really needs someone there for her and to be her friend.

Think I'm gonna miss my bus if I don't make a move soon hey. Pretty weary of the weather conditns outside. Not sure if I can make it. However, I don't wanna trouble anyone so yap. Not goin to church tmr coz I really need to pia for my Microecons paper on Sat morn. Good luck to me. And all those with exams too!

Cheers guys.

Simply can't concentrate now. Am at UWA, after hangin out with Micah at the Murdoch Vet Hosp. However, somethin really amazin happened tht I can't focus on my work.

At Murdoch Park'n'Ride, while waitin for the bus to tk me to the City, I ran into this lady. She was pretty lost so I struck up a conversation. She looks at least in the late twenties. She told me she was goin to TAFE (poly equivalent back in Sgp) to do IT next semester and aspires to go to UWA to do Computer Sci. In fact, she was at Murdoch Park'n'Ride as she was tryin to figure how to get to UWA. God works in amazin ways doesn't He? He brought me to Murdoch P'n'R to tk her to UWA.

As the conversation progress, I found out:
(1) She stays alone.
(2) She is very poor.
(3) She has big dreams.
(4) She's Catholic.
(5) She's not goin back home tonight but stay out arnd UWA.
(6) She has no money on her.

But, I did somethin I really regretted. After tkin her to the Reid Lib, I told her I needed to study and left. Guilt really haunted me. I'd orginially intended to pass her some money. But I'd 2 $50 notes and a twenty. I really cldn't afford to pass her $20. So I ran arnd lookin for pple with change and finally got my change. I've been searchin for her in vain arnd the Lib, hopin to pass her $10 so tht she can get somethin to eat or drink. She's nowhere to be found. It's really cold and wet tonight and she's stayin out. It's dangerous hey. She's pretty big (abt a size 30) but still, a lady out so late... It's not safe.

I'm seriously overwhelmed with guilt. I shld have stayed with her. But I'm really thankful to God. There's so much to be grateful. After meetin her, I realized how fortunate I am. It's a constant reminder to me. Since young, I wanted to go out to a 3rd world country to make a difference. My trip to Korat in 2001 reinforced my aspiratns. Today just serves as a reminder. When I'm done with studyin, hopefully, I've a partner who will be willin to go with me to serve God in these countries where pple die each second frm illnesses, diseases and starvatn.

Hope I can find her. Luckily, I've got her mobile number (I asked for it) and rendered assistance to her, shld she need anythin or any help. Meanwhile, all I can do is pray for her safety and protectn frm the cold (seriously, it's wet and cold.. and I'm in a pair of little shorts...Brr)I really want to pass her some money so tht she can buy some hot food frm the Caltex Statn or somethin.

Got to run. Cheers. Tk care guys. *hugs* *muacks*

Have made up my mind. I'm goin to let it go. My subj of interest. He's frm church hey, and I realized not only does Terry know him, so does Micah, Huimin, Trina, Jaks and all know him. Tht's prob why I'll never mouth a single word to anyone. It's too great a risk.

Why the sudden change of mind, ya must be thinkin. Look. No one likes to be hurt. Either how, in this circumstance, whtever the outcome may be, the person tht will be hurt is me. I can't allow myself to fall deeper into this ditch tht I'm in. Before it's too late to climb out or for anyone to pull me out of this whirpool of emotns tht are just ragin inside of me.

So I just have to let it go. Feel like I'm bein flayed in oil or scorched with fire, but tht's just the physical aspect of it. The one thing tht is really sufferin is the very same organ tht keeps me alive, beatin steadily on, for now anyway. All I know for now, is tht I can only cherish each and every single little time tht I have with him.

Here's a poem I've found.

Love is so very special
Yet can make you feel so lost
It can arrive just like the springtime
And melt away like morning frost

You must find ways to nurture
Always grow your love with care
Never ever take for granted
The love that you both share

Mistakes are bound to happen
You may hurt each other's heart
Yet don't give up to easily
It will tear your love apart

Love resembles a bright flame
That lights a dark starry night
Never ever let this flame burn down
Rekindle with all your might

Take a moment every day
Look deep into each other's eyes
Never hesitate to show affection
Small gestures will keep a love alive

Talk openly about your feelings
Take time to show that you care
Treasure each and every moment
Because to find true love is rare.

- Connie Thomas Lugo -

The only difference here is tht the feelins are not reciprocated. Cheers guys.

Just thought tht I'll show ya how cute my care grp pple are. Hope they don't mind me postin it here. After all, ya guys don't know them hey.

Barry Palm :

Hmm... I just realised that the other care group leaders are also on our caregroup's mailing list... hmm... I was gonna tell you all about my latest dream of going to Snoopy's birthday party, but now that I know there are people from outside our care group reading everything we write to each
other, I've changed my mind... sorry folks :P.

Reply:
Micah Chiang <29906921@student.murdoch.edu.au>:

Bazza,

I told you that the other leaders will be receiving our e-mails, just I recieve their caregroup e-mails aswell. (My inbox has 901 e-mails!!!)
I also think that everyone knows of your encounters with Snoopy, so please share or if you feel more comfortable you can tell us later tonight. If there are any new comers I will advise you to wait for anyother time. :)

Regards,
Micah

Cute hey? Another cute one.

David Law :
Jake [Tht's the same Jaks tht I have been talkin abt]- I'm glad I can be a doc cum entertainer.....that's how we earn our money. hehe - do u know what coryza is??? Its another big word for a little thing that u wont like to have during ur exams!!!!!

okies - gotta go....rest well everyone!!! and that's an ORDER!!!!

Tht's why I like my care grp so much.

Time can be our friend or enemy. It can work with us, or work against us. It's up to us to decide wht we want to make it to be. Mark shared tht he realised tht there were some things tht when left alone it will naturally be resolved on its own. I was apprehensive at first, but it made alot of sense later on. Why do we sometimes feel so burdened, like our heads wanna burst, but almost as suddenly as the problems came, they seem to disappear? Maybe no one had felt tht way before, but I have.


Some things need to left alone, so tht we can focus on more impt stuff, in this case, my exams. And when the impt stuff have been accomplished, we can then rivert our attention back to these things tht we once put aside on ths shelf. By this time, the problem might be seen in a different light, somethin tht is more manageable to us, or even tht it is not even there anymore. Lotsa things in life can't be rushed. By tryin to act smart and attempt to handle everythin all at one shot (like wht I tend to do sometimes), ya might just end up screwin up all. I need to zoom in on the more significant stuff, rather than set out to be Wondergirl.


When I was in the shower last night, I thought abt life. In tht spilt moment, I used the analogy of a bus to be life. The bus leaves the terminal, which is our Mum's womb. The driver seems to symbolise our parents, who decide which direction we head to and mould our character. The bus will need to stop at bustops, which are like impt events in our life, which passengers board and alight, just like the pple who enter our lives or just past us by. Some may stay, some may leave us with impressions and lessons learnt. No bus stop is exactly the same distance- they vary. So it's almost like for some stops in our life, it tks longer to reach then others, but as long as keep movin, we will get there. The bus can't stop halfway, it has to complete its route. Similarly, in life, we can't just pause and live in tht moment in time. We'll only be livin in the past. I will not even use the word "livin", rather the word "existin". And at the end, the bus reaches the terminal, our end of the life then tht is. The final passengers will be the friends and loved ones tht stay close to us in the end. The likelihood of those passengers tht took the bus at the beginnin of the journey bein those tht end the journey with ya is not very high. Maybe 1 or 2. Those are our lifelong friends.

I wrote this last yr. Enjoy.

Sane Insanity

Loss
nobody understands
you do.
Loneliness
nobody tastes it
you do.
Fear
nobody dares to face it
you do.

Thats what makes us similar
The connection
You feeling me
I feeling you.

Are you crazy?
No.
Am I crazy?
Yes.

Sadness within me
nobody hears me out
you do.
Nobody bothers
being alone scares me
you care.
I'm scared of people dying
people use it to mock me
you comfort.

Why am I crazy?
In reality
you don't feel me
Only in my head you do.

You're in me.
Huh?
Your spirit is in me.
What?

I'm miserable
I pretend you understand
listening to me
I'm lonely
I pretend you comforting
being there for me
I'm scared
I pretend you there
protecting me.

Insanity consuming me?
Yes, probably but I'm not sure.
But I'm sure that
this insanity keeps my sanity.

I need to correct somethin frm a previous entry tht I posted on the 10th of May "Somethin I've learnt in church is tht Jacob was madly in love with Rachel before marryin yr after 11yrs. I thought tht was awesome. He waited 11yrs!!! *gushes* Hell cool." This is really gonna sound dodgy but Jaks [Jacob] corrected me tht Jacob (in the Bible) waited for Rachel (also in the Bible) for 14yrs, not 11. Isn't it so amazin? I thought tht 11yrs was long enough, but 14?? It's almost my entire current lifetime. *swoon*

Hmmm... Gonna brin up my subj of interest now. I think tht he likes someone else, whom I know too. So as repeated again, it stings and cuts like a knife. I know I need to be strong, my heart has to harden in this aspect to protect my fragile heart frm smashin or bein crushed repeatedly. Or I will always end up hurt. Tht girl and him get along very well and I'm not tryin to be over-sensitive or dramatic but sometimes, my heart just stops beatin whenever he talks abt her and asks abt her. I know she's hell pretty. It doesn't tk a fool to know tht.

Need to just shut it out. Isolate it and throw it out of my cerebrum. I'll be ok. Eventually.

A brief subj tht I wld like to touch on tonight before I go home wld be friends, which has been subjected to my extreme scrutiny these few wks as I review my current positn here.

I think I've made pretty good friends at church already who have "all the goodness of life in them" (quoted frm my lovely godbro Eugene) and never fail to brin a smile to my face everytime I get their email or sms whenever I'd a troubled or problematic day. Sch pple are alright I suppose, but the true pple tht are always in my mind are Gerald and my "bro" Mark. Miss them heaps. Truely.

I know some of ya guys known who I've lost and the history of at all, which has led to an unhealthy paranoia abt losin my loved ones. Pretty much pedantic ya can say. But my thoughts are:

Love, treasure and cherish with all ya hearts ya friends.

It stings my memory each time I reflect on the past. All the burden, regrets I carried. My heart etched with guilt and pain. So for those of ya who know me, I really appreciate all the times ya guys have been so supportive, motivatin and accommodatin towards me. And, I saw this with utmost sincerity, tht I will sacrifice the most I can for ya to be content. This comes frm my heart to my godbros, Marcus and Eugene, closest buds, Gerald, Mark, pJ and even my new found friends who I think are rad. like Terry and Jaks.

I don't want to carry anymore regrets. Regrets will only hold ya back, slow down ya progess onwards the future. Wht I've learnt is tht no one can live in the past, but one can only learn frm previous mistks and embrace the future. Someone makin a mistk is no fool. Tht someone is human. But [s]he who repeats the same mistk is then a fool. Tht's my thought on mistks/regrets. Do tk time to reflect upon it. And do remember, God forgives ya for all ya mistks as long as ya make a conscious effort not to repeat it.

Email me ya thoughts hey. Got a new email addie. Primary one: paperbox08@yahoo.com.sg, new addie: rae_yshan@hotmail.com. Goin home now. Cheers.

Love ya all. *hugs* *muacks*

Right now am at Curtin Uni. Came over to meet Terry to study. He's got exams as well, only tht they start on the 17th of June. Lucky guy. Jaks is even more fortunate man, he doesn't have exams! TAFE... Maybe I shld enroll there man.

Guess I didn't get much work done, but it's definitely more than wht I've been doin the past wk, which I must add is pretty measly. Tht's why I still think I'm gonna muck things up hey. Things can't get anythin much worse than this. I need trust in Him right now. Tht He will uphold me in good health, strength and courage.

I'm actually usin Terry's account to log on to the comp right now actually. Haha. Rawks hey.

Got to run. Cheers guys.

It's all abt bein BURNT.

Usher's "Burn" is really burnin in my mind now. The grief, hurt and pain... Just let it burn. Numb to all ongoins arnd me. "I felt like this...I got to let it burn"... "It's comin frm my heart.... I think ya shld let it burn."

Exams're officially a wk away and I haven't started anythin yet. I know I;ve been rantin on and on abt "I'm gonna start muggin soon..." But when ever will soon come?

TMR is the answer. I'm in desperate need of beginnin my hardcore muggin, considerin my attendance percentage the past wk was a measly 30%. Will be goin to Curtin to meet couple pple to study. Good luck to me and ya guys whose gonna have those lousy semester exams tht just stresses pple out unnecessarily.

I will be: productive, self-motivated, study-saavy and constructive with the remainin time. Yes I will. (Just tryin to cite myself up here). However, God comes 1st. Time spent with God is time well-spent. I'll have to tackle my Bible Study for the wk NOW.

Really thank God for such lovin, understandin and carin friends. Yes, they are very different frm my closest dude back home, Gerald and Mark, but yet so similar in tkin on such a supportive role in my well-bein. It just touches me.

Cheers to them. Micah, Barry, Jaks and Terry. Can't wait to see all of ya guys soon. *hugs* *muacks*

In the end, I didn't go for my last class which I was runnin off to. As I was sittin in the lecture room msg-in Terry [Jaks' best friend], he rang and said tht he was comin to UWA. So off I went to meet him. He just RAWKS man.

As much as I wanted to tell him who was it tht I really liked, I simply cldn't. It isn't tht I don't trust him, I do. Seriously I do. I like him heaps. But simply because Terry knows him and no one who knows HIM knows abt my special affections towards him. Terry wldn't tell HIM tht I know, but it's too much of a risk to bear I suppose.

He'd just drop me off at sch where I'm gonna meet Lim Lee for dinner. Absolutely freezin now. Hopefully I can get some work done after dinner after havin a warm, comfortin hug frm Terry.

Do ya know wht the warm fuzzy feelin is? Food for thought. Cheers.

Was really touched yesterday. Had sent a mass email to my care grp abt feelin "very down and hurt" and it was utmost comfortin to have an almost instantaneous reply frm Barry who said he'll pray for me. I think he then went to Prayer Meetin and told the other guys abt it. Jacob rang me immediately after hearin it and questioned me why I didn't tell him abt it but I simply cldn't tell him why all the grieve. I was really surprised tht he actually rang me up.

Over the course of the night, Micah rang me up (which is awfully sweet of him coz he's always so busy), Vanessa msg-ed and Terry msged! Terry msg-in me just let loose the flood gates when I read his msg. It went "Aiyoyo little gal, wht's wrong? Need a korkor to help ya or not? Just tryin to say if there's anythin tht I can help just let me know ok?", then the next one "Tk care of yaself. Hug ya physically if I can but I guess this will have to do *hugs*" Just crumpled after readin it. Terry (he's Jak's best friend) [Jaks is Jacob] isn't fantastically close to me though we get along really well but yet he showered so much concern. Was just.... overwhelmed.

Love the pple in my church. And lastly, checked my email not long ago and Fred sent me an abstract pic of HOPE, in his bid to brin some assurance to me. Truely am honoured to meet such profoundly nice pple. Got to make a scram. Only attended 2hrs out of 5hrs of class today. All missed was LAW. Dead stuff. Cheers.

Thought tht this is pretty rad. Obviously someone as computer illiterate can't construct such a thing to save my life. It's off someone's blog.

____##########*________________________ __*##############______________________ __################_____________________ _##################_________**##*______ __##################_____*##########___ __##################___*#############__ ___#################*_###############*_ ____#################################*_ ______###############################__ _______#############################=__ ________=##########################____ __________########################_____ ___________*####################=______ ____________*##################________ _____________*###############__________ _______________#############___________ ________________##########_____________ ________________=#######*______________ _________________######________________ __________________####_________________ __________________###__________________ ___________________#_________________

Still feelin CRAP.

"Love like you've never been hurt."
Yes, this is wht I'm goin to cling on to.

I meant to type in everythin tht I'm feelin into this post as I approached the comp, but now as I'm sittin here typin, I can't. I'm just abt to burst into tears as great pain and hurt is etched on my heart. It's like bein repeatedly stabbed in the wound, only tht ya don't die.

Tears are wellin up but I just need to focus a sec to get my typin right. Had coffee with my care grp last night, which is really nice. Carine, Micah, Fred, Barry, Jacob and I went for it. Since it was impromptu, so not many cld make it. Anywho, it wasn't the bondin session tht shook me up. More like my subject of interest. I simply can't type it out or explain. As mentioned in my previous entries, I know I'm nowhere as pretty as most girls arnd, but to be sort of told tht indirectly into the face by ya subj of interest isn't the most wonderful thing in the world. Stings. Cuts like a knife.

Can't go on narratin. Some of ya guys might go.. "Yah wht... wht do ya expect?" Fact is, I don't expect anythin. I chose this path to tread, regardless how terrainous it is. My own freewill, choice, my heart. Buried amidst my heart, yes, I WANT the feelins to be reciprocated, to be returned, but I can't beg it can I? My friends, twins Daph and Di, once said when I was hurtin over my godbro, "In the end, the love ya tk is equal to the love ya make." When ya think abt it, technically, tht shld be the way, but almost never is how it is.

For now, I can only treasure the times he and I have spent together. Before I fly off, I'm gonna write it all in a letter and present it to him. To, for once, tell the truth abt how I feel. He already thinks I'm pretty dodgy after some things I did yesterday. However, I'm not gonna berate on tht anymore.

Missed 4 out of 5hrs of my classes today. Cheers guys.